Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The State Looks Down on sodomy

To answer Princess Polly's question in regard to embarrassment, I don't get embarrassed easily. Used to, but over the years desensitization has kicked in along with the common sense that to not be embarrassed I would have to 1.) stop drinking 2.) stop walking and 3.) stop talking. Since all are virtually unavoidable, it's just become a part of who I am, muchlike being short and awkward.

So rather than taking you through all my embarrassing moments chronologically throughout the years (you don't have the time to read and carpel tunnel would set in by then anyways) I'll just summarize with one doozie off the pile that comes to mind.

It was Thursday night at my college watering hole, and my lips were quenched by the sweet nectar of draft beer. Tastes like shyte but hits the spot. (Shoosh, I was young and broke.) There was an electricity all around that can only be caused by an overcrowded establishment serving alcohol to those young and in need. Sexual energy and tension perfumed the air. It was a night to get your crazy on.

And crazy is what I got. Flirting, drinking, smoking, dancing, laughing, touching,mingling; making sure all five senses were pleasantly aware and numb at the same time. It was somewhere between drink five and six that the drinker's curse hit me. Suddenly, I thought I was witty. Fuck that. I WAS witty! And funny. And I had important things to tell people, and gosh darned it they were gonna hear them. So what if the makeup I had carefully applied hours before had smeared like a watercolour left in the rain. I was still sexy and some lucky guys were gonna know it.

Sex trivia time!!!!!!! Time to show off my mad sexual skills to the masses. How awesome is that! Now as a part of Thirsty Thursdays there was alwas a trivia game given and based on each team's knowledge you could win prizes. Like more beer. It's like they were reading my mind and knew exactly what I wanted. It was gonna be awesome cause not only could I show off that I know what I'm doing in the sack to the table full of cute guys around, but I could win beer for everyone. Win-win, right?

The first few questions started and were surprisingly easy. A hush came over the crowd as people concentrated on writing down answers on paper to make certain other teams couldn't steal answers. The occasional giggle or snicker fell throughout the crowd as sexual terms came up but the competition was fierce. Then it came....

"Is Sodomy Legal in Canada?"

I decided that yes, yes it was. So I wrote it down. And promptly forgot about the question until it came time to go through and mark the answers with the crowd. There were debates over sexual terms...a woman's fav position is wha? What animal has the longest orgasm? And then came the part where we answered the question. Yes. It is legal in Canada, in fact.

The crowd laughed when hearing the news regarding sodomy, so bless my little heart and my alkihawl soaked membrane, I thought now would be a funny time to yell something out to the masses. So I did.


Silence. Except the deafening sound of every head in the room snapping to turn my way. Hundred of eyeballs peering at me ...with....disgust? amusement? I couldn't tell. I was still laughing at my own joke while my friends pretended not to hear or know me. The host awkwardly chuckled and gave an, "Ummmm, yah, whooo." into the mic. He was just humouring me cause I slept with him. And threw him off.

For the rest of the eve I was greeted with oddball guys coming up asking what I was upto later, dirty glances from bar patrons and laughter from tables whenever I went past them. But at that point I was so fargone that it was only mildly embarrassing. Not enough unfortunately to stop me from remembering the incident the next morn. And as I came to, with the taste of sock and regret in my mouth the first words that came to mind popped out of my mouth to my roomates...

"What's sodomy mean?"

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Open Book

I'm too freaking tired to post anything right now. But feel a Tuesday post is neccesary. Why? Just cause I said so. A real one will come this week. But for now I'm holding an open forum. Any question you'd ever want to ask (for the people that know me well) or are just pondering (for those who well don't know much abooot me at all) and I'm gonna answer honestly and to the best of my abilities. Pretty much I'm just knocking off a question/answer application from facebook.

Next thing you know I'll be poking other people's blogs and adding a "how great a kisser" are you quiz to the sidebar.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Song of the Week

My new fav song of the week.

Patrick Park-Life is a Song

This is the song I wish I had the talent and nerve to write an sing at a coffeehouse.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

They Pay You To Do What?

So I got naked for a class full of students yesterday. They didn't even have to collectively buy me a drink with their student funds. It pretty much goes against at least three pages of the very thick employee guideline handbook I received upon job offer.

Okay, okay it's not so bad. I was a test subject for a spa therapy class and of course had the shirt off. And my pants were a bit high waisted (laundry day) so they had to be undone and hiked down. Of course I was moooshed down on the table so there was no peeksies, but it still felt weird considering I've had half of them as students in my class.

Also the fact that it's been too cold to go outside the house other than work for groceries muchless razors made sure I had a good three days underarm stubble to show off too. But it's cold, I live alone and am currently not getting laid so I figured what does it matter...oops.

So for fourty-five minutes I got paid to get a back massage. I love my job.

*** *** *** *** ***

I'm not going to post about Heath Ledger's untimely death at this point but am just going to refer people to read a beautiful story on about her day spent working with him. I'm glad she shared her encounter.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Where's the Cup?

5 Websites to try on For Size

I've been tagged by Maverick to share my top 5 websites I visit daily. Not sure if they're my top 5 but they are definately the ones that I can think of this early in the morning.

1.) Perez Hilton ; is like a dirty addiction. I think he can be mean and hypocritical and often his claims havevery little merits. I tell myself I will not click on it daily. It's a lie, as I'm hooked.

2.) In a similar vein, The Superficial. Also full of tabloid gossip but the sense of humour has me cackling out loud behind my desk at work.

3.) Veg Web. Good recipes for vegetarians and vegans, some yummy and tasty and some just pretentious and gross. But it's nice for any vegetarians looking to get away from natchos and pizza pops.

4.) is actually good for having credible and up to date news sources, entertainment news and links to articles that help me to waste my day wisely in the office. Knowledge about home reno's, 'if he's the one' and 'how to dress for success' are amongst some of the daily time munchers.

5.) To copy Mav all the blogs I read that are interesting and informative and make me realize ther's so many people worldwide that have similar viewpoints and great stories to share. Thanks to all of you:)

Now it's my turn, so I'm going to tag



Pirate Jessica

Chelsea (Talks Smack)

Princess Polly

Happy websurfing!

Sunday, January 20, 2008


1 bottle of Wine
2 Minijugs of beer
2 Ceasars
? Tequila

Is all it takes to have the worst headache I've ever had for two days.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

So You Think You Know Your Friends....

And then one night he* invites you over for pizza. And you bring the beer. And you end up watching porn. And the following conversation takes place....

Me, "She's faking it."
Him, "Well she seems to be enjoying herself."
Me, "Haha, you can't tell when a girl is faking."
Him, "Or I've just never had a girl fake."

Me, "Ewww, is that girl sticking something in that other girl's bum?"
Him, "Yeah. What, " (shocked) "you've never done that?"
Me, "Umm, no. Gross."
Him, "It's not so bad."
Me, (shocked), "You'va had something stuck in your bum?"
Him, "No, but I've been with a few girls who have liked it."
Me, "Gross."

Me, "Is that guy licking that girl's bum?!?"
Him, (even more shocked), "Wait, you've never had a guy do that to you."
Me, "No, I would kick a guy out of my bed for that. I've kicked guys out of my bed for less."
Him, "So, I'm guessing you've never licked a guy's ass before."
At this point the look on my face was enough to clarify the answer.
Him, "You're more innocent than I gave you credit for."

Him, "That's right, take that dirty girl and have sex with her on the beach."
Me, "Something about sex on the beach is very unappealing. I think it's the thought of sand in the vadge."
Him, "But it would be worth it."
Me,"Meh, to each their own. Just like I don't know about having sex in a hottub ever since I heard about air bubbles causing embolysms and sudden death."
Him, (now it's time for him to give me the weird look) "Hasn't happened to me yet."
Him, "Are you sure you're not a virgin?"

*name protected for my sexually deviant comrade.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Self Maintaining.

Can anyone explain to me what high maintenence is?

No, I'm actualy quite serious. I have no idea what is considered 'high maintenence' and when I ask my guy friends they either don't know how to answer or get uncomfortable about trying to explain it to a woman who has been branded as such.

I've had a handful of people admit over the last few years that I would fit the typecast when the debate has come up. Mid twenties dating forums always have the recurring theme from men complaining about not wanting to deal with high maintenence women. But in order to know how to fix a problem, one would have to know what the problem is first.

Now I have my theories. The first being that high mainenence is a woman who expects a guy to foot the bill all the time. (also known as the elusive maneater) This is somethingI can definately not be accused of for a few reasons 1.) I never date guys long enough to have that be the case. 2.) I don't like guys to pay for my bills. Sure, when you have a boyfriend and he wants to take you out for a meal I'm not gonna object. But I would never expect or accept anything from a guy beyond as it can create a power struggle and I am a control freak (that could be a part of it....). I'll be that girlfriend that'll get beer and pizza when coming over to watch hockey (yes I like hockey and beer and pizza. Not just throwing it out there to seem like a 'girls's guy). ou pay for dinner and I'll pay for the movie sort of deal. Fair is fair.

The next is someone with too many demands/rules etc. within a relationship. Now, I do have high expecations of people and therefore this could be confused with high mainenence. Ex.) If you say we're going to meet for coffee at 3:00, show up at 3:00. People run late, and life happens but if you show up twnety minutes late every freaking time, I'm gonna be pissed. I don't consider that high mainenence, more common courtesy. I don't care if a guy takes off to Vegas for the weekend with his posse. As long as he doesn't come back with another women's name tattooed across his chest or a raging case of hepatitis, have fun!

The next clue to high mainetence-ville-ski is taking forever to get ready. This I am guilty of. But i will not apologize for the process. It's not a 2 hour process it's 45 minutes tops for a night out on the town and I find they guys tend to appreciate when their lady looks good, has unfrizzy hair, smooth legs and unwrinkled clothes so deal. I don't expecta guy to wait around for the process (moreof a private affair) and I shall not make someone late because of it. I have a watch and know how long I take to get ready and will make certain that it's within appropriate time constraints.

The final clue to the high maintenence gal is one who is clingier than saran wrap on a brownie. Also, just not my style. Sure I'll call people, text them and facebook msg, but within social norms. If I spend too much time with any one person in particularyou will anoy me. I love my independence and space.Nothing personal. Iwould expect the same. You have other friends, so do I. One day they'll meet and join forces and possibly take over the world together. But today I'm hanging out with my girls, so you do whatever it is that you want.

So with all factors explained, I'm still confused as to what exactly is 'high maintenence' and how I foot the bills. it's hard when not everyonewho reads, knows me personally it's just me throwing it out there for that when people say "well, I guess you're kind of high maintenence' I can calmly explain that I am perfectly capable of self maintaining.

Monday, January 14, 2008

I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore!

I have a big ol stinking confession.
And I'm not gonna fight it anymore.

I love, love, love LOLcatz. They are so cheesy and cavity inducing sweet it's the sort of website that would make me wanna barf a little. But I can't fight it anymore. The cute captions. The adorable pictures. They make you smile and giggle and feel good.

So from here on out on my blog, Mondays are LOLCat Mondays. Cause Mondays are usually kinda crap anyways right, and you need something to give you a chuckle if nothing else. So without further ado...

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

A Positive Post

So after yesterday's ranty post I thought I's post a positive one :)

This week is apparently bloggers official delurking week ( I read it on a blog I lurk) so I am going to make a point of coming out of the closet and delurking on a few of the blogs I read. Who knows, maybe they lurk me too. Or maybe not. Either way it's great to read other people's blogs and feel like you've gotten to know them in an odd way, even if you've never met. I've laughed out loud at other people's adventures and felt pain for other people's losses.

Reading other people's blogs is what made me want to get back into writing again. It was so much fun to tell stories to people and have feedback that I wanted to partake in the party once again. People are slowly starting to come back and the momentum is rising. You know you've been bitten by the bug when you think after something relevant,"that'll make a great blog post!"

So thanks to everyone that reads, lurkers and unlurkers. It feels great to have an audience to share your stories with, and know that they have stories to share with you.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

You Know You're Getting Older When...

You have a hellish day of work that makes you want to scream and cry and burn the mother _______ office to the ground. When you get home you want to have a tall, strong drink and a cigarette. You want to punch people in the face who look at you the wrong way, you want a football team to accidentally show up looking for directions and you want the night to turn into an adventure that'll make Harold and Kumar jealous for months. Drugs and mayhem, sex and bloodlust. Vulgarity and no remorse.

But instead you make some pasta and have a nap. Maybe tomorrow.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Resolve This

In the past I've scoffed at New Years resoultions, but int he past three years have found them quite successful. I have vowed to better my career; and have. I have clinked glasses on New Years Eve towards health and have taken on a healthier lifestyle, etc. So this year when the clock struck twelve and the new year began it gots me a thinking about what I wanted to work on this year.

My theory, since I cannot find one concrete resolution that feels right is I'm gonna throw a whole buncha halfass ones in the pot and see what sticks. Such as....

1.) Drink less. There's nothing I love more than drinking beer at rock trivia or when watching a game and pounding back a couple ceasars after a hard days work. I'll find any ol excuse to drink wine and think hot chocolate and baileys go hand in hand. So a hard one to pull off. But over the last year I've drank a few times to the point of being completely out of my comfort and control and that makes me uneasy. (losing panties?!? i gave my wallet to whom?! who's bed am i in?). Now I love a shit show as much as the next but think it's time to start to hang up the party girl crown. That;'s not to say I won't be picking it up off the shelf and dusting it off from time to time.

1 week, so far so good (of course the fact that I'm sick as a dog and can't drink doesn't hurt)

2.) Stop smoking. Technically I wuit smoking three years ago after going from a pack a day smoker to having a puff when I drink. The only problem is I crave drinking sometimes just to justify that sweet sweet nicotiney goodness. It is still about a pack a month, but there's nothing sexy about waking up after a night of drinking with a stuffy nose and clothes that reek. Also I was just recently kissing a boy who complained that my hair smelled like smoke and it was mortifying. Screw health, I'll quit for vanity.

1 week, so far so good (of course the fact that I haven't drank this past week doesn't hurt)

3.) Become healthier. This one sucks as genetically I'm very slim and look in shape....until I run up a flight of stairs and you see I have the lungs of an 80 year old smoker. Seriously, if I tried to run you'd find me ten metres past the start like wheezing and crying. Sooo sad. But I hate exercise so this year I want to find a form of exercise that is enjoyable that will allow me to get healthy and fit. Also less poutine, more leafy greens.

1 week, well I have to move stuff around at work this week so a good start. And if tea and soup are healthy then I'm on my way.

4.) Learn to say no. I'm trying to outgrow the people pleaser stage in my life where I have troubles saying no. And even worse are the people that know this and take advantage of it. Grrrrr. This year I'm gonna get over the whole sick feeling in the stomach, guilt inducing, cringe worthy factor of just saying NO.

5.) Fuck number five. That's plenty enough. I was gonna have another one about how I should try to be classier, but then I wouldn't be true to who I am really.

So lets see how it goes, maybe it'll work and maybe it won't but you gotta give it a shot, right?

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Not a New Years Post

That is yet to come as I don't have the energy for it tonight.

Right now I have a cold from hell which is leading to a bad ass case of the sleepies all the time. Not the best way to ring in the new year. OR Leanne gave me mono after molesting my face on NYE.

Right now the campus is getting completely renovated. Meaning I get to breath in gyprock dust and paint fumes all day. And adding insult to the cold ickyness is having to spent all day long at work crawling under desks/moving heavy stuff/sweating grossly. When I said I wanted more exercise in the new year it's not exactly what I meant.

One of my best's may be leaving me for four months on Saturday in search of better work and I can't blame her. She's just dead to me. I kid I kid. But I think it's gonna be a quiet four months without my partner in drunken crime/road trip buddy/sushi date. Sigh.

On a positive note however, my comrades at Starbucks started a new program where they have a customer of the week. And not only does the customer get their drinks FREE for the week but I got my name(spelled right!) and fav drink on the chalk board. Free shit and attention? Solid gold. It made my week. And it doesn't even start until Monday. One week of free Starbucks drinks, well that means I can practically afford the new Beamer I want.

I think this is going to be a year of transition. I can feel it. More about that later.