Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Happy Camper

Dear Nature,

I've spent much of the winter months avoiding you. You've been a cold, aggressive bitch and there's only so long a person can be polite. A lack of vitamin d is a small price to pay when talking bout frozen tootsies.

But now that the sun is slowly starting to peek out, I'm done playing Ms.Almostbutnotquite Nice Girl. I'm facing you head on. We're gonna have at it out mono-et-mono.

The best way to get back on the right foot is with a weekend together. So we'll go on a couple's retreat in the woods. In a tent. Some people know this as camping, not 'are you fucken kidding me'? I'll be experimental and call it 'roughing it'. I'm going to give up my cell phone reception and internet access for you, so I'm hoping you'll keep all things creepy and crawly to a minimum. As much as you do seem to enjoy when bees buzz around me and I scream like a little girl, while running and flapping my arms, it is not as funny as you think it is.

I will respect boundaries and learn to use an outhouse. Well, no I won't as outhouses freak me out but I will pee in the woods and admire the chirpy chipmunk sounds in the background. I promise not to pee on pretty flowers but can't promise I won't try to write my name in the sand when drunk. Recycled teepee and nature friendly dishsoap will be used, cause if we're gonna try to get rid of our feud, we should start on the right foot. It's all about respect.

Your homeboy Smokey the Bear already gave me a heads up about campfires and lets shake on it right now. I'm not gonna throw plastic or alcohol or gas or anything else that would entertain me whilst inebriated into the fire if you don't blow the smoke in my eyes. No promises about poking it with a stick though.

You're going to be nice and not rain and I'm going to not be the asshat who brings their blow up, generator infused hottub. Fair is fair, right? If I leave any traces of veggie dogs around due to the sudden need to sleep facedown, enjoy them. Cooties don't exist in the great white open, my sister from another mister.

Pretty much what I'm trying to say is we're gonna be stuck together for the next handful of months for a few adventures. Outdoor four day musical festivals, camp trips, trips down the river, etc. So I think this would be a good time to make a fresh start of it and leave all our past baggage behind. I won't curse the sun when it makes me red. I won't curse the mosquitos when they buzz at night. All I ask is for you to throw out some blue skies and picturesque locations my way.
Think about it and get back to me, k friend? Cause if this goes sour again, we're gonna have quite the custody battle over the ocean views. And I can be a gossipy beotch, you better believe.


Tequila Mockingbird said...

yeaaaah... i dont really do the whole camping thing.. my new boyfriend does, but i'm like, you and your friends can go dig holes to shit in, i prefer to stay in a hotel with plumbing and room service. maybe that makes me lame, but whatever.

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

OOOOHHH.. that great outdoors... bring lots of sunblock and OFF! ointments!

Tricia said...

My husband and I tried camping once - we bought all the gear and spent 2 nights sleeping in the woods. It's not really for us we decided. I'd give it another try but I don't think he wants to.

So maybe I should try to sell my tent, blow up mattress and LLBean sleeping bags on ebay? :)

Jamie said...

Oh my gosh. You are a brave girl. Good luck. Take bugs spray!

Meghan said...

Tequila- Agreed. Camping would be much for pleasant with room service and a mini bar.

Fashionista- sunblock in my middle name. And charlene. My parents were weird like that.

Tricia- remember 'gently worn' is the key word for Ebay :)

Jamie- Off bug spray is the new perfume.

lotus07 said...

I will give you the benefit of the doubt, but be warned, it isn't nice to fool with Mother Nature. You would score more brownie points with me if you ditched the Infinity and got a Hybrid or maybe a Yugo.


Melissa said...

I think my brother and his gf might be coming up to camp in Golden this summer. If you're up for it let me know. I'll tell my brother he has to teach you how to ride the pink dirt bike

maverick said...

hmmm....i love camping in the woods n all...have a good time...anything with bikinis n all also on the card??? :D

Meghan said...

Nature-I can't afford a hybrid car, unfortunately. So instead I'll hitchhike to work to make certain no more gas is getting wasted.It's carpooling with flair.

Melissa- hellls yeah!

Mav- no bikini's. That's just more space for the mosquitos to bite.

maverick said...

@meghan..use mosquito repellent ointments...but do wear the bikini..n show me the pics :D

Memphis Steve said...

If you are in need of some sunshine then come visit me in Memphis. I have already been sunburned 4 times just this spring alone. By the end of this summer I should be a walking crust of skin cancer at the rate I'm going.

Meghan said...

Memphis-we'll play connect the dots with sun infused freckles and moles

Lad Litter said...

Can't say I blame you. Woody Allen had a similar view. To anywhere outside Manhattan.

Tricia said...

So did you survive? :)

surviving myself said...

wait - you can pee your name in the sand?? I thought only us dudes could do that?

You are talented!

Meghan said...

Lad Litter- I think if I lived in Manhattan I might feel the same :)

Tricia- yes, and I'm hooked!

Chris-still working on dotting the i's though

Edward Yates said...

Great funny post! And I can tell from the fact you have posted since your foray into the wilderness that you survived! Hurrah!

My partner and went on our first and perhaps last camping and hiking expedition a little while ago. I'd dragged her along to experience the 'great outdoors' and 'the wonder of nature'. She was doing well, a real trooper until the third day when the temperature got above 30 degrees Celsius (f. hot for those with Fahrenheit thermometers). We got to last camping site after a modest 10km hike and she was then chased by an angry native bee! Perhaps a wasp. And I took a photo of her at the site, hot, tired and pathetic after being chased by bee. She has an expression on her face of 'You got to be fucking kidding me.'

Fun times...

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