Wowing Them With Awesomeness

I work in an office. A professional office that doesn't approve of my suggestions of "no pants" Fridays and 'Hookers and Blow' Wednesdays. An office with ties and business suits, conference calls and meetings with Head Office.

An office where work gets done, and although jokes happen amongst the staff they are not frequent nor appreciated by a lot of people. It's a place filled with soccer mom's and almost retire-ees.

So since it was one of the first (exciting) times for me to go to a regional office get together on Friday, you're going to have to fill me in on a few things.

Is it couture to discuss getting a pap smear from a guy that looks like Santa? And how it's the best grooming look to have a landing strip for the occasion?

People like it when you show your trick of shoving a drink down your shirt and drinking it right? And offer to show the leg behind the head trick.

Office mates love it when you discuss your joke "O" face and show it to them. It involves crossed eyes and me tongue sticking out. And declaring it dead sexy.

It's a good thing to talk about stories about streaking and how you've been known to "inhale" on occasions. And tell stories of getting high on 'shrooms back in the day. And how it's been a long time since you've gotten laid.

Cause if so, I wowed them Friday. If not, it's time to start drinking water at office functions.

Screw Flanders

Doncha hate it when you have writer's block.

Then again I'm not a writer so, let me rephrase that. Doncha hate it when you have self commentary/editotial block? Better.

I don't have the words in my mental thesausus to post about the events in my day to day life- drinking, dancing, my newfoundlove for golf. Almost rolling a golf cart on Saturday. Stupid hills.

I'd write about work but considering it has to do with a lot of stat reports lately I'd also have to mail pens to every person who reads this so you could jab yourself in the eye. And that would take a lot of stolen office stamps.

I don't have any witty stories to share. None that come to mind. Well I can alwayd tell some of the absurd stories of my life, but they make people go wtf more than anything. Ex "Remember that stalker I had when 21, I wonder what ever happened to him?" "Do you remember that pregnant roomate we had that only ate crackers and talked in a babyvoice?" "Remember that time we accidentally got alcohol banned from our Uni program for an entire year. Man, I think that pissed people off."

Yeah, I got nothing.

Actually, that's a lie. I have pictures of my cat. And if I think she's cute, so will you. But I'm saving those for another day.

I could tell witty stories about my love life, but really if I haven't made up stuff to date, why start now. I'll just say I'm going through a dry spell in all senses and leave it at that.

I could write a cute list of things I like/dislike right now but even that seems boring. I still like pirates and dance offs. I hate mosquitos and golf courses that don't have the beer people that come around.

I could blog about upcoming weekend plans....trips down the river, my birthday, Canada Day, 10 year grad reunion, being females going to a bachelor party, trips to the Okanagan, possible roadtrip drinking with coworkers, Pemberton music festival, Revelstoke baseball tournament, PNE amusement park in Vancouver. My summer is booked! But none of these have happened yet, so there's really nothing to post.

I could give a shout out to all the great blogs I have been reading lately but there's too many to pimp so I'll save that for another day as well.

So instead I'll cop out and throw out another "Ask Meghan Anything" platform and let that decide the next post. Cause right now I feel like Homer S. writing a food article and all I gots to say is Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.Screw Flanders.

Follow

Me over to the ubertalented and cute Jamie's blog Oh! How Lovely where I'm doing a guest post today!

Stick Men Get Me

Goodbye, My Lover ( I Wish!)

Sorry, I'm taking it hard. I wish I could be the bigger person, but I'm not. I'm still in denial. Don't worry though. I'd still hit it, even if I'm gonna have to be the breadwinner in the family now.

28 is Great!

In just over three weeks it's Canada Day. Whoot whoot! Followed by the day we celebrate "the best accident that ever happened." as my mommy would say. Also know as 'the birthday'.

28.

It makes me feel sick, but that could be the latte I just had. Milk makes me bloated. But all in all I tend not to freak out about birthdays, but just enjoy them as they are. This year however there is a change and I can't help but think it's a sign of getting older. I don't want a group going out to the bar. I don't want a big par-tay. I don't care if people really know. I just want a small group of friends to have supper. That's all.

So to continue an ongoing tradition of Too Much Information I give you 28 random things about me.

1.) I was kicked out of swim class and not allowed back when six. A girl took forever on the diving board just staring at the water. I decided to help her out with a friendly shove.

I still can't swim.

2.) To date my birthday have involved; making out with a coworker on a park bench. A lapdance from a stripper named Maria with loose morales. A pseudo kidnapping. A threesome after a box of wine. Almost barfing on a strippers crotch.

3.) I am an exibitionist in the worst way. Clothes are rarely on at home and I don't care if the neighbours see.

4.) I've been a vegetarian for 14 years now but still crave meat when hungover. Don't eat it, but love the smell of it.

5.) I've only been out of B.C. once in the last ten years.

6.) I'm not well travelled.

7.) Sometimes I think peeing is the best feeling in the world.

8.)Washing tupperware freaks me out, so I usually just wait til it's moldy and gross and throw it out. Which is why the disposable cheapie ones are awesome.

9.) I hate chick flicks.

10.) But I'm a hopeless romantic.

11.) I most relate to Miranda on SATC, not Carrie.

12.)I live off Clamato juice and go through about 2 jugs a week. I drink about 15 glasses of water a year, tops. I think water tastes yicky.

13.) I'm not very good at dealing with anger so often when angry I'll dance around my living room like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance until I'm sweaty and exhausted. I also have very forgiving apartment mates below for putting up with it.

14.) Very few people in my day to day life know about my blog and I really like it that way.

15.) I got in trouble in class when I was seven for making out with a boy in the back of the class during story time. His name was Kevin. He dumped me in grade three for a different girl but I didn't reallt have time to be mad at him cause we moved that year anyways.

16.) I was eighty percent deaf until I was almost seven and after many extensive surgeries my hearing was almost fully corrected. It's why I learned sign language at the time too and still have a bit of a raspy voice from not developing my vocal chords til a later age.

17.) My middle name is Charlene. I was named by my dad. My mom was out of it and drugged so he took the opportunity to name he after a character on the tv show Dallas he had a crush on. When mom came to she wasn't impressed.

18.) I think the world would be a better place if everyone ate more gelato.

19.) LOLcatz rock my world and I don't care what anyone sez.

20.) If you like a boy and he's french, don't say you speak french to try to impress him when you don't. You'll just end up making an ass out of yourself. Merde.

21.) Vibrators scare me.

22.) I tend to judge people that don't watch or like Family Guy. Sorry, but it's true.

23.) I've made out with almost every female friend I have and at least half my guy friends. How do you tell that to a guy you've started dating?

24.) If I ever find myself in a place with lotsa money, I will promptly go to the bank and ask for it in American dollar bills (cause it has to be dollar bills and loonies would hurt). I then plan on going to a hotel with a bed with crisp white cotton sheets and rolling around and throwing the money much like in a movie scene.

25.) I'm not where I thought I would be at 28. It's not a good thing or a bad thing, but it's just a thing.

26.) I tend to be judgemental of others and am trying to work on that.

27.) I tend to be the last woman a guy dates before he goes on and marries the next girl. This has happened at least four times. I'm a walking, talking bachelor party.

28.) I have a professional job I love. But some days I just really wanna be a stripper.

A Good Week Should Involve...

AND

AND

AND

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AND

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WAIT FOR IT

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A BADASS SUNBURN

Meh, five out of six ain't bad.