Thursday, February 26, 2009

TMI Thursday: It Was NOT Whisper Quiet

(I would first off just like to thank Deutlich for having a TMI post that made my jaw drop today and convinced me to get out of my blogger/winter funk and write a post.)


When I was twenty one I came to Kamloops to come to school for my second year college, a spritely young thing. No longer as innocent or as virginal as my first try at college, but certainly not a worldly sophisticated woman in any sense of the word. At that point I had seen peen, but the encounters were still minimal as I had only been with my first love.


Now that my appetite for peen had been discovered only to be crudely ripped away from me post break up, I was looking for something to sait without the chance of AIDS, PREGNANCY AND DEATH.

And so when during my first week of college, at my new school on my new campus I was invited by a very liberal feisty group of woman to go to a sex toys party, I jumped on it. While we licked edible body creams and sprinkled shimmer dust on ourselves while those with partners giggled about what they should buy for some bedroom sparks. As a single woman I didn't really care about the warming massage oils, I was there with for one thing and one thing only.

A vibrator, namely.


So the time came and they started twirling the room as battery fuelled batons of pleasure. Every light, shape, size and girth came my way to look at, turn on and estimate how much it would turn me on. They had fancy clitoral stimuli and were whisper quiet and had beads and bumps to hit the g-spot Just So. I still don't know the point of the ones that light up different colours as it's not like your cervix will know the difference.

The only problem is that most of them cost a lot of money, 110.00 and up! That was money to be spent on tuition. I mean beer. I mean cigarettes. So when one was held up and not turned on it but priced at only 40 buckaroos it made me think that it would be the best choice economically, so I shelled out my moolah and traipsed home with my anonmously suspicious blacked out bag.

The thing is at home it looked a lot bigger. And bigger is only better until your ovaries are getting punched in the face. At 5'2" and not even a buck, the sheer logic was that it almost reached belly button potential. Yikes. But with the right amount of bad lube and D volt batteries I was still going to go pioneer on this bad boy. Travis was his name.

Travis was one bad ass motherfucker alright with a bad ass engine to boot. From the moment I turned him on he had things to say in VERY LOUD VOICE. Travis sounded like a car backing up that happened to be powered with an old lawnmower engine. Travis was the reason that the first time I turned him on ALL THREE ROOMATES stepped away from whatever and whoever they were doing to see what the noise was in my bedroom that late in the pm.

Travis was never to go near my kitty again. But that is not to say that he didn't make a great margarita mixer and in tune a great conversation starter at parties.

20 comments:

Ben said...

hahahahaha I have lived and died by the 'always looks smaller in the store' mantra. Somehow I still never learn my lesson and end up with things that will go nowhere near any part of mine.

Deutlich said...

I just burst an ovary from laughing

Roland Hulme said...

BRILLIANT.

LiLu said...

Omg... this is HILARIOUS... you definitely caught the spirit of TMI Thursday! I'll link ya ;-)

...love Maegan said...

I've seen three people now post about how great Deutlich's post was ...I think I have to go check it now!

also ...hilarious!

FoggyDew said...

"Travis was the reason ... to see what the noise was in my bedroom that late in the pm."

Seriously? That loud? Travis must have had a motor like a leaf blower (so to speak). Hope you answered your door with a breathless smile on your face.

At least you were able to repurpose him in the end.

Joyless Prole said...

So did you tell them you were just doing some late night leaf blowing, or what?

Melissa said...

Hahahaha! Oh Travis, you were the best drink mixer. Ever.

Mike said...

Hot!

The price of good vibrators have really come down.

Don't ask me how I know that. :P

Sarah K said...

I remember that sex party!

It's Me! said...

So you never tried the whole Get Up, Stretch, Say "I am going to go read my book now", Go Into Your Room, Turn On Travis Loudly, Enjoy, Emerge From Room Looking Sexed And Tousled And Declare "Wow. That was a good Chapter"? I promise it would have worked. No one would have been any the wiser!

Travis, eh? After Blink, right? Fitting that he'd be used for other unsavory purposes.

Slyde said...

thats a great story... guys cant really share any good vibrator stories, can we?

Candy's daily Dandy said...

HAHAHAHAAHAHA! Oh Travis, behave..

I've been to those sex toy parties too...You gotta get the $20.00 bullett. That's all you need. discreet and economical.

Meghan said...

Ben- I need to start following your advice.

Deutlich- thanks!

Roland- heh.

...Love Maegan- now that I relinked it right it may help

Foggy Dew-it's all about recycling

Joyless- leaf blowing? in my room? think they would have bought it?

Melissa- I want a marg now :(

Mike- yeah, that was my first and last experience with. I think I was scared off.

Sarah- I love that, that is where we met :)

Jess- Yes it is after Travis in Blink. You know me too well.

Slyde- depends on the guy...

Candy- I had a bullet but it died and I haven't found a good one since :(

Bruce said...

I have found in my travels through this life, that EVERY woman has a Travis......

(too funny....I was laughing till the end....excellent post)

Lad Litter said...

I've given this a lot of thought. It's not true that men don't have an equivalent to el vibro: it's just that ours are manual operation only. And we're supposed to be the gadget-besotted gender.

Rebekah said...

I finally had to toss my first vibrator when it got evil with age. For the first three years he did his job nicely. Then one night he tried to chew my girl parts off. Bye bye, Rabbit. :o(

Meghan said...

Lad Litter-LOL. Touche.

Rebekah- I had a bullet that did the same. Ouch.

Pyzahn said...

This is my first stumble in to your blog and my timing is interesting. I'm so uncreative. I never named by boy toy.

One day -- eons ago -- I walked out to my car and spotted a HUGE rubber penis lying on the ground. I stopped in my tracks.

My first inclination was to pick it up, but I hesitated and looked around for Allan Funt and the candid camera.

Deciding I was unwatched, I quickly picked the thing up with two prissy fingers and flung it into the car. When I got home, I gave it a thorough examination.

Other than a rare large size, it was very life like. Large veins, alas, they did not pulse.

I kept the thing in the glove compartment of my car. Whenever I had a new passengar, I would casually say, "Hey So-in-so, could you get me a tissue out of the compartment?"

The penis would roll out, friends would scream and cringe and howl. Then eventually everyone became envious.

Hmmmm, where is that penis today? I need a good laugh.

Bina said...

Oh. My. God. That is hilarious!!!!!!