Happy Camper

Dear Nature,

I've spent much of the winter months avoiding you. You've been a cold, aggressive bitch and there's only so long a person can be polite. A lack of vitamin d is a small price to pay when talking bout frozen tootsies.

But now that the sun is slowly starting to peek out, I'm done playing Ms.Almostbutnotquite Nice Girl. I'm facing you head on. We're gonna have at it out mono-et-mono.

The best way to get back on the right foot is with a weekend together. So we'll go on a couple's retreat in the woods. In a tent. Some people know this as camping, not 'are you fucken kidding me'? I'll be experimental and call it 'roughing it'. I'm going to give up my cell phone reception and internet access for you, so I'm hoping you'll keep all things creepy and crawly to a minimum. As much as you do seem to enjoy when bees buzz around me and I scream like a little girl, while running and flapping my arms, it is not as funny as you think it is.

I will respect boundaries and learn to use an outhouse. Well, no I won't as outhouses freak me out but I will pee in the woods and admire the chirpy chipmunk sounds in the background. I promise not to pee on pretty flowers but can't promise I won't try to write my name in the sand when drunk. Recycled teepee and nature friendly dishsoap will be used, cause if we're gonna try to get rid of our feud, we should start on the right foot. It's all about respect.

Your homeboy Smokey the Bear already gave me a heads up about campfires and lets shake on it right now. I'm not gonna throw plastic or alcohol or gas or anything else that would entertain me whilst inebriated into the fire if you don't blow the smoke in my eyes. No promises about poking it with a stick though.

You're going to be nice and not rain and I'm going to not be the asshat who brings their blow up, generator infused hottub. Fair is fair, right? If I leave any traces of veggie dogs around due to the sudden need to sleep facedown, enjoy them. Cooties don't exist in the great white open, my sister from another mister.

Pretty much what I'm trying to say is we're gonna be stuck together for the next handful of months for a few adventures. Outdoor four day musical festivals, camp trips, trips down the river, etc. So I think this would be a good time to make a fresh start of it and leave all our past baggage behind. I won't curse the sun when it makes me red. I won't curse the mosquitos when they buzz at night. All I ask is for you to throw out some blue skies and picturesque locations my way.

Think about it and get back to me, k friend? Cause if this goes sour again, we're gonna have quite the custody battle over the ocean views. And I can be a gossipy beotch, you better believe.

Sincerely,

Meghan