Saturday, November 29, 2008

The Sh%$ That Falls Out of My Head

Random Celebrity Updates

1.) Like most women and some men I want to have sexytime with Edward Cullen.(Twilight) NOT Robert Pattinsen or whatever his name is. Nope, poop on him. It's the dead guy I want to have sex with. Kinda creepy being that he's a teenager, but I figure that he's a lot older than me in vampire years so it all balances out. And even creepier with the fact that my concern is with his age. Not the fact that he's, you know. Dead.

2.) I love Britney's music and remember tying up my shirts and singing along to 'Baby One More Time' and getting my belly button pierced after she got hers done. She is my music video sexpot. That being said, how does anyone else not see that she still has crazy in her eyes. Like super crazy. It's just being carefully smothered by a sea of publicists and management with vice grips, puppet strings and a constant supply of Starbucks and Ativan. I'm telling you love her or not she's still eyeballin the pink wig and practicing her British accent into a hairbrush. Mark my words.

3.) Does anyone else find Hilary Duff's new attempt of sexy music videos much in the same vein as watching your little sister dress up in heels and lipstick shaking what isn't there to old Madonna music videos? Yeah.

4.) I want to go to a T.I. concert so he can sign my boobs and talk about sex that's wet and nice. As apposed to the sandpaper sex that's nice.

Random Life Updates

1.) If diet coke had a penis and similar life goals, I would marry it.

2.) Meet my new handbag, Claudia. I love her. Whoever says material items can't bring you happiness obviously doesn't have the same bag.

3.) I bought a fridge full of veggies to make yummy dinners throughout the week. But still managed a dinner of tomato soup. And a box of chocolate chip cookies. A BOX.

4.) Normally I oooooze Christmas out of every pore and am that person you want to kill because I'm humming Christmas tunes first week of Nov. This year, bahumbug. None yet, even with Eggnog Lattes and christmas tarts coming into the roster.

5.) If you have about an hour of time to kill *cough*work*cough* go check out my friend Nick's blog. He posted some of the quotes that have come from the people he knows over the years (all the way back from when we were a couple of spritely college kids) and to say they are embarrassingly and offensively awesome is an understatement. 5 years of hilarity and stupidity in the making. Note, I am going to repeat that they are offensive.
That is all.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Excuses, Excuses

To put the final nail in the break up posts I have to say life is definately starting to get back to it's normal hectic, crazy self. Stress, god how I missed you. But there's a slight difference to my day to day actvities now. I have a built in excuse. Like"the wrong time of the month" only less gross.

A box of cookies makes for an excellent dinner as does the diet coke and (2) Kit Kat breakfast. The diabetic coma will be worth see cause...I'm dealing with a break up.

The shoes, I need them. Same with the jacket. And the bag. I have to have them.I'm feeling fug. Cause I'm dealing with a break up.

I need to start looking at tropical places to go visit, cause my ex won't be there. Cause you know. It's all about dealing with the break up.

Alcohol? Break up.

Days of watching food tv without putting on pants? Break up.

Dishes in the sink? Definately cause of the break up.

Plants dead? A symbol of my relationship. After the break up.

Cutting off traffic? Due to the stress. Of the break up.

My God. It's genius. And after finally winning the battle and getting my housekeys back, I know life will be not only be good. it will be great. But I better go get that fancy ass makeup kit. Cause my face isn't getting any younger. And I have to be on my game. Ever since the break up.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

So You've Been Dumped, Now What?

Well, getting dumped is an artform I'm familiar with so instead of continue my fetal position laptop viewing, I've compiled a Reference Guide to Dumpsville! Population, You!

Do send an email to him stating your feelings about the break up knowing he may or may not answer it. It doesn't have to resort to namecalling or bashing, just a simple email that will clarify what was not dealt with accordingly during the relationship. It doesn't matter if he reads it, this is for your benefit. It's your closure, not his.

Don't keep checking his facebook/your phone for texts. They are not coming and his status will not change to address that "Meghan I made a huge mistake and I'm an asshole with some deeprooted communication problems and I'm sorry." It's not going to happen. If alll else delete him so you will stop question who the women are that are added. He is their problem now, not yours.

Do sell the stuff that he will not claim from your house on Ebay and buy yourself something nice with the profits. The batman costume will bring other people joy and burning it is just going to make your place smelly.

Do change your locks if he 'lost' or will not give back your housekeys. A 15$ charge and angry talk with your landlord is worth the cost of waking up everynight wondering if someone is hovering over you or looking to boil your cat.

Don't go hook up with someone to try to feel better about yourself cause you're feeling chock full of fug right now. It's not going to validate you or make you any better to use this person as a sounding board for your esteem. You're using someone as a masturbation tool and you will feel icky afterwards. I know this from past experience.

Do go out and get drunk but not within 3 days of the actual break up. At that point you're far too vulnerable and likely to drunk-cry, drunk-dial, drunk-rebound, or drunkedy drunk drunk trainwreck. Wait, collect your thought, then dive into the bottle of tequila and enjoy!

Don't feel like you have to be strong all the time. It's okay to cry. It's okay to miss him and feel sad about the good times that you had together. It's okay to look back with nostalgia. It's alright to smell the shirt he left that smells like him and feel sad cause you know it's gone. It's okay to have manic fits of anger where you want to kick him and claw at him and make him understand how much he's hurt you. It's okay to feel the sudden and sharp pain of someone being plucked from your routine. It's okay to miss the in jokes and not have a shelf life for how long you're supposed to mourn. It's alright cause you know at the end of the day you still believe in love and this has knocked you down but the bruises will heal while his scars are just rising to the surface.

and DO realize that this chapter has ended. But the story is far from over, and look forward to turning the page.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Epic. Relationship. Fail.

Just so you have a visual, I'm writing this ia a moderate fetal position. As much as one can be whilst writing on a laptop. Just so you know how sad and pathetic I feel.

We broke up today.* Via text message. Makes the post it note break up look classy. It had been coming for longer than I wanted to admit. When I'm in a relationship I give it everything I got, no holds barred. Not to say I don't enter with caution and look both ways but I'm not someone who will hold you at arms length when we've crossed that bridge.

I'd like to give you specifics as to why but I am trying to grasp it myself. Cheating? Perhaps. Need for space? Definately. But after four months to suddenly deny any and all contact one day-block my number and cease all forms of communication. Ouch. To text me that "I lost your keys. Keep my stuff. I don't want to hear from you."

I wish I had done something wrong so I could at least tell people that I fucked it up. Intead I'm left feeling like I am being punished for a fuck up that I do not know I committed. He wants nothing to do with me. After I asked why he was pulling away from me. Like I'm not supposed to notice the time we spend together is time he choose, which is limited.Like I'm not supposed to question any subject he finds uncomfortable cause that will lead to him ignoring me for no less than two days. Like it's not humiliating to admit your boyfriend doesn't find you attractive, sexually. Yeah, ask me my feelings of self worth right now.

Four months spent rationalizing why he would not change his facebook status to single. Four months not questioning the random girls that are added to facebook as it irritates him. Four months spent where I gave it my everything and he did not and that's why today I sit here crying on my couch while he wipes his hands clean. He had nothing invested but material items which he is happy to rid himself of.

I feel like a failure, whether it is me or not. The point is I had a relationship and gave it my all....and it failed. It didn't last six months. It's hard not to take it personally. But when the dust is cleared and my eyes are dry I will pick myself up and start over. But for today, it hurts. And t hurts a lot.

*Yes I am blogging about my breakup and it is tacky as hell. Breakups much like relationships are personal(and therefore not my usual blog foddler) and I'm showing no respect towards the relationship through posting which makes me no better. But he does not read my blog nor do his friend. It's a outlet which is not going to name him, call him names, or anything like that. I'm not blasting him to his face. I'm not blasting him to his friends. I'm not creating havoc on facebook as I am trying to be the bigger person while he is hurling insults without cause so this is my outlet and if it lowers me, so be it.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Dressin Up Like Barbie

With each Halloween that passes I notice a growing trending of well, shrinking clothes. Granted, I'm no longer a child growing up on the border of Alaska with costumes made to fit over top of snowsuits. (Although it was convienent for the year I went as Staypuff).

But the barometre still is far from warm and yet the skirts continue to get shorter and the tops smaller. I'm not one to talk as I had a sexy Robin costume to go with my man's Batman, but at what point is the bar stretched a little too far? Sexy nuse? Hell yeah. Sexy pirate? Harrrdly wrong? But sexy ghostbuster? Sexy Hermoine? Sexy ladybug?

I say if we're going to push, fly over and bastardize the bar the lets just keep on going and not look in the rearview mirror. Hence some of the costumes I have come up with...

Sexy sanitization worker.
(Your garbage can or mine?)

Sexy resident care attendant.
(You'll never look at a catheter bag the same again)

Sexy accountant.
(1+1+1=hellls yeah!)

Sexy meat grinder.
(mmmm, fresh meat)

Sexy wombat costume.
(Help repopulate an endangered species)

The list can keep going on and on, but you get the hint.Think about it. But know I patented these costumes first ;)