Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Dirty Little Secret

I have a secret. Actually I have tons of secrets and they'll be revealed in time, but for today it's time to come clean with one I've been embarrassed about for a long time.

I can't swallow pills. Actually I have troubles with my gag reflex period (if anyone makes a sex joke now I'll cut you). I can't do shooters, and have to sip them like tea at the bar. Ask me how sexy that skill is to show off to bachelors. I can't get normal sized xrays at the dentist they have to do the child sized ones otherwize I end up gagging and puking on whatever hygenist or object is near. I can't even take the birth control pill and that's why I have a bandaid style birth control patch attached to my hip which is changed weekly.

It's not that I don't want to. I stare at the pill. I size it up. I convince myself that it's not so scary and throw it in my mouth....and nothing. The pill just gets soggy if it's in a capsule and opens up expelling whatever taste of death is inside. If it's a solid pill the gel coat comes off in my mouth and reveals the chalky underbelly of whatever nasty pill it is. I've tried pinching my nose. I've tried emptying the contents of the pill on a spoon with honey or chocolate.

And as it turns out chocolate goes with everything EXCEPT yucky pill taste. And I cannot force myself to take the spoonful of chocolate hate. It's like trying to wax your own legs. It's not putting the wax on, it's taking it off. I'd rather pay someone else for the torture any day. Unfortunately there's no job description for this which doesn't sound insane,
" I will pay someone to hold me down, shove a spoonful of chocolate/powder junk in my mouth and as much as I squirm and thrash about like a fish out of water, keep pinching my nose until I swallow!"

As you can tell, I currently have a prescription of pills to take. 4 a day. For seven days. And the bottle is taunting me, but this time is different. I am mature. It's a New Year. I'm braver and stronger and smarter than the pills. I am going to another country for crying out loud. I've attempted to take one pill so far. It ended up half melted in the kitchen sink. So I figured eating a cookie will help me to get braver. Or seven cookies. Or eight.

Alright, little purple pill. Game on. You're my bitch.

21 comments:

lucklys said...

have you tried applesauce? i used to crush pills or empty the capsules into a bowl of either regular or raspberry flavored applesauce. if it wasn't enough applesauce, i just added more and mixed it all together. it did a pretty good job of masking the flavour. also pudding or yogurt. any kind.

but good luck with the swallowing! i still have a little trouble sometimes and it's never fun when you have to try again.

Deutlich said...

I know that feeling ALL too well.

Blah! I HATE IT.

Racquel Valencia said...

A birth control band-aid? Wow, I just play Russian Roulette.

Also, I have no gag reflex. None. It made me extremely popular to have at frat parties and vegan hotdog-eating contests.

Nick said...

I know you said no jokes, but I just can't help myself because every sentence of this post is an opportunity.

That's what she said.

Sorry. It had to be done.

Mike said...

Little purple pill?

Is that like.... female viagra?

Well, if you needed that you wouldn't have the birth control patch would you?

Sorry, sex jokes - you write a post like that and tell us not to and it's practically DARING us to do it.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I have two kids-now "tweens" and we go thru this all the time. We sometimes wrap it up into a piece of bread with a small amount of peanut butter.

If that doesn't work I say snorting it seems like the most viable option.

Paula said...

i can't do shooters either, unless they are not remotely toxic! you will often find me sipping one at the bar.

i CAN swallow pills these days but i used to have to swallow a bite of sandwich whole with one inside in order to get it down. it blew my mind that i could swallow a sandwich whole but not a pill.

Bruce said...

Wow....they make bandaid birth control? Shit....life sure is eaiser these days.....I could have had fun with those in High School!

Here is a tip from my wife, who has the same problem with the pill consumption. Put the pill in your mouth and then suck it down by drinking water through a straw. The sucking action on the straw pretty much shots the pill right down your throat, or so I have been told.

I wouldn't know, since I swallow Polska Kilbasas whole......

...love Maegan said...

um I CAN'T EITHER!!!! I have to do one at a time {whereas my mom can swallow like 10 huge vitamins at once} I'm always afraid they're going to get stuck and sometimes they DO....Hilarious!!!

Meghan said...

Lucklys-i've tried pudding but not applesauce, not a bad idea!

Deutlich-me too.

Racquel- I challenge you to a veggie hotdog eat off.

Nick- go to hell.

Mike- you go to hell, too.

Candy- I decided that snorting wasn't a viable option in case of death and the fact that I'd be that woman who died snorting antibiotics.

Paula- apparently it's mind over matter, but that doesn't make it any easier!

Bruce- I shall try that, thanks :)

Maegan- it's horrible when they get stuck.

Leanne said...

Atleast You Dont Have To Take Herpes Medication HaHaHa.... Love You!!!

Tiggy said...

Thank goodness for suppositories!

If they made shooters version, so much the better.

just me said...

eat a couple bites of food first then put the pill in your mouth & take a big drink of water (preferably room temp, if it's cold the muscles in your throat contract).

insomniaclolita said...

crush the pills into a powder. i think. will it work?

Meghan said...

Leanne- I'm been herpes free since 1980 and am planning on staying that way!

Tiggy- suppositories sound like a pain in the ass, but hey I'd try it if it worked.

Pirate Jess- the food trick doesn't work for me.

Insomniac Clolita- didn't work, they were too tasty. I had to switch to liquid.

Slyde said...

my old roomate had the same problem.

if he had to take a pill, he would fill a spoon with water, lay it on the counter, and drop the pill in it.

he'd let it sit for 15 minutes so it dissolved, then just gulp it down...

NurseExec said...

Love your blog. I had the pill problem forever, and just did the pudding thing with them. Applesauce wasn't thick enough to hide 'em. I'll be following...

Lad Litter said...

I get where you're coming from: I need a huge mouthful of water to swallow the tiniest pill, but in normal eating terms, I'm the human steam shovel. Go figure. Applesauce sounds like it's worth a try.

And I won't tell you to contact the vet to find out the best way get reluctant dogs to down pills.

Lauren said...

I can't shallow the bigger sized tablets, but the pill is OK. I hate taking things like paracetamol tablets as they makes me feel like I am going to throw up, or I can't get them down at all.
I hate it when people tell you 'just swallow it' but the don't understand that it won't go down.

Meghan said...

Slyde- I'm definately going to try that method, thanks.

NurseExec- thanks! And I think pudding goes with everything.

Lad Litter- If anything like my cat, the solution is to chase her and hope you don't get scratched too bad.

Lauren- Exactly! I hate that!

TaraMetBlog said...

btw it took me years to swallow pills. I used to have to eat advil and antibiotics and it was horrible. I now take a sip of water first then another sip, keep the water in my mouth, insert pill and throw it back. Only way I can do it. I'm now on the little purple pill too!