Whereas I keep seeing posts and facebook statuses kicking 2009 to the curb and slamming the door it its face, I can't do the same. It's not that I'm clinging to 2009 as I'm not I just don't have any bad feelings for the year. You see, 2009 was the year that things started to come together.
Don't get me wrong here, I'm still awkward and say the wrong things and have no concept of fashion or home decoration and I don't see any of those things drastically changing when the clock strikes twelve. And the last year has had its moments of kicking my ass; food poisoning times three, the Hiney flu, trips gone awry and fights with friends that were painful not proactive. Lonely nights and questioning finances and career aspirations are subject matters that have all nibbled at my achilles heel over the last twelve months.
But somehow last year on this day I was looking forward to the year because it was going to be what I made of it. For one of the first times since I started my twenties I sat down and asked myself what I really wanted. Not for dinner, or to wear to a party, but out of life. The heavy stuff. Fresh from a breakup and still licking my wounds, I vowed to start over and to start fresh. And so I did.
Most of the changes have been small but they have been there. The old me would have not jumped on a plane to another country for a vacation as it would be deemed too irrational and luxurious. The old me would have found another way to cancel plans of jumping out of a plane. The old me would still be telling herself that anxiety disorder is just another thing to deal with by yourself since noone will ever understand it. The old me would have quit blogging when push come to shove, and been embarrassed about her awkwardness. The old me would have told you how much she knew about life and waxed poetics about it rather than realizing just how much she has left to learn.
Don't get me wrong, on the surface most of these changes are minimal and internal but they are there, and I don't see it stopping in 2010. I don't think that when the champagne toasts are over and the the ball has dropped, I'm going to be miraculously a better person. I'm not going to suddenly start going to the gym just so I can pat myself on the back for sticking to a goal. I'm just going to smile, give air kisses and slowly and surely keeping working on my list for 2010.
2010 doesn't need to be better than 2009 and I don't have any false illusions that by the grace of God, I'm suddenly going to fall in love or have things tie up in a neat package with a bow. My credit card balances will still not be at zero. I still don't have a plan for retirement and I'm never gonna bake that perfect cake. But with an open mind and an empty heart I'm ready for 2010 and all it brings.