Tuesday, May 27, 2008


I warned her is she didn't shape up I'd post this! Maybe now she'll start taking me more seriously...

Slightly used cat looking for a home to terrorize.
Answers to the name of Tinkerbell. ( Coney, Tink, Tinky, Tinkwhorebell, Trogdor the Burninator)
Will look cute as a button, puke on the floor, then continue to look cute as a button while you clean up the puke. Then meow because she's hungry.
Is scared of airconditioners, the vet, and the toilet flushing.
Will whore herself out for anyone within petting distance.
Hogs beds and couches but is great for spooning on a cold day.
Loves attention, cat treats and hair elastics to add to the collection under the fridge. Is sworn enemies with her tail.
Will meow if you step into the kitchen, make food or eat food. But does not like people food.
Will play ONLY between the hours of 11:00pm-2:00am. Even if you are sleeping. Even if it means having apartment neighbours bang on the wall because she's knocking things into the wall.
Wants to be petted, but will scratch you if you pet her two seconds longer than she see's fit.
Gloves will come with cat. Likes to play in cat litter and scoop it onto the kitchen floor to roll in. Swiffer coupons come with.
If interested enquire within at piratemeghan (at) hotmail.com. Only interested applicants need apply.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

It's Like The Circle of Life

Does anyone else...

Nap when they should be blogging.

Blog when they should be working.

Watch tv or read when they should be cleaning.

Clean when they should be sleeping because they can't sleep due to napping.

Live off crap food cause they're too busy reading blogs to make something or buy the groceries to make something healthy and yummy.

Feel tired all the time due to possible lack of nutrients and from all the napping. And the staying up cleaning.

Feel broke all the time despite working and seemingly never buying anything (certainly not groceries).

Have tons of clutter and crap (books/clothes/stuff) despite beong broke. Which needs constant cleaning or it'll look messy.

But you can't clean. Cause you're either at work blogging, or at home napping. Or you get tired of living off olives and tatertots and make your way to the grocery store.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Happy Camper

Dear Nature,

I've spent much of the winter months avoiding you. You've been a cold, aggressive bitch and there's only so long a person can be polite. A lack of vitamin d is a small price to pay when talking bout frozen tootsies.

But now that the sun is slowly starting to peek out, I'm done playing Ms.Almostbutnotquite Nice Girl. I'm facing you head on. We're gonna have at it out mono-et-mono.

The best way to get back on the right foot is with a weekend together. So we'll go on a couple's retreat in the woods. In a tent. Some people know this as camping, not 'are you fucken kidding me'? I'll be experimental and call it 'roughing it'. I'm going to give up my cell phone reception and internet access for you, so I'm hoping you'll keep all things creepy and crawly to a minimum. As much as you do seem to enjoy when bees buzz around me and I scream like a little girl, while running and flapping my arms, it is not as funny as you think it is.

I will respect boundaries and learn to use an outhouse. Well, no I won't as outhouses freak me out but I will pee in the woods and admire the chirpy chipmunk sounds in the background. I promise not to pee on pretty flowers but can't promise I won't try to write my name in the sand when drunk. Recycled teepee and nature friendly dishsoap will be used, cause if we're gonna try to get rid of our feud, we should start on the right foot. It's all about respect.

Your homeboy Smokey the Bear already gave me a heads up about campfires and lets shake on it right now. I'm not gonna throw plastic or alcohol or gas or anything else that would entertain me whilst inebriated into the fire if you don't blow the smoke in my eyes. No promises about poking it with a stick though.

You're going to be nice and not rain and I'm going to not be the asshat who brings their blow up, generator infused hottub. Fair is fair, right? If I leave any traces of veggie dogs around due to the sudden need to sleep facedown, enjoy them. Cooties don't exist in the great white open, my sister from another mister.

Pretty much what I'm trying to say is we're gonna be stuck together for the next handful of months for a few adventures. Outdoor four day musical festivals, camp trips, trips down the river, etc. So I think this would be a good time to make a fresh start of it and leave all our past baggage behind. I won't curse the sun when it makes me red. I won't curse the mosquitos when they buzz at night. All I ask is for you to throw out some blue skies and picturesque locations my way.
Think about it and get back to me, k friend? Cause if this goes sour again, we're gonna have quite the custody battle over the ocean views. And I can be a gossipy beotch, you better believe.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Three Wishes

Tagged by the fabulous Fashionista to give my three wishes, so here's we go....

1.) To get my car. Here. In one piece....and I present to you.....

My new boyfriend. His name is Buzz, after Buzz Lightyear (Toy Story) because the fact that it's an Infiniti makes me think of "to infinity and beyond!" This is my third car in less than a year, so I'm hoping to keep this one for awhile.

2.) For my mommy to have an awesome day. She has. She went shopping, didn't cook and was all around appreciated forher fabulousness. I adore and love my mom and the fact that my parents live so far away bums me out sometimes but I was able to see them this weekend and so that was happiness.

3.) Superpowers. Like flying or xray vision (and yes, I'd use it to my advantage to be a creeper) or the ability to know all answers for rock trivia no matter how loaded I am.

And you thought I was gonna wish for a million more wishes or world peace...

Tuesday, May 6, 2008


I'm still too sick to post, or think, or breathe so instead I'll just throw out a picture. Now I know why Tinkerbell looks out the window longingly.
Also is it weird that this is the fourth blog (that I read) to address poop this week? Theme week, perhaps? Next week's theme....monkey butlers, love them or leave them?

Friday, May 2, 2008

Get Outta My Head

K, I'm on some kickass antibiotic right now. Why? The doctor boiled it down to ear infection/strep throat. That or scurvy. Either or I would suspect.

Anyhooooow. They rock at making me not feel like I have water in my ear, and I dig that. Just like the throat that no longer burns of sweet sweet hellfire. But have been noticing that ever since starting these pills I have occured some of the more messed up dreams I've had in quite some time. Observe...

Night 1) My parent arrive with my car* and I'm hella stoked after being carless for seven weeks. But it's not neccesarily the car they promised. In fact rather than showing up in an Infiniti J83 they show up in a 1980's minivan with Infinity spraypainted on the back. I balk that this is my new set of wheels. They get huffy and call me upgrateful. I'm in the mountains and there's a blizzard so I do what anyone would do. Take a nap in the spacious backseat and hope things work themselves out.

Night 2) I have sex with a fellow blogger. In a confession booth. In a mall. With people watching.

Night 3) I'm in a setting that in very horror movie-esque. Such as 2 killers trying to kill me in an institutional building where I keep having to run and find places to hide. There's even the cheeseball part where there's a morgue and I hide under the bedsheet like another body to avoid imminent stabbing to the face.* Somehow I find a secret passageway to a whole other section of the building which is safe from the killers. And I go to the cafeteria and pay 17 dollars for a fajita and am choked at the price. I also notice my ex boyfriend sitting at the cafeteria and I look like ass from all the running and sweating. I debate going back to serial killer ville. Instead I stay and eat and pretend to ignore him.

* The car arrives next Saturday!
* Even though there's a morgue in the building this isn't a hospital

Now lets see what tonight brings...