When I was twenty I moved to Terrace, B.C. to go to college which was lamens terms for drink a lot and not go to class. We'd all get sexyfied up up and go out to the bar for vodka slimes and paralyzers every Friday and although picking up men was not the goal, they were always nice to look at.
Until one night when looking turned to touching. His name was Rick. I think. Meh, his name isn't important. The point is, I went home with him. Skanky, no? No. Not so much. You see cause at that point I had my virginity in one iron clad fist and someones blue balls in the other hand. I didn't want to give it out to just anyone, so instead I went home with men for heavy petting. Yes, I was the 'Everything But Girl'. In retrospect, why I was not raped, shanked and left for dead is beyond me. Stupid, stupid girl.
But anyways, I digress.
We got back to Rick's place and after some heavy making out and a couple layers of clothing coming off I decided to use him as practise for the blow job skills that Cosmo had been instructing me about earlier. I was really excited as at that point I'd only ever given one bj in my life for a man that couldn't quite salute the flag so I was excited to have a willing member to play with. And it was, well. A blow job. What can you expect?
The only thing is Cosmo had never told me that sometimes while your focusing on sucking and moving and tongue action and hand placement is that guys sometimes like to push on your head. Even when you have a bad gag reflex. Even when you've had one too many China White Shooters. Yeah, you know where I'm going with this.
He pushed on my head. And I puked all over his junk.... And groin. ...And sheets.
The good news is that we were in the dark and his reaction time was a little slow so while he was figuring out what the wet was and where it came from, in the dark I'd managed to grab for my clothes and just run. I've never run so fast out of a place. And that lead to the drunken walk 45 minutes home at five in the morning without shoes.
But you can make damn sure I've never made that same mistake again. The ten words every man needs to know are "You push on my head. I puke on your dick."
The end.
If you think that's awkward, feel free to go here and vote me for Most Awkward Blogger!
37 comments:
Oh dear - awkward indeed!
PS You had my vote anyway. ;)
Delightful telling of a no so delightful experience. You bring back memories...
Haaaaa! You pulled the old angry dragon there!! Niiiiiice, my friend... and don't worry, I consider you to be far above your competition...you kick ass!
They never learn that lesson. EVER.
I mean, what?
That will work, until you meet some guy who actually likes that kind of thing, so be careful.
I feel awkward just reading it.
I think that's a phrase every guy should hear, and repeat, and memorize. " you push on my head, i puke on your dick.
I don't blame ya!!
best story ever.
Officially love this place!
linked and everything.
Oh my word. That is hilariously awesome.
(Found your blog via Roxanne's. I lived in Terrace for 24 years. Good luck with that.)
LOL. Oh. dear. god.
That is all.
Sadly, I am too old to vote on the 20 something blogger site, but if I could, I would certainly vote about 85 times for this story. Gawd, is there nothing you haven't reveiled yet?
(and you are letting Radioactive Guy read this?.....you really do know no fear....or shame.)
omg, I love it. I need to get: "You push on my head. I puke on your dick." embroiders on a throw pillow.
I mean, I have no problem with the pushing (what?), but the phrase just has such poetry in it.
Most awkward blogge, indeed. ♥♥♥
that is just amazing.
a) i've feared this forever
b) i can't think of any other way to handle it but the way you did
(i was absolutely convinced it happened once but it turned out i just couldn't handle the volume of...uhh...stuff i was supposed to swallow and spit it up - it was a ridiculous amount. inhuman, actually. but all i could say after was "oh man i was convinced i just vomited on your penis - thank god, eh?")
Jesus Christ...
"And the award goes to....."
Hahahaha! You got my vote... did i mention my husband is from Terrace and that's where all his family and most of his friends still live?
I just voted for you.
THAT was a helluva story.
Whoo Hoo!
Great story and one we can all relate to I am sure. One would think that just one puking college co-ed would be enough to stop the pushing on the head but I think that's in the official rule book for guys.
LMAO! Good on you! My boy so much as rubs the nape of my neck I'm like "I'll fucking bite it off if you push me". Worst gag reflex ever. Deep throat I am not.
Yeah. Run. That's best for everyone. Cause the only thing more awkward than yakking on a guy's dick is the aftermath, I'm sure.
HAHA. That's truly amazing. I'm proud of you for your quick thinking and I bet the dude learned his lesson.
Holy. Shiz. That almost happened to me once, and luckily my gag reflex wasn't as drunk as I was, 'cause I was able to give the boyf a good shove and run to the bathroom.
Eeew :o)
Why do they have to push on the head, it drives me nuts!
Oh, sorry but I laughed at reading this because I could only imagine the idiot cleaning it up as you are running for dear life, too funny.
Oh. My. Goodness.
Note to self, never let you suck on my dick.
And don't feel like an underdog. I only got nominated as a payback because I nominated Jenn. I'm fighting for best vlogger, you can take awkward.
Well, for what it's worth- you're kinda cute when you aren't blowing someone and puking..
HAHA!!! This is fantastic! Thanks for sharing! You certainly pulled out the big guns. Loved it.
Bwahahahahaha! Thanks I needed a good laugh today. And I voted for ya! If I could vote twice I would:)
This is SO GREAT. And if you don't win Most Awkward Blogger, I don't know what I'll do since that's the way I found your awesome blog. I don't know what can top this. Honestly.
P- thanks love.
Nick- i take it not a good flashback!
Organic Meatbag-I sunk to a new low with this one, my friend.
Lilu- heh, true story.
Griffin-you make a valid point.
Bathwater- you're welcome.
carissajaded- it should be in a manual for guy.
ClevelandPoet- thanks, I'm off to check you out too!
Jen Wilson- do you know Rick? ;)
Amber- exactly.
Bruce- I sold my shame long ago for some tequila.
Thatkindofgirl- that could be cute in an etsy shop.
Stevie- I do what I can.
dominique- which one is worse?
Nick- yup.
Crystal- do they know Rick?
Candy- thanks :)
Jen- every guy has to try it.
Steph- you gotta be vocal or they just don't listen I find.
Steammeupkid-there's no way to get past that.
Maxie-it wasn't quick thinking, just running.
Rebekah J- ewwww indeed.
Lucy- the image is pretty accurate, actually.
Cuddleslut- I love your name. And pleased to horrify/meet you.
phampants- voted!
buffalodick-thanks :)
Amber-it's the worst I have, but the stakes are high!
Melissa- thanks!
Stephany- hahaha, thanks.
Wow. You've got balls, baby!
Balls? Guts? Same diff.
VOTE! oxo
I have a very sensitive gag reflex as well but thank god that hasn't happened to me. I'd probably cry.
holy shit was that outstanding!
p.s. your mom is here... shes NOT happy.
That should be turned into a t-shirt.
"So you are that girl! i was looking for you weeks after... in that moment i stayed so astonished for almost an hour until i realized i should start cleaning..."
x )
This is like that story you hear or watch on films, and hope that never touches you for real...
Good post... awkward enough...
Greetings from spain!
Meghan, if you do not win, I will lose my mind.
You've come a long way from the tiny little red-haired girl I remember standing shoeless in a gym, in the far northwestern corner of B.C....in a brownie uniform.
Kelsey- balls, yes. gag reflex, no.
jamie-being drunk helps with the not crying. sober, i'd do the same.
slyde- but not surprised.
deutlich- yay! (i missed you). and consider the tshirt made.
bluebones-i'll pay for your bedsheets if we ever meet again. and welcome back!
lanette- thanks, that made me smile :) (and note both stories involved a lack of shoes?)
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