Wednesday, July 9, 2008


The blog title prob made a few people cringe, but I have to admit I'm chock full of it right now with a side of progesterine. The fun of trying to ensure my uterus is not chock full of babies every month.

Of course with trying to get pill dosage right, a fun little rendevous with the morning after pill about 5 weeks ago and my normal crazyasaloon mood swings, right now to say I've been emotionally charged lately is an understatement.

This is not boding well in trying to convince my one guy friend that all redheads are NOT indeed insane.

But rather than continually feel guilty for the raw nerve endings of my psyche I'm starting to see the actual Benefits of it. Right now through my manic highs of snorting laughter and lows of offended tears I'm seeing that I am Aware of my emotions more right now than I have been in a long time. It's scary and real.

I crave food right now with the salivation of a pregnant woman.
I want kisses that are salty with passion, not bitter from booze.
I hurt when people say rude things rather than brushing it off.
I appreciate the many things people do for me, which don't come with enough thank yous.
I enjoy the new friendships I have been making and growing from.
I lust for a sense of balance between the adult I am and the immature girl that reflects back.
I hope to look better than my exboyfriends shiny new girlfriend at the dinner party Saturday.
I'm happy he's happy, but just unhappy it was so soon afterwards.
I wish people would take me more seriously. Doing stupid things doesn't make me a stupid person.
I rage when people are careless with feelings.
I hesitate to accept casual sex as substitute over substance.
I absorb stories from others, like sunshine on my face.
I speak advice I can only wish to follow myself, someday.
I care too much about the little stuff while knowing in the end the big picture will work out.
I envy people with families right now. At 28 it finally struck me...Wives. Husbands. Children. As it brings purpose that my lifestyle is too selfish and insula rto permit.
I miss a sense of belonging at work.
I love me, flaws and all.
I hate that I have to remind myself of that.

If anything this time period has allowed a sense of emotional freedom and catharsis, not wanted but expected and appreciated. A hormonal imbalance that can create a sense of chaos and inner confusion at times that make me wonder if I could be tiptoeing towards a breakdown of sorts, but with it also brings a clarity and empowerful of appreciating all the deeprooted feelings you push aside during your day because you're too busy with stuff.

What are you feeling?


Anonymous said...

all of the above! I just noticed this on the sidebar of your blog "I'm a trainwreck on training wheels" Haha, it's brilliant!

lukkydivz said...

you definitely look a lot better than your ex boyfriend's new girlfriend ;)

Anonymous said...

me? I'm feeling a little bit of everything and a whole lotta joy

also? it's good that you're aware of what you're feeling. truly

Maxie said...

I'm feeling stressed out for no reason.

Mike said...

Ahhhh your nesting.

I find the older I get the more detached from my emotions I get - or maybe I'm having an easier time controlling them.

I dunno.

Slyde said...

right now im feeling sick, but i think you just expressed your feelings quite beautifully.. well done.

lotus07 said...

How am I feeling. Right now I am glad I am not in the same room with you! But in all seriousness. The whole estrogen=crazy thing is something it took me (as a guy) ages to figure out. I naturally thought that all women were crazy at any given time before I figured out the cyclical nature of things. That is when I learned the true origins of the calendar. It was to track the planting and harvesting of crops. It was to tell our ancestors when to stay out of the house.

Meghan said...

nritchie2345- I decided to stop trying to fight the title years back and just embrace it for what it is.

lukkydivz-thanks darlin :)

deutlich-joy is one of the best feelings of them all. enjoy :)

maxie- more redbull will help that :P

mike- nesting? how so? but I agree with the latter statement about detachment.

slyde- hope you feel better. and thanks.

Jamie Lovely said...

Dude, I completely understand. I'm changing around BC pills and feeling pukey and bloated and cranky and cry-y. Ugh.

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

That was a lot of deep emotions. I wish I could express my emotions as well as you did. :)

Paula said...

how am i feeling? confused and sort of amused by the actions of someone once close to me, who i've realised is actually closer than i think still. cryptic i know, but i may be getting watched . . . :)

Angela said...

Wow, I guess you ARE emotional today! I'm really lucky I got matched with a good Pill the first time around and never had any side effects. My friend, on the other hand, well. She turned into Naomi Campbell....

Meghan said...

lotus- you learn something new every day!thanks!

jamie- come over for ice cream and we can be cry-y together.

fashionista- you do very well on your blog

paula- just watch the watcher...

angela- beware of phones flying at your head.

Tricia said...

I've been on the same pill since 1991 and anytime the dr suggests I could try something new I say - NO WAY - this works for me and I'm not psychotic on it. LOL

I like to feel my emotions in normal doses, still get a bit PMSy after taking the last pink pill. :(

Jenn said...

I loved this post.

Right now I'm feeling happy with a little bit of regret and nervousness thrown in there.

sandy said...

Aww, I love this. Jenn "shared" it on Google Reader and I'm so happy she introduced me to this blog!

Paula said...

Meghan - Oh i am - believe me i AM . . . ;)

Nick said...

Just embrace the impending breakdown, let it happen and join the crazy train! It's pretty fabulous here – we have jello shots.

The Divine Miss M said...

Wow. I've kind of been like that lately but I'm always an emotional mess.

Just embrace it ;)

Anonymous said...

I'm feeling manic and rageful at work. I'm feeling tummyache and butterflies before seeing Fireman tonight because he's been weird all week and I wonder if he really does like me. I'm feeling dread and a little pinch of lust at knowing I'll see ex-Tim tonight in front of Fireman.


maverick said... totally bored...need to go on a long drive...n drive fast....need to feel the wind :)

Steph said...

Good for you sweetie. I think half our problem sometimes is NOT feeling and trying to numb everything.

It's good to experience emotion even if it's sad or it hurts, at least then we know we're alive. Right? Riiight? lol

Meghan said...

tricia- pms makes for a great excuse to eat extra ice cream i say :)

jenn-thanks :) no regrets.

sandy- thanks for visiting!

nick- jello shots=fucking a!

divine miss m- emotions are the new pink.

red stapler nation- breathe girl!

maverick -driving fast has been one of my best escape mechanisms.

steph- riiiiiiiiight. :P

moooooog35 said...

Sounds like somebody just read a Jamie Lee Curtis kid's book.

Jenny said...

You are so strong. :) Anyways, never loose faith in yourself. We need to love ourselves even with our flaws. I mean, we all have our flaws. Nobody is perfect.