Wednesday, December 31, 2008
101 Things in 1001 Days...
I'm So Vain, That I Definately Know This Song Is About Me
1) Wear fake eyelashes.
2) Do 25 situps a day for an entire month.
3) Wear make up every day for an entire month.
4) Get my tattoo touched up.
5) Get another one.
6) Get my nose fixed that is always plugged.
7) See if I can get a nose job out of it.
8) Wear a headband, hats and skinny jeans without looking like a fool.
9) Take more fashion risks.
10) Buy something without looking at the price tag.
11) Get a massage and get over the discomfort of being naked in front of someone
Leaving On a Jet Plane
12) Get my passport.
13) Go to a country where English is not the first language
14) Go back to Stewart and appreciate it in a way I never did growing up.
I Like to Do Stuff
15) Sew an entire outfit. All by myself.
16) Sing. At kareoke. All by myself. Completed Dec 05/09
17) Have a full long weekend of SATC marathon
18) Flair bartend
19) Learn to do the full Thriller dance.
20) Do home renos.
21) Start a herb garden on my patio.
22) Go to an art gallery event
23) Read more.
24) Watch less tv. (Cable cancelled)
25) Train my cat to not play in her litter.
26) Rent and watch St. Elmo's Fire and Sixteen Candles and Pretty in Pink
27) Watch a movie with subtitles.
28) Go to another town. Fake an identity for an evening.
29) Go to a broadway musical.
30) Go to a runway show.
31) Do an extreme sport.
Career and Finance and Bling
32) Have ALL my credit card balances at 0.
33) Have a financial plan towards both retirement and buying a house
34) Get published
35) Stop taking about office spacing the fax. Just do it
36) Love my job
37) Learn a new skill
38) Play hooky from work. Just for a day.
39) Have furniture in my house that is not a hand me down, value village purchase or have a no payments til ____ surplus.
40) Kiss a rockstar.
41) Make love by candlelight.
42) Be able to say penis without giggling
43) Get kissed during a rain shower.
44) Go on a date with someone I wouldn't normally go on a date with.
45) Do a striptease
46) Have sex in a car.
47) Wait to get to know someone before having sex.
Trying to Work My Way onto Santa's Nice List
48)Volunteer more. And actually do it.
49) Start buying local.
50) Quit using plastic grocery bags.
51) Meghan, meet coffee thermos. Coffee thermos, meet Meghan.
52) Don't hit anything with my car (technically that's doing good)
53) Get over my fear/uncomfort with children .
54) Recycle more.
55) Give away something I love to someone who will appreciate it just as much.
56) Play with my cat more.
57) Give someone flowers, just because.
58) Run for a cure. And actually run it.
59) Try to see someone else's side of the story.
Deeper Than A Fishbowl
60) Make a legal will.
61) Find out what I wanna be when I grow up.
62) Stop saying 'yes' to make people happy.
63) Get to reknow someone I've grown apart from over the years.
64) Get over my irrational fear and get tested for HIV.
65) Have a day where I love my appearance without looking at the flaws.
66) Stop apologizing for who I am.
67) Mend broken friendships.
68) Get rid of toxic people. Don't allow anymore in.
69) Accept my brother for who he is.
70) Get to really KNOW my dad.
71) Make blogging a source of income
72) Meet a fellow blogger, previously unknown.
73) Discover a new blog every day for one month.
74) Learn to use google reader
75) Learn how to upload videos onto a blog
Food? Yes, Please!
76) Eat cheesecake for breakfast. And dinner.
77) Eat cavier
78) Find the perfect veggie bacon.
79) Drink real champagne
80) Eat a meal with no idea what's in it. (Thanks, Cuba!)
81) Bake a cake or cookies from scratch and have them turn out.
82) Go to a wine tasting.
83) Make a souffle.
84) Try cooking meat.
85) Host and cook for a dinner party.
The Miscellaneous Category of Course
86) Learn more about Canadian politics.
87.) Camp under the stars
88) Make more lists. I love lists.
89) Find out what 'I love lamp' means or refers to. Not that many people can like actual lamps.
90) Stop waiting for a guy to buy me a diamond. Buy myself one.
91) Stop screaming at bees.
92) Take up photography. Find the beautiful in the little things.
93) Camp. In the woods. For no LESS than 2 days.
94) Laugh til I cry.
95) Give my parents something to show how much I appreciate everything they have given me.
96) Learn to like pancakes.
97) Don't kill a cellphone til I can actually upgrade
98) Throw up some damn pictures on my very bare walls
99) Get over my fear of escalators
100) Learn to drive a standard car.
101) Do namoblopo next November, as well as the 20SB carnivals :)
HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
To do what will probably be the last meme of 2009, I saw this one on Aine Catriona's blog the other day and it was intriguing. Pretty much if you want to play along throw out an 'interview me' onto the comments section and I'll email you 5 questions for you to answer on your blog and so forth. Pretty simple and a good chance to get to get to answer some fellow bloggers some of the questions you've been dying to know :)
1. Since you mention them in your blogger bio and in your e-mail address, I'm going to assume that pirates are a bit of a fetish foryou. What is your earliest pirate memory?
Hmm, it isn't so much a fetish as much as it is an ongoing joke. One of my closest friends Jessica and I were watching Finding Nemo in theatre (yes, way past our teen years) and for some reason got onto the topic that if college didn't work out for us we could always have a backup career as pirates and the ball started rolling. Now I have collected some fine pirate garb over the years and make it a tradition to float the the river every year on my birthday with friends on tubes wearing pirate hats. It's immensely fun.
2. What are your thoughts on how mainstream pirates have gotten since Pirates of the Caribbean? Also, do you buy Kiera Knightley as thepirate wench-esque character she plays?
Guilty confession time. I didn't like the first Pirates OTC movie and haven't seen the others. To be honest Goonies is a way better movie about treasure hunts and Chunk is a pretty rad character. As far as Keira, she's ridiculously hot but more fit for cute movies like Love Actually.
3. Recently you posted a virtual gift-swap involving some of yourfavorite bloggers. When and why did you start blogging?
I've been blogging ever since I took a class based on web based journalism through blogging in 2003. I hap hazardly kept a blog throughmy college years to keep my friends back home upto date and never thought much of it and let it die off. The about 2(ish?) years ago I started to get really bad anxiety and found that writing on a blog was actualy a very therapeutic way to release some emotions I didn't know were there. It's very cathartic. Now I blog for a multiple of reasons, to entertain, for emotional clarity, and to get in touch with other bloggers as I find blogger stories and posts to be some of the most interesting, funny and heartfelt reads out there. It really has transformed into a blogger community I'm proud to be a part of.
4. Is there anyone you wouldn't want to read your blog? Why or why not?
My parents knowI have a blog andI have asked them not to read it and as far as I know they have respected that, same with my family. My blog really is like my diary, and just like how I wouldn't tell my parents every aspect of my personal life ("Hey mom, you should see the guy I shagged last night!") I don't feel it would be appropriate to read this deep into my psyche for privacy sake. Same with coworkers. In my "real life" I'm actually a fairly private person so would feel a sense of violation if coworkers were to read.
5. If you could read one celebrity or fictional character's blog,who's would it be and why?
(Assuming, of course, that celebrities arerelatively literate.)
Good question :) I find most celebrities to be vapidly annoying entertainment that are viewed as societal zoo animals. And how many hours can you view a polar bear before you get bored. I don't really like most celebrity blogs as I find they are just another outlet for publicity and pulling the PR strings. That being said, Matt Good actually has a great blog that shows a large sum of intelligence, humour and compassion. I've been reading it for ages and it's a good read.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Like when people drive drunk.
Right now at this time of year there is no excuse. In fact, I'm gonna come right out and say there's no excuse at any time of the year to get behind the wheel intoxicated. You might as well have a loaded gun with the safety off in a room full of people. But with car driving services based soley on donation, extra taxis and sober and willing friends it's a testament to selfish behaviour at it's finest.
It's arrogant to think you're not going to cause the accident. Cause maybe you won't tonight. But how many people have given statements in handcuffs saying the same to a room full of angry lovers and families. You're no different. Get off you're goddamned pedestal.
Yes, you may be bigger but alcohol is alcohol and if you drink too much, then congratufuckinglations. You're then drunk. You will not sober up in twenty minutes with a glass of water. You know better than that and if you don't you're ignorant as well as selfish.
How many people have to die or get hurt from the actions of others. And what pisses me off the most is that it's completely avoidable and preventable. You're stubborn, so you drive. You feel fine, so you drive. Pretty much you don't care if you hurt yourself or others, so you drive.
You're a 'good drunk driver'? I ought to slap you across the face for spouting such vile words.
I have seen the consequences of drunk driving at it's finest. A friend who took her last breaths while a driver swore he didn't see her there and thought the bump was a pylon. Guess that's why he backed up twice over her. Going to her funeral when we were supposed to going to the winter prom. Hearing that the man's wife left him and he was on suicide watch while in jail. The cell he was only in for five years.
I have no respect for the people that decide. Willingly, decide to do this. I can't and I won't. I won't be a part of this anymore. This game where we both pretend you're not drunk and I'm supposed to look the other way. No throwing in my towl and I'm done.
I don't care if you hate me. I'd rather you hate me than kill someone else. So in the future I will be the one dialing the police's number if you grab your keys. I will be the one to announce that you're drunk to anyone who will listen. I will not drink with you if driving is involved and I will not accept bullshit excuses that sound like an adolescent trying to get out of curfew.
If you act like a spoiled child, I will treat you as one.
Because I love my friends. And I choose not to lose any more to drunk driving, even if it is their own.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
I'm talking bout the Staff Christmas parties.
After the last staff get together I'm going to try to learn my lesson and present myself as a classy business woman who can hold her alcohol in the presence of others at workplace functions...
.... or not.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
1.) Like most women and some men I want to have sexytime with Edward Cullen.(Twilight) NOT Robert Pattinsen or whatever his name is. Nope, poop on him. It's the dead guy I want to have sex with. Kinda creepy being that he's a teenager, but I figure that he's a lot older than me in vampire years so it all balances out. And even creepier with the fact that my concern is with his age. Not the fact that he's, you know. Dead.
2.) I love Britney's music and remember tying up my shirts and singing along to 'Baby One More Time' and getting my belly button pierced after she got hers done. She is my music video sexpot. That being said, how does anyone else not see that she still has crazy in her eyes. Like super crazy. It's just being carefully smothered by a sea of publicists and management with vice grips, puppet strings and a constant supply of Starbucks and Ativan. I'm telling you love her or not she's still eyeballin the pink wig and practicing her British accent into a hairbrush. Mark my words.
4.) I want to go to a T.I. concert so he can sign my boobs and talk about sex that's wet and nice. As apposed to the sandpaper sex that's nice.
3.) Does anyone else find Hilary Duff's new attempt of sexy music videos much in the same vein as watching your little sister dress up in heels and lipstick shaking what isn't there to old Madonna music videos? Yeah.
Random Life Updates
1.) If diet coke had a penis and similar life goals, I would marry it.
2.) Meet my new handbag, Claudia. I love her. Whoever says material items can't bring you happiness obviously doesn't have the same bag.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Do send an email to him stating your feelings about the break up knowing he may or may not answer it. It doesn't have to resort to namecalling or bashing, just a simple email that will clarify what was not dealt with accordingly during the relationship. It doesn't matter if he reads it, this is for your benefit. It's your closure, not his.
Don't keep checking his facebook/your phone for texts. They are not coming and his status will not change to address that "Meghan I made a huge mistake and I'm an asshole with some deeprooted communication problems and I'm sorry." It's not going to happen. If alll else delete him so you will stop question who the women are that are added. He is their problem now, not yours.
Do sell the stuff that he will not claim from your house on Ebay and buy yourself something nice with the profits. The batman costume will bring other people joy and burning it is just going to make your place smelly.
Do change your locks if he 'lost' or will not give back your housekeys. A 15$ charge and angry talk with your landlord is worth the cost of waking up everynight wondering if someone is hovering over you or looking to boil your cat.
Don't go hook up with someone to try to feel better about yourself cause you're feeling chock full of fug right now. It's not going to validate you or make you any better to use this person as a sounding board for your esteem. You're using someone as a masturbation tool and you will feel icky afterwards. I know this from past experience.
Do go out and get drunk but not within 3 days of the actual break up. At that point you're far too vulnerable and likely to drunk-cry, drunk-dial, drunk-rebound, or drunkedy drunk drunk trainwreck. Wait, collect your thought, then dive into the bottle of tequila and enjoy!
Don't feel like you have to be strong all the time. It's okay to cry. It's okay to miss him and feel sad about the good times that you had together. It's okay to look back with nostalgia. It's alright to smell the shirt he left that smells like him and feel sad cause you know it's gone. It's okay to have manic fits of anger where you want to kick him and claw at him and make him understand how much he's hurt you. It's okay to feel the sudden and sharp pain of someone being plucked from your routine. It's okay to miss the in jokes and not have a shelf life for how long you're supposed to mourn. It's alright cause you know at the end of the day you still believe in love and this has knocked you down but the bruises will heal while his scars are just rising to the surface.
and DO realize that this chapter has ended. But the story is far from over, and look forward to turning the page.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
We broke up today.* Via text message. Makes the post it note break up look classy. It had been coming for longer than I wanted to admit. When I'm in a relationship I give it everything I got, no holds barred. Not to say I don't enter with caution and look both ways but I'm not someone who will hold you at arms length when we've crossed that bridge.
I'd like to give you specifics as to why but I am trying to grasp it myself. Cheating? Perhaps. Need for space? Definately. But after four months to suddenly deny any and all contact one day-block my number and cease all forms of communication. Ouch. To text me that "I lost your keys. Keep my stuff. I don't want to hear from you."
I wish I had done something wrong so I could at least tell people that I fucked it up. Intead I'm left feeling like I am being punished for a fuck up that I do not know I committed. He wants nothing to do with me. After I asked why he was pulling away from me. Like I'm not supposed to notice the time we spend together is time he choose, which is limited.Like I'm not supposed to question any subject he finds uncomfortable cause that will lead to him ignoring me for no less than two days. Like it's not humiliating to admit your boyfriend doesn't find you attractive, sexually. Yeah, ask me my feelings of self worth right now.
Four months spent rationalizing why he would not change his facebook status to single. Four months not questioning the random girls that are added to facebook as it irritates him. Four months spent where I gave it my everything and he did not and that's why today I sit here crying on my couch while he wipes his hands clean. He had nothing invested but material items which he is happy to rid himself of.
I feel like a failure, whether it is me or not. The point is I had a relationship and gave it my all....and it failed. It didn't last six months. It's hard not to take it personally. But when the dust is cleared and my eyes are dry I will pick myself up and start over. But for today, it hurts. And t hurts a lot.
*Yes I am blogging about my breakup and it is tacky as hell. Breakups much like relationships are personal(and therefore not my usual blog foddler) and I'm showing no respect towards the relationship through posting which makes me no better. But he does not read my blog nor do his friend. It's a outlet which is not going to name him, call him names, or anything like that. I'm not blasting him to his face. I'm not blasting him to his friends. I'm not creating havoc on facebook as I am trying to be the bigger person while he is hurling insults without cause so this is my outlet and if it lowers me, so be it.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
But the barometre still is far from warm and yet the skirts continue to get shorter and the tops smaller. I'm not one to talk as I had a sexy Robin costume to go with my man's Batman, but at what point is the bar stretched a little too far? Sexy nuse? Hell yeah. Sexy pirate? Harrrdly wrong? But sexy ghostbuster? Sexy Hermoine? Sexy ladybug?
I say if we're going to push, fly over and bastardize the bar the lets just keep on going and not look in the rearview mirror. Hence some of the costumes I have come up with...
Sexy sanitization worker.
(Your garbage can or mine?)
Sexy resident care attendant.
(You'll never look at a catheter bag the same again)
Sexy meat grinder.
(mmmm, fresh meat)
Sexy wombat costume.
(Help repopulate an endangered species)
The list can keep going on and on, but you get the hint.Think about it. But know I patented these costumes first ;)
Friday, October 24, 2008
I'm dating someone. Have been since the summer. A man that makes me want to be a better person and strive for more. A man who is so unbelievably intelligent and caring that every day I'm in shock that he has chosen me. He can make me laugh, and learn and love. I trust him. I respect him. It could blow up in my face tomorrow, and yet it would still all be worth it. Did I mention we're going as Batman (him) and Robin (me) for Halloween? Yeah, we're THAT cute.
I voted conservative in the election. That does not make me a bad person, a capitalist, uneducated or a right winger. I still consider myself liberal in standpoint and am proud. I did not choose a party that I feel will give money to the wealth, or is the equivalent of the republican party for the states. I read the platforms, I educated myself and I voted for who I think can lead this country through tough times. Get over it.
This is a tough time economically...and yet it doesn't seem it as I'm still broke as hell. Seriously, with the recession I'm still struggling to pay off debt at the same rate, still blowing money at the same rate and still wondering when I'm gonna be able to start living life rather than paying for it.
I'm 95% certain that I'm going to just ground my car for the winter. 4 months of a parked car (it's not a winter car) means 4 months where I am less likely to get into a car accident, can pay off debt faster and not scrape my windows and curse that I don't have remote starter. It's not a bad idea...but then again it could change when snow starts to fly and I'm out at the bus stop.
I'm currently entering a time in my life where I feel transition coming. I feel an unease during the summer and realized that I wasn't content with my party girl lifestyle and have been slowly shifting. That's not to say I don't like to go out for a social bevvie or three with friends and that I'm never gonna trainwreck again. Cause we all know that's damn near impossible. I've been weeding out the people in my life that I find to be negative or have been dragging me down. I have been embracing positive and healthy friendships and relationships. It's a weight lifted off my shoulder.
Oh, and my cat is still playing in her damn litter. That's about it :)
Monday, August 18, 2008
Let me explain.
The last month or so of writing has changed and what was once was most therapeutic and enjoyable hobby I've ever had has become something I dread the most. Although blogging since 2003 on a variety of formats, in the last two years it became more than a way to keep old friends up to date, and a way of entertaining college friends, it became therapy. Diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in 2006, blogging has gotten me through some of the roughest patches of worry, allowing an outlet for my stress, a place to be silly, to be honest and most of all to be me.
For years I did not have a readership and didn't even know about blog networks or sitemeter. In hindsight I realized that I had a broader audience than the two or three people known to read but it was not something to think about. I did not censor myself, draw attention to myself or anything more. I just was.
Over the last year since joining a blogger network something wonderful has happened. My readership has openly grown and an added sitemeter (which I hardly know how to use) shows that my blog is read daily around the world. It has given me the same chills I had when people would openly recognize me on the streets as my college newspapers sex columnist. Suddenly my eyes are open to a world full of amazing writers and I soak up their stories; funny, offensive, heartfelt. I feel as if I know some of you and would be lying if I haven't started sentances in my day to day life with, "Oh, my blogger friend______ had a story about that!"
But something else has slowly changed, bettering my writing at first but then affecting the person clacking on the keyboard. I started writing for an audience rather than myself. And then the insecurity blanket I know all too well has wrapped itself around me. I have always had insecurities after four years of going to university for journalism proved I'm anything but a writer. Which is why I have always loved blogging. It wasn't me wanting to be a writer, it's just me writing. Big difference, trust me.
But now I feel I have to hit a certain bar to entertain, and it's leading to a level of anxiety and dread that started my consistent writing in the first place. It's no longer about saying who I am, it's a race to get the most comments. Comments have become my validation, and if twenty people comment, twenty five is even better. It's a self imposed popularity contest with myself I cannot win. I feel I have to be generic to cater to the masses, and heartfelt enough to be more. A character of fun trainwrecking partygirl, suddenly a one dimensional sitcom star. At some point I stopped being me and started being the version of me I want others to see. Still completely honest, but with shinier facets.
It had occured to me that the continuation of this is the equivalent of walking a tightrope of razorblades with insecurity and narciccism on either side. I cannot win. I still love that people read and comment on my blog and am not trying to deter that or be ungrateful. It is more flattering than you know and I am not trying to sound like a whiney brat. I'm just realizing that I need to step back and make it about the writing, not the audience.
Which is why it's time to step back and gain some clarity as to what I want out of my blog and decide if I want to pursue it further. I want to gain back the love for blogging I had in the first place-telling the world a little bit about me, and learning more from others. I can honesly say I still read everyone's blog consistently and learn something new everyday and I'm not going anywhere. I just need a break. It may be a week, it may be a month but I will be back with more to give than I have been for the last while.
"Writers write to influence their readers , their preachers, their auditors, but always, at the bottom to be more themselves." Aldous Huxley, English novelist and Critic
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
This is people starting to fill the field for Metric on Friday. Dusty, with a gorgeous background of the mountains!
A shot of the crowd from the stage at night (note this is one of the four main stages)
The Bacardi B151 Tent, which was pitch black all day long and made you feel like you weren't in a festival complete with 4 full bars with rain showers behind, 6 beds to lay on, many loungers in the sun, 2 vip stages with couches and more.
The Tragically Hip-Best Canadian Band Ever.
He may not have come back to my tent for some love making, but he did sing a song about wanting to Fuck Me Like an Animal.
Hizzo and I are tight after P-fest. He gave us a shout out. We gave him a shout out. You know how it goes.
I don't want to alarm anyone but I think Tom may have been "on the pot".
That's it for now, but a full recap to come soon...
Monday, July 21, 2008
Sorry, I'm just a little bit excited. At this time Thursday midday I'm going to be basking in the sweet sweet sexy music of Pemberton MusicFest. Ticks were bought months ago (courtesy of my bestest wife/friend Leanne as a birfday gift)and excitment has sloooooooowly been growing, but it struck me yesterday like a ton of bricks.
It's almost time! It's really here. And now muchlike Christmas I can't sleep? So much to do, so much to pack, where do start?
Well first off I'll start by telling you some of the great bands I'm going to see between Friday to Monday.
- Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
- Nine Inch Nails
- Serj Tankien (Lead singer of System of a Down)
- Sam Roberts
- Tragically Hip
- Death Cab for Cutie
- The Flaming Lips
- DJ Shadow and Cut Chemist
Yeah, are you jealous yet? You should be. That's only a snippet of over one hundred bands playing music over five days at the largest Canadian Music festival ever set to date. Forty thousand people tenting near the little town of Pemberton one hour north of beautiful Whistler, B.C. (home of the 2010 Olympics).
This is my first time camping for more than 12 hours or partaking of a festival of this size and to say I'm stoked in the understatement of the century. So much to do and so little time, and work just keeps piling up.and none of my questions come with premade answers...
Can I survive off beer and veggie burgers for five days straight?
Will either Pharell or Trent R. want to come back to my tent wth the promise of sweet lovemaking under solar panels and a gatorade popsicle?
Can I bring walkie talkies back in style?
Is beer or a ceasar a more appropriate drnk for a hangover?
Can a hair straightener be plugged into a car battery?
Will find a guest blogger by Wednesday night?
Will my pale skin finally get the tan it wants, or the pink it knows?
Wll there be any students there and how much do have to pay them to not tell the stories of their half naked drunkass instructor?
How will I survive without facebook/blogging for almost a week?
Is t inappropriate at 28 to wear a cowboy hat and throw out the devils sign during concerts?
If Gwenyth is there with Chris, think she'll share her tips on how her hair is so goddamed shiny all the time?
When Jay-Z realized just how awesome I am at rapping back '99 problems, do you think he'll invite me on stage for a mash-up?
I still have so much to do but all can do is bounce around rockng out to Freefalling n my underwear.....so pretty much the same as I'll be doing in four days!
What you can expect, when I'm "with the band"
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
"She was going so fast. There's no way someone could have survived that."
"Look for someone down the embankment, they could have been thrown."
Those were the words I woke up to one year ago. I knew I had just been in an accident, a horrible accident. As I layed, pinned against the steering wheel upside down it all started coming back to me. But before I could reflect on the eighty seconds that changed me forever, I had to address the immediate.
There was gas leaking and I needed to get out. So with a body bruised and pummeled by sheets of metal and exploding glass I had no choice but to break free and slide my body over the layers of jagged glass leading to the ground. Adrenaline and shock kicked in making the cuts and tears from glass virtually painfree and unnoticed, adding to the layers of glass deeply protruding leaving permanent scars and ribbons of cuts still with me to date.
The rest was a blur, I didn't notice my shirt was off. A firstaider covered me. The ambulance took so long and the shock grew deeper. I could tell it was probable I would lose consciousness again so I started rattling off information that could be pertinent for strangers who had just witnessed a car roll across four lanes of highway into oncoming traffic before skidding on its roof to hit a rock embankment.
"My name is Meghan. I'm 27. I'm hypoglycemic and allergic to penicillin and sulfurics. My parents cell phone number is in my phone under Parents. Call them. I'm currently not taking any medication."
The ambulance came. I looked at the crumpled remains of the car I loved so much. My first car. My graduation present. Now a twisted piece of sheet metal, a skeleton of itself. It was gone. I looked at my body. Streaks of gravel, broken teeth, obvious concussion, torn muscles. Pavement where skin should be and tears staining a face covered in glass and oil. But I was still here. I was lucky.
" I don't know if I believe in angels. I don't know if I believe in God. But I think there's someone out there that didn't want you to die tonight. I've been to dozens of accidents that weren't as bad as this where the people didn't walk away. You shouldn't have walked away. But you did. You're lucky."
The cop who witnessed it all said. He was saying it to be kind but also to be truthful. I was getting charged while still bandaged and in pain. He was nice and gave minimal charges despite my truthfulness.
"Yes, I was speeding. Excessively. Yes, I was smoking. Yes I looked away from the road, but only for a minute...and I lost control."
It only took a second, a split second and everything changed. If I had killed someone I would have been charged with manslaughter he said. I would have deserved it. I felt I deserved more punishment for all the pain I caused. My family who had to get a phone call informing them their daughter was involved in a serious motor vehicle accident. The friends who had to see me in the hospital, their gasps audible as I was wheeled through the ER a mass of IV bags and braces. My brother who had to search hospitals to find me. The people who found out by hearing it on the news. The staff who was accomodating to the months of physiotherapy and doctors appointments that followed.
One year later and I'm still so affected. Just as how at age fourteen I vowed to never drink and drive after having a friend killed by a drunk driver, I have been affected by speed. The flashbacks and nightmares that followed for months. Knowing if I had rolled one more time......if the truck had been ten feet closer.....the cowboy hat that saved my head from the crushed roof.....the oversized sunglasses saving my eyes from the splinters of glass.........The depression. The fear. The embarrassment. I am just now slowly starting to drive on the highways again, and it is terrifying but I know I must do it. I will conquer it.
At age twenty seven I was faced with my own mortality, in a brief moment that I cannot ever describe in words. It changed everything. I heard today of possibly two other accidents that have happened in the Okanagan within the last twenty four hours. Likely relating to speed. One with fatalities.
The need for speed isn't all about hotshot punkass shits with souped up Civics street racing that kills. It's the people that want to make the long weekend traffic that much faster, get to the camping spot, the festival, the relativies. It's anyone. It's me. I need the adrenaline rush. But now I also respect my mortality and that of others.
And with the streaks of tears back on my face as the floodgates have reopened, I wear my scars proud rather than ashamed. I survived my own stupidity and that's my daily reminder. I don't need the speed to feel alive, I feel alive by slowing down and respecting my life and others around me.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Of course with trying to get pill dosage right, a fun little rendevous with the morning after pill about 5 weeks ago and my normal crazyasaloon mood swings, right now to say I've been emotionally charged lately is an understatement.
This is not boding well in trying to convince my one guy friend that all redheads are NOT indeed insane.
But rather than continually feel guilty for the raw nerve endings of my psyche I'm starting to see the actual Benefits of it. Right now through my manic highs of snorting laughter and lows of offended tears I'm seeing that I am Aware of my emotions more right now than I have been in a long time. It's scary and real.
I crave food right now with the salivation of a pregnant woman.
I want kisses that are salty with passion, not bitter from booze.
I hurt when people say rude things rather than brushing it off.
I appreciate the many things people do for me, which don't come with enough thank yous.
I enjoy the new friendships I have been making and growing from.
I lust for a sense of balance between the adult I am and the immature girl that reflects back.
I hope to look better than my exboyfriends shiny new girlfriend at the dinner party Saturday.
I'm happy he's happy, but just unhappy it was so soon afterwards.
I wish people would take me more seriously. Doing stupid things doesn't make me a stupid person.
I rage when people are careless with feelings.
I hesitate to accept casual sex as substitute over substance.
I absorb stories from others, like sunshine on my face.
I speak advice I can only wish to follow myself, someday.
I care too much about the little stuff while knowing in the end the big picture will work out.
I envy people with families right now. At 28 it finally struck me...Wives. Husbands. Children. As it brings purpose that my lifestyle is too selfish and insula rto permit.
I miss a sense of belonging at work.
I love me, flaws and all.
I hate that I have to remind myself of that.
If anything this time period has allowed a sense of emotional freedom and catharsis, not wanted but expected and appreciated. A hormonal imbalance that can create a sense of chaos and inner confusion at times that make me wonder if I could be tiptoeing towards a breakdown of sorts, but with it also brings a clarity and empowerful of appreciating all the deeprooted feelings you push aside during your day because you're too busy with stuff.
What are you feeling?
Monday, July 7, 2008
I didn't plan on a bachelor party staying in our motel all weekend. With twenty hot guys between 26-29. (Dear diary, jackpot.) I didn't plan on drinking from 2pm til 4am straight. I sure as hell didn't think that the lake would be warm enough to swim in at 3am. Or that I would manage to slide down the slide into the lake without spilling my beer.
I didn't think I'd make out with a guy three hours after I slapped him out for suggesting such atrocity. The nerve. And that I'd almost get kicked out of the strippers for taking pictures. Not even of the strippers but the groom to be all pretty in his dress and makeup.
I sure didn't think his friends would ditch him to try to coug' it up so my partner in crime (Leanne) and I would be the ones to take him home and put him to bed. Or that the motel manager would be there when I tried to break into the hotel pool. Sans clothes.
It was just surreal to take pictures with Elvis at some point, break my phone for the millionth time, become friends with guys named Samantha, the Greganator, Farva and the hot waitress. Or that I'd be drunk til 10am. And have barely enough time to go for breakkie (Dennys-breakkie of champions) with my friend and his kids. It's very hard to not swear in front of children whilst hungover. Very hard.
I didn't think it would be one of the best weekends I've had in a long time, but it was and that's what makes those road trips so awesome. When there's no plans and just the want to have some fun in the sun. I'd post pics but already know the rules of the bach party are to not do that so will refrain.
Oh and I wonder if management was able to get the sandcastle worth of sand out of the bed. Don't ask.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
But no, as yesterday was my birthday I think I'll celebrate 28 by embracing the maturity of age and descent into 30 with some wisdom and sage advice from one blogger to another. Let me give guidance and insight to those younger bloggers out there so they can learn from the many mistakes I make, over and over.
Then I thought, fuck it. Pictures will give the same message. *
Because growing older means becoming resourceful.
Now would be a good time for any delurkers to give me the present of coming out for birthday wishes :) Have a great day.
*This pic is from a couple years back. I did not celebrate my birthday by peeing in a male urinal. It was a low key dinner with a couple drinks, that's all. 28 was supachill.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
An office where work gets done, and although jokes happen amongst the staff they are not frequent nor appreciated by a lot of people. It's a place filled with soccer mom's and almost retire-ees.
So since it was one of the first (exciting) times for me to go to a regional office get together on Friday, you're going to have to fill me in on a few things.
Is it couture to discuss getting a pap smear from a guy that looks like Santa? And how it's the best grooming look to have a landing strip for the occasion?
People like it when you show your trick of shoving a drink down your shirt and drinking it right? And offer to show the leg behind the head trick.
Office mates love it when you discuss your joke "O" face and show it to them. It involves crossed eyes and me tongue sticking out. And declaring it dead sexy.
It's a good thing to talk about stories about streaking and how you've been known to "inhale" on occasions. And tell stories of getting high on 'shrooms back in the day. And how it's been a long time since you've gotten laid.
Cause if so, I wowed them Friday. If not, it's time to start drinking water at office functions.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Then again I'm not a writer so, let me rephrase that. Doncha hate it when you have self commentary/editotial block? Better.
I don't have the words in my mental thesausus to post about the events in my day to day life- drinking, dancing, my newfoundlove for golf. Almost rolling a golf cart on Saturday. Stupid hills.
I'd write about work but considering it has to do with a lot of stat reports lately I'd also have to mail pens to every person who reads this so you could jab yourself in the eye. And that would take a lot of stolen office stamps.
I don't have any witty stories to share. None that come to mind. Well I can alwayd tell some of the absurd stories of my life, but they make people go wtf more than anything. Ex "Remember that stalker I had when 21, I wonder what ever happened to him?" "Do you remember that pregnant roomate we had that only ate crackers and talked in a babyvoice?" "Remember that time we accidentally got alcohol banned from our Uni program for an entire year. Man, I think that pissed people off."
Yeah, I got nothing.
Actually, that's a lie. I have pictures of my cat. And if I think she's cute, so will you. But I'm saving those for another day.
I could tell witty stories about my love life, but really if I haven't made up stuff to date, why start now. I'll just say I'm going through a dry spell in all senses and leave it at that.
I could write a cute list of things I like/dislike right now but even that seems boring. I still like pirates and dance offs. I hate mosquitos and golf courses that don't have the beer people that come around.
I could blog about upcoming weekend plans....trips down the river, my birthday, Canada Day, 10 year grad reunion, being females going to a bachelor party, trips to the Okanagan, possible roadtrip drinking with coworkers, Pemberton music festival, Revelstoke baseball tournament, PNE amusement park in Vancouver. My summer is booked! But none of these have happened yet, so there's really nothing to post.
I could give a shout out to all the great blogs I have been reading lately but there's too many to pimp so I'll save that for another day as well.
So instead I'll cop out and throw out another "Ask Meghan Anything" platform and let that decide the next post. Cause right now I feel like Homer S. writing a food article and all I gots to say is Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Nap when they should be blogging.
Blog when they should be working.
Watch tv or read when they should be cleaning.
Clean when they should be sleeping because they can't sleep due to napping.
Live off crap food cause they're too busy reading blogs to make something or buy the groceries to make something healthy and yummy.
Feel tired all the time due to possible lack of nutrients and from all the napping. And the staying up cleaning.
Feel broke all the time despite working and seemingly never buying anything (certainly not groceries).
Have tons of clutter and crap (books/clothes/stuff) despite beong broke. Which needs constant cleaning or it'll look messy.
But you can't clean. Cause you're either at work blogging, or at home napping. Or you get tired of living off olives and tatertots and make your way to the grocery store.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
1.) To get my car. Here. In one piece....and I present to you.....
My new boyfriend. His name is Buzz, after Buzz Lightyear (Toy Story) because the fact that it's an Infiniti makes me think of "to infinity and beyond!" This is my third car in less than a year, so I'm hoping to keep this one for awhile.
2.) For my mommy to have an awesome day. She has. She went shopping, didn't cook and was all around appreciated forher fabulousness. I adore and love my mom and the fact that my parents live so far away bums me out sometimes but I was able to see them this weekend and so that was happiness.
3.) Superpowers. Like flying or xray vision (and yes, I'd use it to my advantage to be a creeper) or the ability to know all answers for rock trivia no matter how loaded I am.
And you thought I was gonna wish for a million more wishes or world peace...
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
Anyhooooow. They rock at making me not feel like I have water in my ear, and I dig that. Just like the throat that no longer burns of sweet sweet hellfire. But have been noticing that ever since starting these pills I have occured some of the more messed up dreams I've had in quite some time. Observe...
Night 1) My parent arrive with my car* and I'm hella stoked after being carless for seven weeks. But it's not neccesarily the car they promised. In fact rather than showing up in an Infiniti J83 they show up in a 1980's minivan with Infinity spraypainted on the back. I balk that this is my new set of wheels. They get huffy and call me upgrateful. I'm in the mountains and there's a blizzard so I do what anyone would do. Take a nap in the spacious backseat and hope things work themselves out.
Night 2) I have sex with a fellow blogger. In a confession booth. In a mall. With people watching.
Night 3) I'm in a setting that in very horror movie-esque. Such as 2 killers trying to kill me in an institutional building where I keep having to run and find places to hide. There's even the cheeseball part where there's a morgue and I hide under the bedsheet like another body to avoid imminent stabbing to the face.* Somehow I find a secret passageway to a whole other section of the building which is safe from the killers. And I go to the cafeteria and pay 17 dollars for a fajita and am choked at the price. I also notice my ex boyfriend sitting at the cafeteria and I look like ass from all the running and sweating. I debate going back to serial killer ville. Instead I stay and eat and pretend to ignore him.
* The car arrives next Saturday!
* Even though there's a morgue in the building this isn't a hospital
Now lets see what tonight brings...
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
But this time is different.
I don't know who reads my blog and to bring the story to light means leaving myself vulnerable in every sense of the word. But really when talking about sexual assault there is no other word that could be as applicable as vulnerability.
I write it NOT to have other people feel sorry for me. I have dealt with my past and any lingering issues have blended with others. I write it because I PERSONALLY know at least three other women with the same or a similar story. How many countless others are there with a similar tale they will never tell. Fuck that. It's time to come forward.
April is sexual assault awareness month and the reason I decided the story should come to light. Almost ten years later it took every ounce of strength to post this. The story of 'my first time' is not one of strong sexual assault but pressure. That is not to say I have not been AFFECTED by assault. I have been grabbed, prodded, pulled and touched long after I have said NO. I have waken up with a used condom next to the bed only to find the hand leading me into the room was a sober friend. I have felt dirty, and used, and been degraded enough to go back for more. But I have changed. I AM DIFFERENT. I refuse to be a victim, simply a person with a story. Don't read on if you do not want to.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
I knew at one point or another I’d write a post about virginity since all blog roads lead to sex.
I knew that when it came time to writing my post I’d tell a story the way it’s supposed to be told. It was my first serious long term relationship and although we had not been together long I felt it was love. It WAS, in fact love. Young and innocent love, but love nevertheless. And I decided that I had waited long enough and at twenty I would lose my virginity to him.
It was New Years Eve and we had spent the night socializing with his friends. We danced in the snow with only the lights of his cars and had dinner with his family. It was one of the happiest nights of my life and I remember it like it was yesterday. We drank champagne and toasted to the year to come. We laughed and bonded all night and while I kept looking at him knowing I was the luckiest woman in the room, he was doing the same. We left and went home. It was a magical night and one I will always look back on fondly. The rest is personal other than saying that to say ‘I love you’ while looking into someone’s eyes while making love is an experience words cannot describe.
But that’s not how it happened. That’s just the story I tell people.
Don’t get me wrong, that really did happen and it was beautiful. But I actually lost my virginity over a year earlier. I just havem't made it public to most people, until now.
I was working in an atmosphere surrounded by men. It was the summer I had turned 19. I was a late bloomer into the world of sexual prowess and was just then starting to understand the power. I had finally filled out my figure and knew how to bat my eyelashes and play coy. It was lethal to let me loose in a living situation that had the ratio of guys to girls of 20:1. Through innuendo and tight shirts I suddenly had the upper hand in situations. Everything was an experiment in flirtation.
He was much older than me. I didn’t know how much older as I’ve never been a good gauge of age but I knew he had to be at least 30. He knew my parents through the industry, had known them for quite some time actually. It was taboo, and the attraction was instant.
While my flirting and teasing didn’t discriminate that summer I felt sexual energy in the air between us and k new it could be acted upon. And it did, on my nineteenth birthday to be exact. I had been playing baseball with all the guys and went back for a friendly drink with all the boys. They made a point of making it special for my birthday in a remote area. Everyone went to bed and I followed him to his room to watch a movie. I knew what I was doing.
We watched ‘Indecent Proposal’ and only years later would I get the irony. He kissed me and I instantly felt nervous and knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. Excitement and dread were woven throughout my conscious. My sexual experiences to date had been limited to two separate make out sessions and an ‘everything but’ situation. Clothing came off. Then the confession of virginity. He was shocked. As he got out the condom I admitted it was a bad idea and maybe we shouldn’t continue.
Then he kept going.
I said I was scared. He said people are going to think we did anyways, so we might as well... He said he would tell people we did anyways, so I might as well. He wouldn’t let me leave. It was a string of lame lines. But it worked. Shame and guilt are interesting pickup lines. I cried the entire time and he pretended not to notice. Or he didn’t care. But I was too scared to say no. I just closed my eyes and tried not to flinch with the pain. He could tell I didn’t want to go on, but he didn’t stop. Finally I found the words that were clinging to the back of my throat .
He finally did with much trepidation and annoyance. He word stung “it would have been nice to finish”. He said he was a nice guy for not finishing and laughed at my inexperience. He said I was a cocktease. I later found out he was in his mid/later thirties with a partner and they had a child. He ushered me out the door soon after, all the while I was shaking like a leaf. I tried to sleep and forget that it happened but it was too late. The damage was done.
The next day I called in sick to work because I couldn’t bear to look others in the eye. Its like their eyes would permeate through my secret. The rest of the summer I saw him flirt with women even younger than I was. He looked at them the same way he looked at me and it made me wonder if he had got to them yet. It made me feel sick and ashamed. Disgusted with myself, not him.
I haven’t told anyone cause I’ve been ashamed. I was attracted to him and I wanted him to want me. I just didn’t think it would go that far. I wouldn’t call it assault, but it was far from the situation I had hoped for. I was pressured. I was ignored. I was ridiculed. I was a dirty secret. So when over a year later I found my first love and we had that special night I clung to the memory. THAT’S the way it should have happened.
It was a horrible experience and I feel he took advantage of my inability to say NO. But from that point forward I made a choice that I would NOT be guilted nor shamed into sex ever again. I have held this ground. I have made sexual decisions, both for the better or worse, but they have been MY choices. Without pressure. Without having troubles facing myself in the mirror. And that’s a story worth telling.
I will NOT be ashamed by the reflection in the mirror anymore.