Tuesday, February 3, 2009

No Hablo Espanol

In part of my trip preparation ( tanning booth, Hep shots, conditioning my liver for all day alcohol consumption) I have been working very hard half assing it with trying to learn some common phrases in Spanish as I don't want to be the asshat that thinks everyone will speak English just cause I do. Outside of the resort a lot of the locals do not so I feel it's my duty to try to learn the language a tichy bit.

So far I have learned:

Hi. Hello. My name is Meghan. How are you today? I am (well/very well/so-so/bad). Thank you. Please. Water. Wine. Beer. Tourist. Shit. Goodbye.

I don't see it getting me very far. Hydrated and polite, but not very far.

So I picked up some cd's (to go with my super rocking discman I tote around like it's 1996) and have been listening to them a bit throughout the week. The cd's are meant to learn Spanish for your trip with useful phrases you would be expected to use while on your vacation.

They are not useful.

And they are not phrases I expect to use while on vacation. In fact, it's safe to say common phrases from the cd expected to be used are very different from the phrases I expect to use.


"This is my friend Juan. He studies philosophy."
"Hello Juan. Philosophy is a very interesting subject."

"I'm sorry kind sir, I seem to have lost my pants again. May you please help me find them?"

"Are you a doctor, or are you all doctors?"
"We are all doctors, here. Pleased to meet you."

"You're hot and I appreciate that. Might you have a face I can sit on?"

"Is that water, or is it wine? I do not know whether or not it is water or wine."

"May I please have a drink or seven for my friend and myself? With a lime?"

"The lake goes into the ocean. The ocean and the lake are different. The river and the lake are different."

"I like rum. Rummy rummy rum. Yum yum yum. In my belly. Down the hatch it goes."

And so forth. So if anyone knows of a cd/ tape/ translator who can help me with the things I will need to know rather that discussing lakes and philosophy it would be greatly appreciated. Otherwise I'm going to be the douchenozzle who just randomly shouts out spanish words when drunk like a tourettes patient in a bikini.


I'm so getting punched in the face in Cuba.


Slyde said...

just call everyone "Bandejo" alot...


Hillary said...

who doesn't know the difference between water and wine?

Arjewtino said...

Screw that CD, I think you're on to something with what YOU expect to hear.

I expect you will single-handedly prevent the US from lifting its embargo on Cuba. Way to go.

just me said...

my husband took a college spanish class & learned the names of surgical instruments & birds - wth?

Bruce said...

The most important thing to remember is Banjos....(bathroom), you will be meeting a lot more interesting bathrooms on your trip that interesting people.

Just a thought, go to an on-line translator, put in some heady phrases and start memorizing. Somthing like "buy me a beer so I can sit on your lap"....sort of thing.

Angela said...

I listened to those kinds of cds when I went to France. But I stopped listening when they started talking about driving. I wasn't going to be driving ANYWHERE when I was there for a week, so I stopped listening to the cds.

Anonymous said...

I always find pantomiming is the most effective means of communication in a foreign land. It gives a kind of plausible deniability that words just can't offer.

Melissa W said...

""You're hot and I appreciate that. Might you have a face I can sit on?"

LOL, wow you are a dirty girl Meghan. I like it.

Paula said...

Think it's safer and easier just to speak English. Yes, I'm one of those annoying people who expect everyone to speak English!

It's Me! said...

You SAY the sentences aren't useful, but won't your face be red when you meet Juan the Philosophy student and can't remember how to tell him he's interesting!

Jamie said...

I hear there is a great and free podcast called Coffee Time Spanish or something like that. Check iTunes!

Then teach me it please because I'm the worst Mexican ever.

Meghan said...

Slyde- I'm blaming you when I get punched.

Hillary-Someone who;s been drinking nasty water or wine?

Arjewtino-No pressure though.

just me- incase you want to dissect birds on vacay?

Bruce- good call. And thanks for the heads up on 'bathroom'

Angela- sounds like the same company

Slacktastic- after a couple of drinks pantomiming could get very creative

Melissa- I've heard vacay's make people do crazy things so I'm just being prepared

Paula- but at least you're honest about it

Pirate Jess- and won't my face be red when I can't tell the difference between water and wine

Jamie- I'll check it out, grasious!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

"You're hot and I appreciate that. Might you have a face I can sit on?"

ohh careful, you may not want to use that with a random Cuban.

Racquel Valencia said...

I love phrase books... when I lived in Spain, my phrase book was this British thing, a relic from the 1960's that included such gems as "may I have some cotton wool for my ears?" and "do you have this in a louder colour?" I speak English and I'm not sure what those mean.

...love Maegan said...

omg so funny ...your phrases sound like a much better trip than the ones on the cd.....just fyi ..itunes has a free spanish lesson podcast you can download if you like ...although, it still may not help with your wants and needs ..lol.

Roland Hulme said...

Post. Made. Me. Snort. Coffee. Out. Of. Nose... HILARIOUS.

Why is it when men approach women with chat up lines that involve face sitting it's creepy and gross, but when hot redheaded women approach men with chat up lines that involve face sitting, it's hilarious and, goshdarnit, just a wee bit saucy?

Meghan said...

Candy- Probably not now that I think about it.

Racquel- I'd break out those gems in Cuba too...or not.

Maegan- I suspect itunes will get my wants and needs more than the cd's from hell.

Roland- I didn't make those rules but I sure do appreciate them!

Roshan said...

Those sentences & phrases sure will come in handy. Needless to say, stick close to the resort/hotel that you are staying at and you'll be fine.

Anonymous said...