Just so you have a visual, I'm writing this ia a moderate fetal position. As much as one can be whilst writing on a laptop. Just so you know how sad and pathetic I feel.
We broke up today.* Via text message. Makes the post it note break up look classy. It had been coming for longer than I wanted to admit. When I'm in a relationship I give it everything I got, no holds barred. Not to say I don't enter with caution and look both ways but I'm not someone who will hold you at arms length when we've crossed that bridge.
I'd like to give you specifics as to why but I am trying to grasp it myself. Cheating? Perhaps. Need for space? Definately. But after four months to suddenly deny any and all contact one day-block my number and cease all forms of communication. Ouch. To text me that "I lost your keys. Keep my stuff. I don't want to hear from you."
I wish I had done something wrong so I could at least tell people that I fucked it up. Intead I'm left feeling like I am being punished for a fuck up that I do not know I committed. He wants nothing to do with me. After I asked why he was pulling away from me. Like I'm not supposed to notice the time we spend together is time he choose, which is limited.Like I'm not supposed to question any subject he finds uncomfortable cause that will lead to him ignoring me for no less than two days. Like it's not humiliating to admit your boyfriend doesn't find you attractive, sexually. Yeah, ask me my feelings of self worth right now.
Four months spent rationalizing why he would not change his facebook status to single. Four months not questioning the random girls that are added to facebook as it irritates him. Four months spent where I gave it my everything and he did not and that's why today I sit here crying on my couch while he wipes his hands clean. He had nothing invested but material items which he is happy to rid himself of.
I feel like a failure, whether it is me or not. The point is I had a relationship and gave it my all....and it failed. It didn't last six months. It's hard not to take it personally. But when the dust is cleared and my eyes are dry I will pick myself up and start over. But for today, it hurts. And t hurts a lot.
*Yes I am blogging about my breakup and it is tacky as hell. Breakups much like relationships are personal(and therefore not my usual blog foddler) and I'm showing no respect towards the relationship through posting which makes me no better. But he does not read my blog nor do his friend. It's a outlet which is not going to name him, call him names, or anything like that. I'm not blasting him to his face. I'm not blasting him to his friends. I'm not creating havoc on facebook as I am trying to be the bigger person while he is hurling insults without cause so this is my outlet and if it lowers me, so be it.