Thursday, December 31, 2009

2009

Whereas I keep seeing posts and facebook statuses kicking 2009 to the curb and slamming the door it its face, I can't do the same. It's not that I'm clinging to 2009 as I'm not I just don't have any bad feelings for the year. You see, 2009 was the year that things started to come together.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm still awkward and say the wrong things and have no concept of fashion or home decoration and I don't see any of those things drastically changing when the clock strikes twelve. And the last year has had its moments of kicking my ass; food poisoning times three, the Hiney flu, trips gone awry and fights with friends that were painful not proactive. Lonely nights and questioning finances and career aspirations are subject matters that have all nibbled at my achilles heel over the last twelve months.

But somehow last year on this day I was looking forward to the year because it was going to be what I made of it. For one of the first times since I started my twenties I sat down and asked myself what I really wanted. Not for dinner, or to wear to a party, but out of life. The heavy stuff. Fresh from a breakup and still licking my wounds, I vowed to start over and to start fresh. And so I did.

Most of the changes have been small but they have been there. The old me would have not jumped on a plane to another country for a vacation as it would be deemed too irrational and luxurious. The old me would have found another way to cancel plans of jumping out of a plane. The old me would still be telling herself that anxiety disorder is just another thing to deal with by yourself since noone will ever understand it. The old me would have quit blogging when push come to shove, and been embarrassed about her awkwardness. The old me would have told you how much she knew about life and waxed poetics about it rather than realizing just how much she has left to learn.

Don't get me wrong, on the surface most of these changes are minimal and internal but they are there, and I don't see it stopping in 2010. I don't think that when the champagne toasts are over and the the ball has dropped, I'm going to be miraculously a better person. I'm not going to suddenly start going to the gym just so I can pat myself on the back for sticking to a goal. I'm just going to smile, give air kisses and slowly and surely keeping working on my list for 2010.

2010 doesn't need to be better than 2009 and I don't have any false illusions that by the grace of God, I'm suddenly going to fall in love or have things tie up in a neat package with a bow. My credit card balances will still not be at zero. I still don't have a plan for retirement and I'm never gonna bake that perfect cake. But with an open mind and an empty heart I'm ready for 2010 and all it brings.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Top Ten Most Awkward Blog Posts




Also known as the top ten reasons you should go here and vote for me for Most Awkward Blogger at this years 20SB Bootlegger Awards. Not because I'm popular (hint: I'm not) or not because I have worthwhile things to say (hint: I don't) but because if there's one things I can be recognized for it being a trainwreck chugging along on good intentions. Finally all those years of handjobs and mustache rides for all eight thousand members has paid off....wait, what?


10.) Have you taken home someone only to realize they work for the same company? And are six years younger than you? And they have a girlfriend, and even if all you did was pass out everyone now thinks you're the hussy who hooked up with the boss with a girlfriend? I have.


9.) Have you had a tampon taken out by a doctor that looks like Santa Claus? Yep. I have.


8.) Do you own a vibrator that sounds like a car backing up that is powered by a lawnmower engine? I do. His name is Travis.


7.) Have you ever tried to end the perfect date by kissing someone only to miss their face completely? Yup, me again.


6.) Do you have pictures of you peeing in a male urinal at the bar posted on the Internet? Needless to say the career in politics is ruined before it even started.


5.)Have you ever had sex while making a grilled cheese in a Robin costume? I may be awkward, but I do have some skills.


4.) Have you not only admitted to farting in yoga class, but posted about it?


3.) I have admitted on here that I cannot swallow anything. ANYTHING. And yes guys, I am single.


2.) Have you admitted on the internet that you got very publicly dumped via text message? Unfortunately, I have.


1.) Have you caused an entire bar to come to a standstill complete with music stopping because unfortunately you didn't know what the word sodomy meant before you screamed out that you loved it? Yeah. I have to say that was one of my finer moments.


And THE BONUS ROUND: is coming next Thursday with TMI Thursday ;)


So with that in mind, how can I lose with a platform like this? I'm never going to be a great singer or dancer or photographer. But if you want someone to fall off the bed during sex, put their foot in their mouth at a dinner party or puke on your shoes after drinking too much, well I'm that girl. So remember, vote Meghan at this years bootleg awards, because when I win, we all win. Or something like that.


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Merry Christmas Everyone


(Jacked from someone's myspace page who clearly already jacked it off www.someecards.com )

So far this holiday I've found what it's taken to bring out the belated holiday spirit is chilling at the parents place in beautiful Tumbler Ridge, B.C (I make it way too easy to stalk me)eating a shitload of food, watching girly movies and staying away from my parents computer of doom with their dial up internet (the dvd player is powered by a hamster running on a wheel). Since I prob won't be posting again til closer til the New Year, have a great holiday and drink lots of 'nog, hug someone you're close to (but that you know. Don't be creepy.) and spread a little cheer like an Attention Defecit Carebear, m'kay?

Merry Christmas,
Pirate Meghan

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

My Mom Is On Facebook

And for some reason won't add me. Booo. I wonder if it's cause profile pictures like these....

and....these...

oh and can't forget...



And status updates like these....



Meghan L
is wondering if a lapdance will help her get onto Santa's nice list, or if it'll push her farther onto the naughty one.

Meghan L refuses to get sick this week. Germs need to respect that I am a busy woman with no time for their nonsense.

Meghan L thinks Christmas shopping would be far more acceptable if I was allowed to fight through the crowds with a flamethrower and had a constant IV hookup of Ativan. Or Moonshine.

Meghan L has mistletoe on her belt.

Meghan L is dreaming of a white Christmas....white beaches, white swooshing waves, white...

Meghan L isn't on Team Edward or Jacob, she's on Team Jailbait With No Shirts On.

Meghan L declares herself the Director of Caffinated Things. Praise me as your morning savior.

Meghan L is Trixie Firecracker.

Meghan L doesn't take nicely to the term 'Cougar' and prefers 'Dried Up Sex Panther', thankyouverymuch.

Meghan L wants a drink and it's only 9am. New high or new low?

Meghan L has taken to piecing together the night with photographs, text logs and bank transactions.

Meghan L is on her third cup of coffee and tweaking like Lindsay Lohan on a Tuesday night. Chamomile tea will be her downer.

Meghan L would like her order of pasta to come with a side of stretchy pants.

Meghan L
is wondering if getting the H1N1 vaccine if you've had it already is kinda like trying to screw back your virginity.

Meghan L went grocery shopping this eve. Caught a whiff of weed down the snack aisle. Immediately had the urge to add m&m's to the cart. Well played Save On, well played.

Meghan L is going to taking up ballet AND kickboxing. So she can look graceful while kicking your ass.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Bah-Humbug

Remember that time I was all blogging is the best thing in the world and I can't wait to tell you everything about my life on a day to day basis and have so much to say and....*Poof Gone*. Yeah..... that was good times.

It seems this is the anticlimax of Nablopomo, as suddenly I have nothing to share despite there being no lack of foddler so I'll just try to break it down into segments....

*****
Usually I'm that person you wanna shank with a candy cane come December as I piss out christmas cheer. But this year I have none of it. Eggnog and christmas baking isn't bringing it out and I'm still staring at the box of Christmas cards rather than writing in them. Despire planning, not all presents have been purchased, plans are not concrete and so forth. I'm not going to blame commercialism, or the lack of snow as it's more of a feeling of just... meh. The cheer hasn't come yet and I'm not quite sure what's going to jump start it.

*****
Every year for the past handful of years there has been a loose tradition where no matter what the family is upto we all go to my parents place for the holidays. Plain and simple. This year my brother refuses to go due to schoolwork due early in the new year and his new girlfriend has to work christmas eve. This annoys me endlessly. We have never feigned to be that close, but it's the one time of year where we all try to get together and pretend to be a happy suburban family. We eat dinner and open presents and watch movies and chill one week of the year. But my brother can't even feign that this year. I can't say how many years when I was in school that I dragged books home over the holidays to work on essays and readings. And suddenly because after fourteen years of procrastinating, he's decided to go to school and get a job suddenly 'noone knows the stress he's under'. Despite people rearranging their schedules based on his. Despite the fact that everyone around him seems to be able to make it work. He can't do anything that inconvienences him for one week. One fucking week.

*****

The roads are safe once again as I parked my car for the winter (it's a summermobile) and have joined the ranks of those who take public transportation. Yes, public transportation (it only works if you say it outloud with a sneer. try it. like this...)


Sexy, no?

Now as much as we all know public transportation is really just a fancy reminder to get your hep shots and not talk to strangers this week I've actually found there are a couple upsides to it. If you're a young professional and you take the bus, you are by default going to be one of the sharpest dressed on there hands down. Also for all nostalgia of wishing I could go back to my college days I am quickly reminded that I don't miss the 30lb backpacks that came with it. Also if you keep your Ipod on and give people the shifty eyeball, they tend to leave you alone. Ex) Yeah, I'm listening to the Little Mermaid soundtrack; you got a problem with that? Didn't think so. Also it has been helping me not buy so much crap as I don't want to walk to the store just to get a cookie. Usually I am that lazy ass that will drive to the store to pick up ice cream when I crave it, even if it's 11pm at night. Not so easy when you're taking the bus.

*******

This last weekend I knocked off one of the scariest things from my list of 101 things to do in 1001 days. Being that I sang kareoke, all by myself at a pub. How was it, you ask? Somewhere in between William Hung and a cat in heat. But I did it. I sang 'Sweet Caroline' and gave it my all to a crowded pub on a Saturday night and it was terrifying but at least no tomatoes were thrown.

That's about it from Meghanworld, any particular thing that you do to jump start the holiday bandwagon?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Drumroll, Please


Doesn't Jessica look impressed to be helping me out?

I don't know how to do those fancy status shuffles as far as contests go, so instead went the old fashioned way. By harrassing Jessica (the front desk wondergoddess) at work to draw papers from a jar. As you can see it was impartial as I was too busy using the workplace camera to take pictures.

And the winner is.....



At Oh! How Lovely!. Email me yo' address to piratemeghan at hotmail dot com so I can stalk you. I mean send you presents. Thanks to everyone else who entered my first ever giveaway. If I could I'd give each and every one of you lapdances and tequila shots. But lets save that for the 20SB 2010 meetup, okay?