No Hablo Espanol

In part of my trip preparation ( tanning booth, Hep shots, conditioning my liver for all day alcohol consumption) I have been working very hard half assing it with trying to learn some common phrases in Spanish as I don't want to be the asshat that thinks everyone will speak English just cause I do. Outside of the resort a lot of the locals do not so I feel it's my duty to try to learn the language a tichy bit.

So far I have learned:

Hi. Hello. My name is Meghan. How are you today? I am (well/very well/so-so/bad). Thank you. Please. Water. Wine. Beer. Tourist. Shit. Goodbye.

I don't see it getting me very far. Hydrated and polite, but not very far.

So I picked up some cd's (to go with my super rocking discman I tote around like it's 1996) and have been listening to them a bit throughout the week. The cd's are meant to learn Spanish for your trip with useful phrases you would be expected to use while on your vacation.

They are not useful.

And they are not phrases I expect to use while on vacation. In fact, it's safe to say common phrases from the cd expected to be used are very different from the phrases I expect to use.

Example;


"This is my friend Juan. He studies philosophy."
"Hello Juan. Philosophy is a very interesting subject."

"I'm sorry kind sir, I seem to have lost my pants again. May you please help me find them?"

"Are you a doctor, or are you all doctors?"
"We are all doctors, here. Pleased to meet you."

"You're hot and I appreciate that. Might you have a face I can sit on?"

"Is that water, or is it wine? I do not know whether or not it is water or wine."

"May I please have a drink or seven for my friend and myself? With a lime?"

"The lake goes into the ocean. The ocean and the lake are different. The river and the lake are different."

"I like rum. Rummy rummy rum. Yum yum yum. In my belly. Down the hatch it goes."

And so forth. So if anyone knows of a cd/ tape/ translator who can help me with the things I will need to know rather that discussing lakes and philosophy it would be greatly appreciated. Otherwise I'm going to be the douchenozzle who just randomly shouts out spanish words when drunk like a tourettes patient in a bikini.

Sigh.

I'm so getting punched in the face in Cuba.