TMI Thursday: It Was NOT Whisper Quiet

(I would first off just like to thank Deutlich for having a TMI post that made my jaw drop today and convinced me to get out of my blogger/winter funk and write a post.)


When I was twenty one I came to Kamloops to come to school for my second year college, a spritely young thing. No longer as innocent or as virginal as my first try at college, but certainly not a worldly sophisticated woman in any sense of the word. At that point I had seen peen, but the encounters were still minimal as I had only been with my first love.


Now that my appetite for peen had been discovered only to be crudely ripped away from me post break up, I was looking for something to sait without the chance of AIDS, PREGNANCY AND DEATH.

And so when during my first week of college, at my new school on my new campus I was invited by a very liberal feisty group of woman to go to a sex toys party, I jumped on it. While we licked edible body creams and sprinkled shimmer dust on ourselves while those with partners giggled about what they should buy for some bedroom sparks. As a single woman I didn't really care about the warming massage oils, I was there with for one thing and one thing only.

A vibrator, namely.


So the time came and they started twirling the room as battery fuelled batons of pleasure. Every light, shape, size and girth came my way to look at, turn on and estimate how much it would turn me on. They had fancy clitoral stimuli and were whisper quiet and had beads and bumps to hit the g-spot Just So. I still don't know the point of the ones that light up different colours as it's not like your cervix will know the difference.

The only problem is that most of them cost a lot of money, 110.00 and up! That was money to be spent on tuition. I mean beer. I mean cigarettes. So when one was held up and not turned on it but priced at only 40 buckaroos it made me think that it would be the best choice economically, so I shelled out my moolah and traipsed home with my anonmously suspicious blacked out bag.

The thing is at home it looked a lot bigger. And bigger is only better until your ovaries are getting punched in the face. At 5'2" and not even a buck, the sheer logic was that it almost reached belly button potential. Yikes. But with the right amount of bad lube and D volt batteries I was still going to go pioneer on this bad boy. Travis was his name.

Travis was one bad ass motherfucker alright with a bad ass engine to boot. From the moment I turned him on he had things to say in VERY LOUD VOICE. Travis sounded like a car backing up that happened to be powered with an old lawnmower engine. Travis was the reason that the first time I turned him on ALL THREE ROOMATES stepped away from whatever and whoever they were doing to see what the noise was in my bedroom that late in the pm.

Travis was never to go near my kitty again. But that is not to say that he didn't make a great margarita mixer and in tune a great conversation starter at parties.

The Anniversary Post

It's been 2 years and it just keeps getting better.

I love you, Miss Tinkerbell.

A Belated Love Letter

Dear Veggie Bacon,

When I locked eyes with you across the health food store yesterday I knew there was a spark. You look nothing like other veggie bacon, all false advertising of texture and greyish colour.

You are what has been missing from my life. Smoky, chewy, crisp veggie bacon. You are what shall tide me over during the carnivourous nights where I ponder chasing cows with a fork and knife and watch people grab real pig bacon from the store like a Factory Farm voyeur. I don't see you as plastic and fake or false advertising. It's all you baby, and I'm proud to show you off.

I see so many future plans for us. Bacon and eggs. Perogies with Bacon. BLT's. Bacon with a side of bacon. This is just the start of a very long term relationship. I shall treat you well, I miss you when you're gone and I think I just may be falling in love with you. I know we shouldn't rush this but why stop now when it feels so right.

Lets do dinner tonight. I'll cook.

Love,

Meghan

Shaggadelic, Baby!

As much stuff as the psycho ex left here for me to sell on Ebay, I hate to admit it but there's one thing he took and hasn't given back.

And I'm not talking bout the housekeys which took over a month to be returned after the threat of changed locks and bills.

No, I'm talking bout my mojo. He took it, and I want it back.

The zsa zsa zu, the purrrrrrr factor, the little something something that makes me want to wear heels a little higher and smack my glossed lips to match the batting eyelashes.

Nope, that sex kitten has packed her bags and left Meghanville, population .05. And it's embarrassing. I like flirting with guys. I'm good at it. Or at least I used to be. Same with sex. I'm sure it's like the riding the bike rules but fear by the time I get around to wanting some sexing I'll be back with tricycle wheels and a helmet.

I want to go out there and eyeball potential suitors for a date. I want to dress up and feel sexy and wear my feminism on my sleeve. I miss flirty witty banter and intellectual conversations with sexy nerdy men who flirt even if they don't realize it. I miss lusting after movie stars and fantasizing about the lead characters in the novels I read. I might as well trade in'Twilight' for an Oprah magazine. Yeah, it's that bad.

I live in yoga pants and makeup is an afterthought. Sexuality has all but been lost and forgotten from my daily thoughts and actions. There is no swagger in my step, no sway in my hips when I dance. Bedroom eyes are no more. Coquetteish momements have become clumsy and awkward. Innuendo has been replaced by irritated looks and even "self" love has lost its appeal. I use the batteries to go with the discman and the badass Spanish tapes.

I'm not going to go out there and have a one night stand or casual sex to prove I still got it. I know I still got it somewhere. Deep down in the cackles, or the subcackles. I just need to find something, or someone to help bring it back.

But what? Guess I'll have to work on that.

Who Likes Free Stuff?

Editors Note: Comment=Free Homemade Gifts from Moi! No Gimmacks.

I know I sure do. I'm one of those bastards that loiters around the Costco stands while they cut up the thin crust pizza as if I really am interested in the giant econo jar of Pesto sauce just to avoid feeling like a barn animal waiting for it's next feeding. If a drink is bought for me and it's gross, I'll drink it anyways and convince myself it tastes better because it's free and by default free stuff tastes better. I have a plethora of free samples of random things in my house; shampoo, conditioners, hotel lamps, all free!

But really this isn't about me liking free things. This is all about you!

The lovely Little Erin at There and Back Again has a shindig of a little contest called the Pay it Forward Contest going on and I'm going to play along. Direct from her site are the rules:

Remember, if you want to enter this contest, you are going to also have to comment, and for another chance to win post your own "pay it forward" contest and create something handmade for the three winners! I'm not good with using the random pick a winner things, so I shall go with the tried and true names in a hat method of finding three winners. I'm going to let this "pay it forward" contest last until This Next Friday, the 13th!

The Rules are quite simple:

1.Leave a comment on this post, where the first word in the comment is "Yes". By saying "Yes" as the first word, you signify you want to participate in this give away

2. Winners must post this challenge on their blog, meaning that they then must Pay It Forward, creating a handmade gift for the first three bloggers who say "Yes" in a comment on THEIR future post.

3. The gift that you send to your three friends can be from any price range and you have 365 days to make/ship your item. This means you should be willing to maintain your blog at least until you receive your gift and have shipped your gifts. And, remember: It’s the spirit and the thought that count!
4. When you receive your gift, please feel free to blog about it, and link back to the person you recieved your gift from!
don't forget to actually say YES!

Now here's the clincher, part of me being superblyawesomefantastic I'm going to make it even easier on you guys. And you thought that Christmas was in December. Anyone who comments is going to have a chance to win, but people who pay it forward as well get a second entry. And you best believe I'll be checking.

Now of course this is a gamble, just because as you see the name implies this is something homemade from me. I'm not known for my crafty skills so this could be a finger painting, a stick person Christmas card, half a knit scarf with a note spewing hatred of stitch, stitch, hook or a gift card to get Quizno's finest.But nmore than likely it'll be something that I spend my time making for your enjoyment. It's luck of the draw but I assure you an 89% guarantee, you will not be disappointed.

Good luck and happy commenting!

Editors Note: Comment=Free Homemade Gifts from Moi! No Gimmacks.

No Hablo Espanol

In part of my trip preparation ( tanning booth, Hep shots, conditioning my liver for all day alcohol consumption) I have been working very hard half assing it with trying to learn some common phrases in Spanish as I don't want to be the asshat that thinks everyone will speak English just cause I do. Outside of the resort a lot of the locals do not so I feel it's my duty to try to learn the language a tichy bit.

So far I have learned:

Hi. Hello. My name is Meghan. How are you today? I am (well/very well/so-so/bad). Thank you. Please. Water. Wine. Beer. Tourist. Shit. Goodbye.

I don't see it getting me very far. Hydrated and polite, but not very far.

So I picked up some cd's (to go with my super rocking discman I tote around like it's 1996) and have been listening to them a bit throughout the week. The cd's are meant to learn Spanish for your trip with useful phrases you would be expected to use while on your vacation.

They are not useful.

And they are not phrases I expect to use while on vacation. In fact, it's safe to say common phrases from the cd expected to be used are very different from the phrases I expect to use.

Example;


"This is my friend Juan. He studies philosophy."
"Hello Juan. Philosophy is a very interesting subject."

"I'm sorry kind sir, I seem to have lost my pants again. May you please help me find them?"

"Are you a doctor, or are you all doctors?"
"We are all doctors, here. Pleased to meet you."

"You're hot and I appreciate that. Might you have a face I can sit on?"

"Is that water, or is it wine? I do not know whether or not it is water or wine."

"May I please have a drink or seven for my friend and myself? With a lime?"

"The lake goes into the ocean. The ocean and the lake are different. The river and the lake are different."

"I like rum. Rummy rummy rum. Yum yum yum. In my belly. Down the hatch it goes."

And so forth. So if anyone knows of a cd/ tape/ translator who can help me with the things I will need to know rather that discussing lakes and philosophy it would be greatly appreciated. Otherwise I'm going to be the douchenozzle who just randomly shouts out spanish words when drunk like a tourettes patient in a bikini.

Sigh.

I'm so getting punched in the face in Cuba.

So This Weekend

I finally learned how to use the camera I got for Christmas so am finally going to start posting more relevant pictures rather than just stealing graphics off of google image (okay, I won't stop but slow down). And by relevant pictures I mean...

Pictures of Tinkerbell and me practising Blue Steel in front of the camera. It's still a work in progress. But even better, was receiving my passport in the mail! And was super excited until I saw I look like a criminal in the picture...

And it made me want to flee the country greatly, but I am holding back as I am going to be taking off in 5 weeks and it will take less explaining to my work this way.

I ventured into baking land once again after the last spoiled attempt ended in burnt cookies that even my baked friends wouldn't eat. And a cake that was heavier than a hockey puck. But this time I went for something a little easier (baby steps) with apple crisp...and it turned out!

I'd offer to share some, but then I'd be lying. Suffice to say it's good.

I also added twitter to my blog this weekend. Now I'm not quite certain what it entails but get that it is like text msg/facebook status for blogs so feel free to add me and then you can get updates such as..

Meghan is contemplating torching her office work, if the office goes up with it, so be it.

Meghan is Glen Coco

Meghan didn't watch the Superbowl but used it as an excuse to eat natcho cheese

Meghan did 25 sits ups today as a part of her pact of doing sit ups every day for a month and almost vomited.

Okay, so I may not really be selling myself here, but you should add me anyways cause it's fun and I want to be in on it. I hope everyone else had a fab weekend as well.

Wanna Know What Really Grinds My Gears?

I work in an office where I am required to live here from Monday to Friday. And although I won't talk (much) about my job on blog I can say that a lot of my day is spent staring at a computer, working with computers, numbers, events, people, places and things.

All in all, my job title is glamourous but the job itself can be far from it. In fact on days where I am running errands, climbing under dusty desks to rewire cord and trying to manage (not burn) paperwork it's all I can do to not jab a pen in my eye, claim it somehow as workers comp and frolick my one eyes, parrot on the shoulder wielding self home.

But there's one thing that can make the day go inherently better or worse. The dealbreaker, one may say.

Lunchtime.

A good lunch will get me excited like a six year old bringing the kids size kitkat to school to go with the Lunchables. A Subway day makes any stat report worth it as I know that for 30 minutes I'm going to be mowing on a delicious combination of veggies layered with processed Monteray Jack cheese and Chipotle sauce. I would eat my cat if she was covered in that Chipotle sauce. Don't think I'm kidding.

Unfortunately for me my lunch yesterday. Was. A Bust. A Lean Cuisine meal that was four whole dollars. That's a lot of dollars for a meal encased in a plastic shell to be pierced and radiated to goodness. At 6:45 am when I was getting ready to make my trip via the bus (which reminds me that I'm getting my hep shot today) I was stoked as I knew that a meal that cost four dollars and included both shrimp AND pasta and a creamy sauce was going to be delicious.

It wasn't good. Not at all. And this is the second meal I've had in the last week that has been a false advertisement of good taste. The padded bra of the lunch world , if you will. Don't these people that manufacture meals know that the time I spend eating lunch during the day is my escape from office suck? Do they not realize that if they feed me ass food the rest of the day is shot? That I depend on them to push me through the rest of the afternoon fueled by a moderate amount of carbohydrates, sodium and slight requirements from the Canadian food guide?

Apparently not. And so today I have brought not one, not two, but three slices of veggie pizza with me. And a kitkat. And a apple-pear. And a banana. To ensure that today is not going to be a day where I let a bad lunch ruin my day. Today I will have the best lunch in the staffroom where all the others are going to stare at me and wonder how awkward it will be to offer to trade me their leftover casserole for my pizza (and I'll refuse of course). Because no office work is bad after pizza. That's just a statistical fact.

( Yes. It's a slow week in my world when I'm posting about lunch. But in other news I finally found out what I Love Lamp means!)

Dirty Little Secret

I have a secret. Actually I have tons of secrets and they'll be revealed in time, but for today it's time to come clean with one I've been embarrassed about for a long time.

I can't swallow pills. Actually I have troubles with my gag reflex period (if anyone makes a sex joke now I'll cut you). I can't do shooters, and have to sip them like tea at the bar. Ask me how sexy that skill is to show off to bachelors. I can't get normal sized xrays at the dentist they have to do the child sized ones otherwize I end up gagging and puking on whatever hygenist or object is near. I can't even take the birth control pill and that's why I have a bandaid style birth control patch attached to my hip which is changed weekly.

It's not that I don't want to. I stare at the pill. I size it up. I convince myself that it's not so scary and throw it in my mouth....and nothing. The pill just gets soggy if it's in a capsule and opens up expelling whatever taste of death is inside. If it's a solid pill the gel coat comes off in my mouth and reveals the chalky underbelly of whatever nasty pill it is. I've tried pinching my nose. I've tried emptying the contents of the pill on a spoon with honey or chocolate.

And as it turns out chocolate goes with everything EXCEPT yucky pill taste. And I cannot force myself to take the spoonful of chocolate hate. It's like trying to wax your own legs. It's not putting the wax on, it's taking it off. I'd rather pay someone else for the torture any day. Unfortunately there's no job description for this which doesn't sound insane,
" I will pay someone to hold me down, shove a spoonful of chocolate/powder junk in my mouth and as much as I squirm and thrash about like a fish out of water, keep pinching my nose until I swallow!"

As you can tell, I currently have a prescription of pills to take. 4 a day. For seven days. And the bottle is taunting me, but this time is different. I am mature. It's a New Year. I'm braver and stronger and smarter than the pills. I am going to another country for crying out loud. I've attempted to take one pill so far. It ended up half melted in the kitchen sink. So I figured eating a cookie will help me to get braver. Or seven cookies. Or eight.

Alright, little purple pill. Game on. You're my bitch.

Sunshine and Lollipops!

I'm not going to post about how I got a computer virus exactly 14 days after my three year warranty expired. And how the soul sucking company known as Future Shop told me that I'd get it back for roughly 50 dollars in three days. And how that actually meant 8 days at the rate of 200 dollars.

Nope not gonna post about that.

I'm also not going to post about how I've finally gotten my credit card down to a payable amount only to have to get an emergency root canal which will probably need a crown. Even with dental coverage, that's another 400 + down the drain. Ouch. And after paying for the trip and my computer repair bill I have no choice but to put it on my credit card.

Not gonna post about that either.

I'm also not going to post about how my landlord is away on vacation to Hawaii for a month which is also around the time I suspect the hot water tank to be on the spitz. One minute warm water followed by frigid ice water rain does not a good morning make. Or the fact that my neighbours have really, really loud sex (sometimes with a third) and the thin walls does little to provide a barrier for the noise or the vibrations. Yick.

Not even gonna mention that. Cause like the other stuff it's all very depressing and negative and January is depressing and negative as is.

So instead I'm going to discuss things I like:

Patrick Swayze in Hot Pants, Foods that are Microwaveable and Preferably Cheesy,

Toy Story, Are You Being Served, Hot Chocolate with Mini Marshmallows,

Puppies, Space Monkies, Vulgar T-shirts, All Wine that Comes in a Bottle, Kitties,

Big ol Bear Hugs Like You Mean It, Warm Socks, Good Books, 10% Teacher's Discount,

The Weather Network's-Varedero Link, Tanning Beds, The Veronica's, Obamarama,

Body Butter, Any Food on a Stick, Yoga Pants Worn All Day Long, Foodtv.ca,

Canadian Tire Money, Turtles, Dolphins, Dilbert, The Real World: Brooklyn,

Set for Life Scratch Tickets, Under Eye Creams, Lava Lamps, Earls Food,

Poutine at any time of the Day-with Double Cheese,

Not Work Related Emails on the Email Work Server,

Learning Spanish Through CD-The Lazy Way, Dollar Store Treasures, Bunnies,

Robert Pattison, Discovering Blogs, Blog Comments, Happy Nappy Time,

Old Married with Children Re-runs

Much better