Time Heals all Wounds

So, I ran into the one ex a few weeks back. Like, literally almost ran into him. And his reaction was to jump, and give a haphazard smile before turning and running in the other direction.

I love when I have that reaction with men.

And the sad thing is, I was the one to say hello despite the fact that almost six months later (not to mention the fact that I am somewhat involved with someone now) seeing him still makes me feel like throwing up. It literally knocks the wind out of me and my stomach does a fair ride flip.

Not fun.

But then last night, I was driving throughout town when at a stoplight, I saw a familiar face pulled up next to mine. The ex that three years ago ripped out my heart and threw it in a blender. The one that left me for a friend/coworker and was (part of) the reason I ended up on strong antidepressants. The one that made it feel physically ill to go to work every day and see them together and prompted me to leave that job to get the one I have now. The one that lied and manipulated and took advantage of my anxiety to paint a picture of paranoia rather that confess his wandering. The one I hated for embarrassing me publicly and couldn't be in the same room with.

And the thing is when I saw him, he smiled and waved. And I smiled and waved back. No anger. No tears. No nothing. Just a nod of recognition before heading on my way.

One day, down the road I'll get there with G. Not any time soon, but one day.

I'm Not Dead Yet (At Least So Far Today)

Yikes, holy unplanned for hiatus, batman! It's not for a lack of wanting to, but just a lack of having the time to. That and a tich of writers block has set in.

Observe....

I can't really review the new Star Trek movie other than saying,

Yummmmmmmmm. Same goes for Gambit in X-Men Origins. Yes, I'm apparently twelve. But these men can turn anyone into a bit of a sci fi nerd. Meowch, Spock!

Oh, and speaking of yummy what's summer without downloading some great tunage. Although I'm sure most of my musical tastes are outdated (you know you're old when you don't care about being musically relevent and don't have a time to search out indie bands to sneer at top 40 music). But right now I'm loving....

Lenka- Trouble is a Friend *

Great singalong for in the car. Which brings me to the next bit of summer news, for the first time since I took my car for a steamroll on the highway I drove to and fro at a distance of over ten minutes. I drove out to the lake to spend time at the bestie's cabin. It's only about 70min away but it still means driving on the highway and considering I'm here to write this post its a successful mission. Lame or not its still a feat that took a lot of self pep talks to conquer. But the risk of imminent death is always worth it when you see that her family just got ....

Puppays!** Two of the cutest puppays in the whole world. There is nothing these two little rascals can do that isn't cute. Trust me. They were even cute when waking me up at 6am to chew on my nose. Annoying, yes. Cute, yes.

And this is their very jealous housemate wearing a cowboy hat to try to pull of being cute too. Nice try, but the puppies got the attention right now by default of newness. But I still love Flint too.

Also speaking of pets, you know it's not just my blog I'm currently neglecting to work on my golf game and tan when I was about to go out yesterday and notices SomeOne *hmmm, tinkerbell*had hopped in my purse along for the ride. It's only subtle when you're not the same size as the purse, however.

Other than that, it's been sunshine and roses in Meghanville. Summer is finally hee and even though the skies are still a bit grey for my liking it's the time to work on the tan, ogle people showing more skin (sunglasses are made for creeping) and get the road trips a going. This is what I've been upto so far on this May long weekend, what have you been doing with yours?

*I don't know how to post actual Youtube videos on my blog. If anyone can tell me how (cause I really am that dumb) feel free to comment or email.

**Even though I look ridiculous in this photo it's the best one of the pups so it's the one you guys get. Who says I'm not nice.

The Best Things in Life Aren't Free

I want it, and I want it all right now.

Stuff.

Fashion stuff, household stuff, stuff I don't even need or would know what to do with. Bring it on. My 101 list said I had to be debt free within 3 years and I have over 29 months left. Laughable. Bring. It. On.*

The thing is, normally I am quite the thrifter. Not by choice, but by survival. Even at twenty eight I am not beyond living paycheque to paycheque. It's become more of a lifestyle than anything. Living by myself equals rent, utilities, student loan payments, car insurance, food, credit and survivalist bills. This leave me with very very little bling to fiddle with, and the day to day necessities like coffee, and the occasional cheesecake or sushi date (any financial advisor that tells me these are not necessities can cram it) tend to eat it up.

I'm usually the one that can't afford stuff. Wait, let me correct that, I'm still the one that can't afford that stuff. Redheads tend to look good in green, and the green I usually wear is envy of friends who can afford frivolous and fancy things.Tech things. Shoes things. Purse things. Concert things. All a sounding board for me to be jealous of you. But suddenly with age, it's like a certain amount of vanity and entitlement has kicked in.

I feel like a failure when at twenty eight there are people my age that own nice cars, houses, have travelled extensively, and can buy nice clothes knowing that they don't need to stress about it. It's not fair to pin your life against anyone else's as we all have different paths, but at a certain point it's hard not to take a look around and see that I don't measure up. I don't regret the choices I have made as going to school in a different town and paying for it with student loans/waitressing jobs made me a stronger person, I just wish it wasn't still biting me in the ass with diamond encrusted teeth.

I don't wanna live in a student's apartment anymore, filled with makeshift tupperware end tables. I want a big bed with 300 thread count sheets and jewellery to go with outfits that match. I want to shop at a thrift store cause I want to not because I have to. I want to be able to get my eyebrows waxed without the consumer guilt kicking in (although really it's not laziness, it's essential. I can't draw a straight line much less pluck hair in a shaping motion). I want a gorgeous balcony with a quaint bistro and BBQ, not winter tires and a hand me down plastic chair set. Right now I could easily name twenty things I WANT off the tops of my head and could realistically justify them all to myself.

Of course as much as I have a hard on for all things material right now and could easily be portrayed as a slightly less popular Sophie Kinsella novel character, I don't want to slide down the slippery slope of debt. I watch shows like 'Til Debt Do Us Part' and want to shake the people in it as it's petty, immature and reckless behavior that has gotten them into those messes in the first place. It doesn't take a psychologist to realize that I am trying to validate worth through "things" to make up for certain life expectations not met at this age. And validation through finance is a dangerous game to play. Spending outside your means is a deliberate choice, plain and simple.

This isn't just a post to bitch and kvetch, even though I'm good at it, and could probably make a whole blog of whining, but to see if anyone else is in the same place. Do your wants sometimes out weight the logic of savings? How do you curb the cravings for Stuff? How does one start to become financially secure while trying to gain as they move into a more adult lifestyle? Any tips on how to come into my own economically without fisting my credit card? Some insight, tips, or just people relating so I know this is Normal would be muchly appreciated.

Same with a million dollars.

*By debt I don't mean student loans. Student loans are like the herpes of debt and shall stay with me for life with occasional flare ups of interest.

Ask Me No Questions and I'll Tell You No Lies

Alright, I have to say those were some interesting, creative and insightful questions so thanks to everyone who threw one my way. I hope I did my best to answer them!

Ben asked, "Your worst personal moment of 'the crazy'? i.e. a time that you look back and go: WTF?!"

Hmmm, it's hard to narrow down just one but I have to say 2 nights that were documented through blog posts represent the reason I don't drink so heavily anymore.

One involved waking up in a bed with my arch nemesis while I was missing clothes/my panties/my cell phone/ my house keys/my money/ my jacket (all lost at various random points throughout town) and of course my dignity.

The second involved accidentally taking home my 22 year old boss from a company I no longer work at.

Oh and when I was twenty I got banned for life from a Denny's after going there mid afternoon to have 'pleasant chat' with what was a very recent ex turned into a screaming match involving throwing things. Yep. I'd say I displayed "The Crazy" very well in that encounter. And yes, I've never gone back to that Dennys since just in case eight years later someone remembers me.

Joyless Prole asked, "Have you ever cheated? "

Plain and simple, yes. I have once in a relationship about six years ago. I do regret it but adamently do not believe "once a cheater always a cheater" as I think there are the people who cheat just to do it or cause they can and the people who find themselves seeking elsewhere cause they aren't getting what they need out of the relationship.

In this instance it was an emotionally abusive relationship where I was made to feel dirty and tarnished and was accused of cheating throughout the duration of the relationship. After months of being degraded as a slut and a cheater I finally caved in a "if he thinks I'm going to do it anyways, why not do it anyways that way he can actually have something to call me a slut about" way. There were also thinly veiled threats about if I ever left him....so if anything I thought that by cheating he would dump me and I wouldn't have to worry about him ever following through on any threats. Cheating to me=dumped=freedom. Instead he just set down more ground rules for me, but by that time the damage was done and it ended. It doesn't make sense and it certainly doesn't make it right but I did it. Now I know the lesson first off not to be in a relationship like that ever again (duh) but also just the basic rule that if you've checked out the relationship before the other person, have the decency to end it. I have not cheated since, nor do I ever intend to.

Maxie asked "Tell a TMI! It doesn't have to be your "big" one that you don't want to tell. Just something hilarious :-)"

I've said someone else's name in bed. I've slept with a guy who's name I didn't know. And I will only take it in the pooper once I'm married and it'll be saved for birthdays and anniversaries.


Angela asked "Have you ever been arrested?

Not officially, but I was slapped on the wrist by police when I was twenty relating to a certain herbal supplement B.C. is known for. Oh to be young and foolish again. Oh and I was charged during my car accident last year for excessive speeding and I certainly deserved that.

What's something you've learned about yourself from blogging?
Through blogging I have realized I'm more hopeful than I let on. During my day to day life I can be quite high strung and a bit of a realist to the point of being cynical. It's nice to see I still have a hopeful side to me when it comes to love, ambition and goals.

What's a career you'd love to do, but it's just not realistic?"
Anything to do with healthcare. Everyone in my family is in the medical field but me and even I have my level 2 first aid (which yes, I have used in emergency situations). Academically I am fascinated by health care and biology, but have a very very weak stomach that would prevent any career in it.

Nivelo asked "What was your proudest moment? Something that you achieved and do you feel you could of done more or less to get there."

Honestly, I have to say getting my degree. It's not that it's particularly hard to get a degree and a lot of people have them, it's just that the road was bumpy through college and I almost gave up many a times. Depression, anxiety,bad relationships, finances and self sabotage all provided large road blocks along the way so when I finally got my degree at 24 it was a very proud moment to be the first person in my family to have a college education. As far as something more I could have done; yeah, not drank away the first two years college/student loan money and gotten a C average. Not the smartest move, but it's all a learning experience.

Random Musings of My Life asked, "One of your biggest regrets from high school?First boy you kissed?First girl you kissed?Most embarrassing moment while drinking too much!"

Biggest regret in highschool- coloured jeans. Otherwise I have no regrets.

First boy I kissed- his name was Kevin and we were in grade two and we kissed during story time and I was the first girl in my class to kiss a boy. It ended with a meeting with both our parents and the teacher and assigned and different seating. Then over the summer Kevin started dating one of my classmates.

First girl kissed- Her name was Jamie, we were eighteen in an overcrowded hottub and we had some tequila which helped with the decision. It was way before kissing girls ever became cool.

Most embarrassing moment is still the story I have is about

"Loving Sodomy"

which is linked and I insist you go to and read (and yes I just linked it in the last post too). Go on and read it, I'll wait....................done yet? Yeah you can see why it's one of my finer moments.

Lad Litter asked, "Hi Meghan! Have you ever let a friend down really badly."

Yes, yes I have. It's a personal matter but I will say I have hurt a friend badly enough for them to end the friendship with me, and rightfully so. I miss them and always will but respect that they moved on with their life. I can say I have changed a lot since then, but sometimes the hardest lessons have the strongest consequences.

Foggy Dew asked, "Aside from the fact we live in different countries, what is it that makes Canadians and Americans different? Seriously, a friend from Toronto gave me her thoughts and I'm curious what other people think. What Canadian attributes would make Americans better? What American attributes would make Canadians better?"

Well I think fundamentally we're all the same and having travelled through the States I can say I've honestly met some of the nicest people there. I'd say the biggest differences I've noticed are that the media in the States tends to report in a way that creates fear through society rather than information (and that's not to say any media is objective). And with fear comes irrational judgement calls as I have seen with American war policies, health issues and global relations. That's a Canadian attribute I'd say could be passed along to the media, is to find the information, question the resource and then present it in a manner that promotes logic, rather than reaction.

Oh,you don't have Ketchup/ Dill Pickle chips in the States and we do.

As far as American attributes we could use, I find Americans tend to be more appreciative of health care and higher education as both are more expensive in the states which we tend to take for granted here. Also whereas I find Canadians tend to be more well travelled internationally, many (myself included) have not travelled our own country extensively whereas Americans are more travelled throughout their own country and appreciate the tourism more which we could use. Also Americans can be incredibly hospitable to tourists whereas we can be snobbish to American tourists ( I say that as someone who worked in a tourism field for years). Of course this is just my opinion and I'm just one person and I'm not speaking on behalf of Canadians or Canadian society.

But at the end of the day we're all just people doing our people thang.

Slyde asked, "How exactly do you manage to keep your hands off of me? We both know you want me.... why do you fight it so hard?"

It is hard and something I struggle with every single day. Constant masturbation and the good ol' right click/save button have made it easier but distance is only so far away.

Jamie asked, Will you marry me?Also, why aren't you going to Vegas when everyone else in blog world is?"

Ummm, yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But note I am facebook married but am alright with the bigamy of being blogaged too if you're okay with the logistics. And can we get married in Vegas? Who is going to Vegas? I'm so out of the loop :( I wanna come!

Paula asked, "Where is the weirdest place you ever had sex?Plus i think you need to tell the sodomy story again - or at least link to it for those who missed it . . . ;)"

Weirded place- on the presidents desk at my old university.

And that's hilarious that you mentioned that because this is the second post in a row I linked the story :)

Mike asked, "If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?"

Physically I'd have a cuter nose. Baseball has not been kind to me. And butt. I have no badunkadunk in my trunk. Emotionally I wouldn't take things so personally. Mentally I'd less high strung and not sweat the small stuff, as well as be less judgemental and critical of people. For someone's who has admittedly learned a lot of lessons through making mistakes I sometimes get frustrated with people who maybe have to experience something themselves in order to see the big picture and am in no place to.

Racquel asked, "Spits or swallows?"

Despite my almost vegetarian diet lacking protein I don't get it from the money shot. I tend to spit. But do find that if you use an altoid in your mouth (it creates a nice tingle for the guy) and you deepthroat right when they're about to finish swallowing's not so bad.

Truth or Truth

I'm going to steal this one from Angela over at My Quiet Testimony (just call me Miss Musings) and am going to use this post to open the platform to you guys to ask any questions at all; none too private, embarrassing or silly and I'll open up wide and spill the beans. You have til Sunday and they'll all be answered. Go ahead.

I dare you.

My Mouth is My Weapon and I'm All Outta Ammo.

So, as noticed by the highly astute Lanette I am infact a dirty liar with pants set ablaze on fire as I failed to meet my self imposed deadline. But that's not to say I am not chock full of good excuses for my lack of fun-ness and overall shenanigans.

1.) The TMI Story; yeah I just chickened out. Plain and simple. I'll talk about my encounters with vibrators on here, bad dates, grilled cheese sex and my love for sodomy but there are some stories that even I can't bring myself to share here. The boundaries I have may stretch as far as the naked eye can see but they are out there somewhere just like the force. And when I cannot be certain of family friends/coworkers and others possibly reading my blog I just can't open up the deepest darkest corners into my hall of shame. At least not this week.

2.) Health hell. Plain and simple. Remember how in the last post I explained that this is the busiest time of year for work up until later next week? Well, I thought it would be a little better if I could pull off event coordinator hell with a few challenges thrown in. So I promptly lost my voice for three days. Now although it doesn't excuse the lack of blog postage as blogs involve writing not speaking, it is tiring to want to blog after you have been typing your message to your coworkers all day (CAP LOCKS MEANS I'M YELLING AT YOU! ALTHOUGH LESS SCARY, IT STILL MEANS SOMTHING!) and conversing through lewd body language. It's surprising I don't have more sexual harrassment suits against me. I'll have to start trying harder.


But that's not the icing to the sweet week of hell cupcake, the sugary buttercream frosting involved massive dental surgery yesterday.


Wheeeeeeee!

See, once upon a time I got my wisdoms/2nd molars out ( I hve a very tiny mouth and they don't fit. That's what she said.) Turns out the nice dentist lady didn't take it all out (that's not what she said). Namely chunks o' leftover teeth (feel free to cringe and vomit now). After meeting with my current very nice dentist who is as generous with drugs as she is with compliments it was decided they were coming out once and for all as well as one tooth that was damaged in my massive car wreck last year that involved a mouth full of glass. It's a shoddy deal to realize via x-ray that you have to get stuff taken out of your face, but it could be worse. I could be this gal.

Talk about paying out the ass for your cell phone bill.

Anyhoozle, back to the story. So after getting proked, prodded and pulled yesterday it was upto my bestie Leanne to take care of the drugged out mess that was me. Being that I was on Ativan. novocaine, T3's, ibuprophen, antibiotics and more; I am currently a walking pharmacy plug that would make Lindsay Lohan cream her panties. Needless to say yesterday was a complete blur and I don't even remember being in the Superstore to pick up my prescriptions. And it doesn't explain why my ass is sore today. Leanne? I'm looking at you.

So today I am puffy, can't talk, drugged out and drooling. I think it's safe to say I'm finally getting closer to being "the marrying kind". At least right now I can constitute puddings and T3 as breakkie with any feelings ouf guilt. That guilt shit just ruins everything. So if you don't see me for a few more days that's the reason why; I'm going to be running around and coordinating events as all good event coordinators do, but this time with the added bonus of chipmunk face and a menagerie of antibiotic good times.

This is Meghan, With Your News Update

In the news this week...

• I'm way too busy with work right now. Like waaaay too busy. In my job there are roughly 2 periods (spring and fall) where for 3 weeks I am running off my feet. I'm halfway through the stretch and burning out fast. Yes, the last two weekends I have brought work home. Add the fact that anything that can go wrong has gone wrong, a cold, and a cranky staff and you have one stressed out Meghan.
• Susan Boyle is great and all, but she's no Paul Potts. Even so, I do love a good underdog story.
• I am about to have my third date with the Vancouver Canucks this week and let me tell you it's getting serious. I suspect matching outfits by next week. I've never known anyone to make me scream louder. And they go hand in hand with beer and pizza. Luongo, you make a mouthguard sexy. Cheering for the Canucks during playoffs (because Canuck fans are some of the most loyal in the world. Disagree and I'll shank you). Playoffs always make me think of a bittersweet story I have to share;

When I was sixteen my Scottish grandpa was in the hospital dying of lung cancer and it was at the end stage. We had his hospital room filled with pictures of family and friends, Scottish candies and a Canucks magazine. When my family immigrated in the late 60's and early 70's from Scotland one thing they embraced of Canadiana is hockey. We were Canucks fans all the way. Ever since it's been in my bloodstream. There was a moment of silence in the hospital room where tears had dried and words had been spoken and an emotional exhaustion left us all waiting for the next step. It's then when my uncle turned to my Grandpa and with tears in his eyes, said,

"Dad, I just wish that you could have lived to see the Canucks win the Cup."

He was silent and with tears in his eyes struggled to get his breath and his speech. And said slowly and audibly for all of us,

"Son, with their track record, I don't know if You'll be alive to see the Canucks win the Cup."

It was the perfect moment, as any good Canuck fan can tell you although we've been close to winning the Cup (1994 anyone?) we can admit that we have not always been the strongest team in the series, but we are loyal and determined. Every year I pray that this is the year we prove Grandpa wrong.

• I updated the good ol' blergroll to the right, so if I haven't added you yet or you want an add just let me know in the comments. I did it while before my first cup of coffee so it's no wonder I know how to sign into blogger, muchless add to the roll.
• Oh and my bff and facebook wife Leannimal has started her own little spot on the interwebs so lets give her a nice warm welcome.

Alright, I'm out but expect a post later this week having to do with my bad gag reflex and a walk home without shoes. Stay Classy World

To the Batcave, Robin!

So, I had sex this weekend in a Robin costume, while making a grilled cheese by a man wearing a Robin cape.

And I didn't even burn the grilled cheese.

But lets back up a minute.....

It was with a man I have been crushing on for 3 years. Three motherfucking years of sexual tension built up. All because I was having a dance off with a guy at the bar (I lost purely on a technicality) at the bar when blindly drunk and this disgustingly hot stranger offered to judge. However since I saw his talking to the acquaintance earlier I figured him to be an impartial judge so decided to tell him his judging would be unnecessary.

By telling him to go fuck himself and go away. And that just cause he was hot doesn't mean I give a shit.

We ran into each other one week later at the same bar. I laughed, he pursued even harder. He's bad news; too witty and he knows it. Good looking and he knows that too. Charisma and charm in one package. Within four minutes of conversation I knew I'd sleep with him. Within five minutes, I knew his name. One problem though, he had a girlfriend. Almost three years later, problem solved. They broke up. Slight problem, I had a boyfriend. Problem solved, break up via text. A good friendship developed along the way over the years, with no apologies for a flirtation underneath.

He's a man I don't know whether to kiss or punch half the time, and I don't apologize for that either. We don't talk often but when we do, it's for hours on end. We both dressed up as Robin for Halloween. My costume was superior. He disagreed.

And then it lead to Friday....

Where does it go from here? I don't know, and I don't really care. But I do know that I'm never going to look at grilled cheeses in the same way again.

Baby Got Back

So it's back.


My mojo.


Or if not back, its peeking at me tepidly from around a corner.


Except by mojo I don't mean the lusty Meghan who trots around hornier than a nun at a dildo factory. Or even the Meghan that eyeballs public places as potential mating sites, but just a general zsa zsa zu is back. My joy de vie, the swagger in my step, the sideways smile that says more than words, its all starting to come back to me.


And the funny thing, nothing I thought would bring it back, brought it back.


Not the trip to Cuba even though the white washed beaches and heavy handed mojitos made it the perfect scenery to find one's mojo. And not my spiffy new haircut complete with bangs for the first time since 1992. It wasn't my newfound love for red lipstick and the fact that I suddenly seem to not only LIKE the colour yellow, I can't get enough of it. It hasn't been any clothes purchased or shoe stepped in, and although my new twice weekly meeting with the tanning booths are making my skin a lesser shade of pale, it's not really that either. The yoga classes and daily sit ups have meet slowly shaping my physique to that of a less skinny, more toned woman and I do have to say I like it, but that's not quite it either. A progressive date this week with undertones of flirting was lovely, but did not make or break my new found mojo.


The truth of the matter is that none of these things and all of these things have done it all at the same time. It's just finding that general sense of comfort with who I am that had been lost ever since the break up, as well as really *gasp* opening my eyes up to things around me.


It sounds so simple, but in the day to day life I get very trapped in the comforts provided by routine. And slowly that starts to spread into routine of diet, clothes, physique and life choices. It's as simple as questioning the fact of how redheads are not supposed to wear yellow or red and deciding for myself to do both, at the same time. It's not talking about how I'd like to exercise but making the choice to do so. It's deciding that whether or not my date progresses into a second or third, I'm alright with the outcome either way.


It's realizing how little I really know and how much is based on the hole I have boxed perception in. I'm finding in my later twenties that my preconceived notions can often be the reason I feel stagnant in the first place. I have experienced a lot of life for my age, but that is not to say I can't go forward and learn and experience a million more. Something as simple as my new years challenge has opened the door for this new experience, and with it is suddenly a rush of excitement that makes my senses feel alive again.


That, in essense, is my mojo.


Feeling comfortable with who I am all the while feeling open and excited for what I am learning, and what I can do. It's about looking at dating as a fun adventure, not a chore and that mojo is not about sex it's about feeling comfortable in your own skin which then equates to sexiness. It's not glossed lips and painted fingernails, designer labels and stilettos. *


It's all me baby, and I'm back!



*That's not to say that bangs, red lipstick and a new outfit hurt either ;) And thought I'd post a pic to show off my spiffy new bangs.

The Yoga Class

The Yogi, and The Student:

This is a time for love, for peace for showing love to those who are close in your heart. To your family. To your friends. To the people in your life. To the people that need love. To the people you do not like. Do not harbour negative energy, show them love. Feel deep down in your centre, the love you have and think about who and what you love.

I love Subway.

And relax. Take yourself to the floor. Breathe in and out. Breathe deep from inside and feel yourself stretching and relaxing all points. Close your eyes and let your mind and your body relax....

I have to fart. PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTT. K, better now.

......

Yoga is still a work in process.