The State Looks Down on sodomy

To answer Princess Polly's question in regard to embarrassment, I don't get embarrassed easily. Used to, but over the years desensitization has kicked in along with the common sense that to not be embarrassed I would have to 1.) stop drinking 2.) stop walking and 3.) stop talking. Since all are virtually unavoidable, it's just become a part of who I am, muchlike being short and awkward.


So rather than taking you through all my embarrassing moments chronologically throughout the years (you don't have the time to read and carpel tunnel would set in by then anyways) I'll just summarize with one doozie off the pile that comes to mind.



It was Thursday night at my college watering hole, and my lips were quenched by the sweet nectar of draft beer. Tastes like shyte but hits the spot. (Shoosh, I was young and broke.) There was an electricity all around that can only be caused by an overcrowded establishment serving alcohol to those young and in need. Sexual energy and tension perfumed the air. It was a night to get your crazy on.


And crazy is what I got. Flirting, drinking, smoking, dancing, laughing, touching,mingling; making sure all five senses were pleasantly aware and numb at the same time. It was somewhere between drink five and six that the drinker's curse hit me. Suddenly, I thought I was witty. Fuck that. I WAS witty! And funny. And I had important things to tell people, and gosh darned it they were gonna hear them. So what if the makeup I had carefully applied hours before had smeared like a watercolour left in the rain. I was still sexy and some lucky guys were gonna know it.


Sex trivia time!!!!!!! Time to show off my mad sexual skills to the masses. How awesome is that! Now as a part of Thirsty Thursdays there was alwas a trivia game given and based on each team's knowledge you could win prizes. Like more beer. It's like they were reading my mind and knew exactly what I wanted. It was gonna be awesome cause not only could I show off that I know what I'm doing in the sack to the table full of cute guys around, but I could win beer for everyone. Win-win, right?


The first few questions started and were surprisingly easy. A hush came over the crowd as people concentrated on writing down answers on paper to make certain other teams couldn't steal answers. The occasional giggle or snicker fell throughout the crowd as sexual terms came up but the competition was fierce. Then it came....


"Is Sodomy Legal in Canada?"

I decided that yes, yes it was. So I wrote it down. And promptly forgot about the question until it came time to go through and mark the answers with the crowd. There were debates over sexual terms...a woman's fav position is wha? What animal has the longest orgasm? And then came the part where we answered the question. Yes. It is legal in Canada, in fact.


The crowd laughed when hearing the news regarding sodomy, so bless my little heart and my alkihawl soaked membrane, I thought now would be a funny time to yell something out to the masses. So I did.


"THAT'S WHY WE LIVE IN CAAANNNNNAAADAAA!!!!!!!!!WHOOOOOOOOOOOAAAA. YEAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Silence. Except the deafening sound of every head in the room snapping to turn my way. Hundred of eyeballs peering at me ...with....disgust? amusement? I couldn't tell. I was still laughing at my own joke while my friends pretended not to hear or know me. The host awkwardly chuckled and gave an, "Ummmm, yah, whooo." into the mic. He was just humouring me cause I slept with him. And threw him off.


For the rest of the eve I was greeted with oddball guys coming up asking what I was upto later, dirty glances from bar patrons and laughter from tables whenever I went past them. But at that point I was so fargone that it was only mildly embarrassing. Not enough unfortunately to stop me from remembering the incident the next morn. And as I came to, with the taste of sock and regret in my mouth the first words that came to mind popped out of my mouth to my roomates...


"What's sodomy mean?"