Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Un Post

I'm on the verge of writing one of those posts. You know the ones. Where the sky is dark and your mood matches and you have no real right to feel that way, but you do anyways in defiance. And so you want to share that sentiment and you blog about it.

Mostly complaints come out, a little too bitter to have the true innocence of being emo, and a cynical side slips out usually reserved for quiet nights bitching on the phone to friends who will mirror sentiments. When feeling sorry for yourself is just too easy to not give into. Where some of the cracks start to show and the veneer of confidence is dented by loneliness and melancholy that even a cute blogger pic or anecdote can't hide. Where surfing facebook somehow isn't about updates, but a show of people around you and realizing at some point when you weren't looking people ran past you into lives filled with companionship and ambition, whereas you're floundering. Where looking at dating sites makes you wonder if they're walking the tightrope of being hopeful and or giving up too. When suddenly you question those insecurities in your life whether it be your career, your finance, or your state of being.Where you wonder if they're glaringly obvious to those around you or just magnified by the the deafening silence of a Sunday night. Where suddenly you feel very alone and scared and you just want someone to relate on some level.

But your hand hovers over the button where it says Publish Post because you know you're going to regret it in the morning, when the sun is up. You're going to look at the computer and grimace, your face turning to lemon candy sour hoping that maybe nobody read it during your sleeping hours. You're going to feel embarrassed for that moment, that hour, that day where you felt hopeless because obviously people are going on with their days, just as it's the start of a new day for you.

I wonder how many people have hit the save now on this post, and gone to bed to think it over. I wonder how many people feel alone at this very moment, in the darkness. I wonder how many people have thought of publishing this exact same post.

17 comments:

It's Me! said...

me too.

hellotaylor said...

*hug*

We all have those nights. Everything will seem better in the morning :)

Thanks for sharing, too.

MsDarkstar said...

I usually erase it, never quite having the guts to publish...

Mike said...

I've been feeling especially shitty lately too.

Damnit.

But you have the guts to reflect it here. It's kind of like crying.

I'm convinced I don't have tear ducts ;)

Amber (Girl with the red hair) said...

Oh girl, you are awesome.

I have SOO many posts like that sitting in my drafts because my hand DOES hover over the publish now button and chooses the "Save Draft" button instead. So, trust me, you, or anyone who feels like this, is NOT alone!

Jack said...

We have all done it. But now, if I have an idea for a blog post, I wait a few hours to see if the idea still seems so good. It rarely does. Autumn is here - welcome those crappy moods and illnesses as the days feel shorter :(

Bruce said...

I don't know of a single post I have done that I have not gone back and changed something after I posted it.....So the quicker you read my posts, the more likely you are to find glaring spelling errors or things that appear totally out of context.

Kimberly said...

Have a drink, buy a new handbag..or drink while you buy. You'll feel better.

P said...

I certainly have. I can identify.

SassyGirl said...

I've definitely felt the same way before. Unfortunately, I usually save the post and never end up publishing it. On the other hand, it is good to recognize that it's just a phase. Our insecurities make us human, but it's important not to wallow, not to let them immobilize us. The sun will come out tomorrow.

Romius T. said...

I liked this. And now you have to like me. It says so on your blog.

LiLu said...

I'm glad you hit publish. It's good to get it out, I think. Cleansing.

From one flounderer to another... love your face. xoxo

walkingonsunshine18 said...

I've had this happen a couple of times on my old blog because I didn't want my friends to read what I was really feeling, but now that I've made a new blog, I'm letting it all out. Glad you shared! Love the blog!

Steph said...

But don't you feel better now it's out there?
Be kind to yourself girl. xx

Joker_SATX said...

OK, new blog follower for you here. Loved what I read so far...you are on the Joker's Blog Roll...

Andhari said...

I'm usually like that too, some days i just press publish and i don't care because it's how i feel. but there are times i sleep on it or hit delete instantly

Andy said...

Oh... How many times have I hit the "Save this post" button? How many times have I erased everything I've written and posted 2 or 3 pics, just because I don't have the guts to face what is going on with him?

MANY.