You Can't Always Get What You Want

When I was nineteen I had a friend named Adam. We worked together at the same mine and we spent every break and evening together. He had a crush on me, and I knew it but it was one of those situations where neither of us brought it up. I would go to him with guy problems (not being most sensitive person around) and we would smoke cigarettes (his) and discuss love and life and how much we thought we knew about the world but obviously didn't. He was older, 24 and was one of the sweetest guys I'd ever met. He was smart and non judgemental and worldly. Of course I was interested in the tattooed biker who was playing every girl within 50 metres. Not much has changed sadly as I'm still chasing those boys.


At the end of the summer he took me aside and with a shaking voice told me he had fallen in love with me. I was surprised. I had known he had feelings for me but not to that extent. I'd never even had a guy profess feelings towards me before that point. It was weird. He told me he didn't expect me to feel the same way but just had to say it anyways. I stared with my mouth hanging open on the end of his camp bed. It was his last night and I wouldn't see him in the morning. He kissed me, and we parted way.


Two years later after I had travelled and grown slightly ( but was still full of the arrogance and ignorance of my early twenties) I ended up moving to his home town. I didn't expect to run into him but it wasn't a large city so I was not surprised when I did. He looked the same and I hugged him as if nothing had changed. It felt really nice to see him again as he was someone who was comfortable. We went to the movies together and chatted and caught up and it was just like old times; then he dropped the bomb. He had a girlfriend. It was serious. It was two seconds after he said that when it kicked in- I'm an idiot and I lost my chance to be with him. We tried to maintain a friendship after that but the awkwardness had set in. He was happy and I had to deal with that. I learned a valuable lesson...or not.


Years later I find myself in similar predicaments. Not once or twice but a few times. I had a friend who has been interested for months. I dabbled with the idea but have been too preoccupied with kissing and dating a plethora of men to consider settling down with one. Why have spagetti every day when you can have a buffet. We flirt and everything but I keep it carefree enough that I cannot find myself in any trouble for my behavior as "we're just friends". But then the attention started dwindling. Less phone calls and text messages. They're still there and flirty and fun, but without the same gusto. The spark he had for me was gone and moved elsewhere and I felt sad. I have to admit a part of it was due to the attention and admiration of someone. Selfish as it is, it feels good to have that ego boost in your life. Not enough to feed fuel to the fire of ther attraction, but enough that it makes you feel wanted or at the least attractive. But part of it was more.

Now I know that this is a mind game and I am guilty as charged. It goes hand in hand with the saying how you can't find someone when you're single but when you're taken people flock to you. I'm the person that doesn't realize I want the person until the person is no longer into me. I don't neccesarily think it's "cause I'm a woman" as I've seen many men do this as well. In fact many cheesy 90's teen flicks were based on it. The grass is always greener on the other side is I guess is the point I am making and often we don't realize it until it's too late. I've scolded friends for leading someone on when "all you have to do is say you're not interested and it's that simple". But my own medicine tastes pretty bitter and I'm getting pretty damn tired of taking it. Is there a way to outgrow this behavior or is it just a fact of not always getting what you want.

If flirting is an artform, Facebook is my canvas

Poke.
Poke back?
We hooked up and it was ____________
We dated from ____ to ____ and now ___________
Facebook messages are the new email messages.

Not only is facebooking great for getting in touch with old coworkers, classmates, birthday reminders, and to see who will be at which event to see if you'd like to go, but it's also a great forum for flirting.

Search out the cute boy from that night out (and if you're extra facebook stalky like me) see if you have any mutual friends. Facebook messaging each other when both are online pokes tongue in cheek at msn messaging. The random poke here and there for a giggle. Right now my facebook page is a plethora of men I have dated, am dating, or want to date. Screw lavalife or plenty-of-fish, this way is easier and plus I'm already on it 20 hrs a day anyways. It's great to rekindle flirtations with past boys (why? why do i do that to myself?) and to see a little bit about the guys you are into. Ex) First date "sooo my friend facebook tells me your fav band is...."Why not take advantage of the largest social networking site right now.

I can't help but wonder if others have the same sort of facebook encounters or if I'm just progressive enough to take it to a creepy sexual level.

hello out there?

does anyone read my blog anymore? just curious cause i'm noticing that as i'm starting to get my bloggin mojo back, then comments have gone from flourishing to slim to none. and my friends at sitemeter (which i really don't know how to read) seem to be telling me i have at least 3 readers or more, discluding your mom.

anyone wanna come clean? even attention whores may want a spotlight, but i'll settle for a flashlight of readers....

1+1=?

There's one thing my friends don't know about me. My family sure doesn't. My boyfriends haven't, and my lov-ah's won't. Period. My sexual number.

To me it's not relevant for anyone to know. Sex is personal involving two (or sometimes if you're a kinky bitch...not like me) or more people. I don't tell because of the judgement involved with teling 'the number'. And don't act as if you don't judge as everyone does it. I have.

I remember being virginal and nineteen (yes I was a late bloomer into the sex world) and talking with a coworker. She flippantly mentioned how she had sex with seven people in her life. I gasped audibly as to how someone could have so little self respect as to have more than one or even two partners in their sexual life. I also have associated a thought pattern of judging a person based on the number. Aka "Hi Meghan!" "Hi Anonymous person!" (all you can think about screaming in your head is "they've had sex with 56 people gross!")

I remember when starting to have sex holding a bar to others. Well I may have had ______ partners but this person has had _____. I'll never be as bad as they are!

Wow, I've been a judgemental bitch.

Maybe it's a cop out not telling people my number. My best friends don't know and they won't. It doesn't matter. I have a don't ask don't tell policy when dating. I don't care what a guy's number is. I don't care if it's the second time he's had sex or he's been with an entire swedish cheerleading squad. The point is as long as he is safe, then it doesn't matter. He's with me at that point and it's what counts. The same goes as far as myself. A guy shouldn't care about who I've been with, he should be secure enough to know that I'm with him exclusively and that's what matters.

Also in the same vein of topic, does a number define promiscuity/sluttiness or is that best left elsewhere. Ex.) I have known people that have had a lot of sex with multiple partners I would not consider slutty. And I've met virgins who I have sneered at and found to be sexually deviant. To myself sluttiness is not defined by a number. Promiscuity maybe but not sluttiness. Sluttiness in my definition is having sexual encounters that are disrespectful to yourself or others.

For example a virgin who makes a play for another girl's boyfriend is sluttier in my eyes than someone who is enjoying casual sex and is making their intentions clear to all involved. Cheating, lying, going for someone taken, manipulation are all stronger forms of sluttiness to me than a sexual number.

Not that you're going to know mine....

What's your food for thought on the topic?

Do Over

Do you ever have one of those weeks that starts out shitty and continues to get even shittier?

-death of someone I know, check (suicide is NEVER the answer)

-family problems, check

-cancer diagnosis for someone I'm really close with, check

-friend mad at me, check

-having technical difficulties with another friendship, check

-coming to terms that you may like someone, but now it's too little too late, check

-2 parking tickets, check

-fucking up at work big enough to have to admit to your new boss you fucked up.

-finding out that your insurance renewal is going to cost you roughly a rent cheque monthly, check

I think that we should be able to have one week a year that we can have a "do over" to. This would obviously be mine.

Howling at the Full Moon

It's a full moon tonight. Thank god, cause at least it could explain some of the weirdness that has been happening lately.

*Work place scenarios that scream WTF. Right now when someone comes upto me with a effed up question or scenario rather than giving my best PR face and a "I'll work with you on fixing this" I'm just sighing and getting people to take a number

*Going through my teen stages in my later twenties. What I mean is while everyone else around me is in relationships and seeking more serious solace through members of the opposite sex, my divide is getting stronger. From the time I was twenty to twenty five I was in three of my most serious relationships to date and had the "L" word escape once or twice. Even the dreaded "M" word which is what I wanted more than anything....

Now at twenty seven I'm relishing in making out with different guys. A different guy every weekend. Enough to quench my attention defecit libido without having to worry about syhigonneherpilleas. I flirt, I tease, I taunt and I'm loving it. And what's different than being a tease in my younger years is this time it's guilt free. I'm single and I'm honest about what I'm doing. I'm not being wreckless with people's feelings or breaking hearts and I'm not spreading lies. Why not have some fun. If a cute accent or tattoos or nice set of eyes comes across my path or my bed, who sez I can't have a little fun

*Almost in the same vein of romance I got an add on facebook last week and was surprised by the facebook appearance of my first boyfriend. We were fifteen and too shy to know what we were doing and he moved later that year. We didn't stay in touch but twelve years later suddenly tada, here he is. And he may be moving from Winnepeg to Kelowna aka two hours away. How funnily random.

*I came up with how to get my blogging mojo back. It came in a fit of insomnia as like much of my bad choices/good ideas. One of the last times I had a blast writing was when I was a sex columnist for the Omega. So weekly I am going to start posting about my sexcapades/thoughts/ or lack of both on here. While in full on having fun mode, I might as well cause well if the shoe fits...
That's it for now but expect a good halloween post coming up. And pictures if I can ever learn to work this thing.

Is This Thing Still On?

I'm a douche and have been tooo busy (aka lazy) to blog lately. I'm trying my damdest to get back into bloggety world as I do love writing. But it's the actual doing it that's the problem. Thinking I may revert to

a) blogging when drunk. so that people can try to decipher what "whooooot. thsa sooo much funz, i looooooooooove me beerz. my peopples rocks stuff" means.

b) blogging daily to forcefeed the habit. much akin to forcing myself to not scream at other drivers daily but with better results.

c) If i ever learn to put pictures on here (this is where we all have a chuckle at the fact that I teach college level computer courses) I can skip the writing all together and just make a nice little picture book of my week being that my celly cam is such a clever little moment grabber.

Verdict is out for now so instead you get an overtired highly caffeinated bloggy post.

Updates:

So being that I only work about 50-55 hrs a week at my one job I have decided that's definately not enough time being stressed during the week. So what would add to that?.....Another job! Yes along with being a College Instructor/Student Services Rep (or TILF as lovingly known by Leannimal) I've also partnered with my friend Tony in starting up a business. I want others to join in the venture but sowly but surely will grab others into the cult of Usana. Come on, try the koolaid. Not gonna pimp too much out on this blog post but maybe in more to come. For now check out

www.meghanlo.usana.com

Going to go see Joey's comedy show tonight. Soooo excited. Went and saw Clay's band last weekend and it was pretty nice to try something different on for size. Melissa J. is coming to town. I don't think she's been back here since the Canada Day/birthday festivities. Long overdue. Thinking I am going to go see State of Shock with Jenn next week at CJ's. Should be a grand ol time.

Random question of the day- has anyone been in a car accident, and if so how long was it before you felt comfortable driving? Kind of personal I know but it's been coming up three months now and I still have panic attacks when driving and the thought of going on the highway scares the bejeebers out of me. I've been debating selling the new car and just scootering my way around town, but realize that it's much harder to scream at others on the road effectively when you have no horn. And what about rain? The plus side is I'd pimp out my scooter. Can you get a Louis Vuitton monogrammmed scooter? Or a helmet with Swarovski crystals?

Now while highly caffeinated I'm off to plan out me Hallow's eve costume. Rollergirl or princess...

swoon

I'm 27. And yet there's something to be said about making out with a boy so handsome he makes you blush every time you look him in the eye. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl today and can't help it. Hehehehehe. Hehe. He could have any girl in the world to kiss. And he kissed me. Soooo grade seven and innocent and blissful.

That's So Going on the Blog...

Rather than summarize the end of the summer season with a poignant post about past events, I figured it would be best done with some of the better quotes of summer. Here goes!

"I'm not drunk. I'm just stupid." Lorne

"My kitty hates me it's been so long...I keep saying I'm going to shove things in her just to shut her up." Leanne (who doesn't have a cat needless to say).

"My name is Leanne Thompson and I own this fucking River!" Leanne's excuse when facing the possibility of a police encounter tubing down the Thompson River.

"Quick, head for international waters!" Matt. Same expedition.

"TGI Friday has now been renamed T G I Trainwreck day courtesy of my friend alcohol." Me

"Jeep jeep." Everyone. Nuff said.

"I don't eat meat. I just fuck it." My words apparently screamed to a hotdog vender in the middle of the night after finding there were no veggie dogs. I put the ass in class.

Piece of' Sheeet

Why has my blogger friend turned into my blogger foe. I am trying to create a nice little picture book of last week's wedding adventures for all to see (ok, mostly myself. and your mom.) and I am having more difficulty with it than humanely possible. This shit is supposed to be easy like Sunday morning and I'm fighting with it like fractions in grade six.

Bah. I will get the best of you blogger, just you wait and see...