Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Diagnosis

If you're a borderline hypochondriac *points at self* with a lot of natural health issues *finger still pointed* then the worst thing you can do is google your symptoms. Especially if you have a titchy bit of the crazy. It won't help. I have been feeling a general grossness all day long. Nauseated, dizzy, exhausted, achy, and an oddly tingly tongue. So far google has me convinced I have:

Anemia ( I don't eat meat/poultry and live off diet coke and fries. It's probable anyways)

Diabetes ( I'm severely hypoglycemic so maybe the pancreas decided to do a 180 for kicks)

Mono ( I do kiss a lot of boys)

MS ( What, like it couldn't happen)

The H1V1 virus formerly known as Swine Flu (it's trendy right now)

AIDS (I was promiscuous first year college, what can I say)

I accidentally inhaled meth from the crackheads that stand outside my workplace (it's not weed in their pipes and second hand smoke is serious business)

Immaculate conception (not so slutty now and very very safe)

Syphilis (apparently it's on the rise in BC and in Alberta)

Delayed nerve damage to my tongue from a root canal I got weeks ago.

An allergic reaction to :air/water/coffee/sun......

An unexplained disease that will merit a full chapter in a medical textbook and be named after me one day. "Meghanitis burns like brothel pee and has no known cure"....

This is why I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning to get blood work done. Because lord knows it can't be something like the flu or just a general run down feeling. That would make too much sense.

Oh and did I mention the irony that I'm terrified of blood test and they make me nauseated and faint and woozy? Yup, it's hard work being this nuts.

21 comments:

Jack said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jack said...

My money would be on swine flu out of that list. However, I don't know the levels of aforementioned promiscuity, so perhaps my informed opinion is merely a guess?

Organic Meatbag said...

I am totally terrified of needles and the mere sight of them nearly make me faint too... and I'm 35, so don't feel bad...I hope all goes well with your tests...

Kelsey said...

Do you have swollen-face? A friend of mine has what we're assuming to be the Mumps, and she looks like she's wearing a fat suit on the bottom of her face.

Glad to hear you're getting checked, I know the MS is running rampant in 20-30 yr olds ;)

Mike said...

Well if it's the HIV that's good that you're not as promiscuous and are safer.

Although if you do find out it's the HIV I strongly recommend that you be promiscuous with criminals, terrorists and welfare lifers.

Thanks in advance.

Melissa W said...

LOL! You crack me up.

Personally, I think sanity is highly overrated. I like the fact you are a little bit crazy, it makes you interesting. I'd rather be a little crazy than boring.

Hope everything goes well at the doctor's.

little erin said...

ha love it! we are so alike :)

Meghan said...

Jack- swine flu and anemia are prob the most realistic contenders.

Organic Meatbag- I don't have them for another 3 hours and am already starting to hyperventalate.

Kelsey- no swollen face yet...

Mike- I have no idea how to respond to this one.

Melissa W.- crazy people tend to be funner.

little erin- then don't google. just avoid it.

wekeepsaying said...

ugh, i do this all the time between google and webMD. my back hurts from something i did earlier and i have to look it up. my right eye is blurry, what's going on...look it up. why are my fingers tingling!? look it up. stomach cramps, it must be my appendix about to burst! look it up. half the time it's just an itch or a pulled muscle.

and i agree, crazy people are way funner.

Slyde said...

is it wrong that i keep scrolling down to that picture of you riding a horse and get aroused?

Racquel Valencia said...

Oh girl I feel you! I've managed to diagnose myself with everything from polio to gout.

Google: my only love sprung from my only hate.

Ben said...

I'm convinced I'm dying about 60% of the time. I've decided to put it out of my mind though.

Maxie said...

I always tell people I'm dying. I always know that THIS is the one that's going to take me out.

Meghan said...

wekeepsaying-agree, it's probably something small.

Slyde- rightclick/save

Racquel- good luck with the polio :P

Ben- that's probably for the best

Maxie-it could be. Carpe diem and shit.

P said...

re: the swine flu option...

quite a few people in my company have it. it's freaking me out.

not so much because i might die. i just didn't want to not be allowed to go on holiday...

J-Rock said...

syphilis is on the rise again? The 80s really ARE making a comeback! Hope you feel better soon...

LiLu said...

I just had a root canal... now I am going to be feeling my tongue for the next three weeks, looking for tingles...

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

There is a theory that when we read a list of symptoms if we don't have them we still convinced ourselves that we do.

Meghan said...

P- i see it all worked out as you're now on holidays :)

J-Rock- I think they crept back in with leggings or something.

Lilu- keep me updated for a tingle so I can continue to feed the crazy, thanks.

Nick- the placebo effect is named for a reason.

Maggie May said...

i just posted a quote from NYT on the side of my blog about this kind of thing...

i went through a hellish year of hypochondria YUCK

TaraMetBlog said...

You *points finger* sound like my husband he googles every symptom and finds the most alarming stuff for something minor. I hate when he does it for me when I didn't want to know ;)