Your Walking, Talking, Cautionary Tale

If you're going out on a Saturday night after a big ol' hiatus from the party world, then there's a couple rules of thumb to follow. I'm just warning you so that you don't find yourself in these situations.

If you meet someone and they turn out to be a part of your business team from Toronto, don't go, "Oh, so you're who's call's I've been avoiding."

If they're cute, don't eye fuck them. Seriously, stop it now!

Don't even think about going on the dancefloor with them. Refrain from dirty dancing with them when realizing that they would technically be your boss.

When the bar lights go on at the end of the night,realize you're drunk enough as is and don't go on a mission with your new dance partner to find more alcohol. Also ignore the phone ringing in your pocket. It's just jacket losing asshat trying to booty call.

When you find that you're place is the x on the map with more alcohol, hold up from going there. Also don't kiss this person. Fooling around is however optional.

When this boss dude dancing partner guy stops and says he can't go on cause he has a gf, try to find a classier approach than "You're useless to me. And the male equvalent of the cocktease. Goodnight."

In the morning when he wakes up and complains of a hangover, kindly get him a glass of water. Put ice and a straw in it for easier and more pleasurable drinking. Then slap him in the stomach for not telling you about the gf before you got into the cab. But not too hard or he'll puke on your bed.

Find out his real age. For example if he is throwing words around like "I feel 26" it doesn't neccesarily mean he's 26. It could in fact, mean he's 22. Just saying.

Make certain so that someone you both work with on the team sees you leave the bar, so that when he goes missing the next day everyone on the team retraces his steps it leads back to your place. And they all know he has a girlfriend, so you now look like a bar slew (even though nothing happened).

Make sure that it's great gossip for all the people on the team by 10am.

And avoid this boss at the upcoming conference in Salt Lake City.