The End of the Night

I love first dates. Love them. There's such a nervousness and electricity abut them that I can't help but get off on the nervous energy. A lot of people hate first dates but I figure a good one will have the right amount of laughter and convo and sexual energy and a bad one is good for the blog foddler so either way it's a win-win.

The one last night was good. Someone I have known for awhile now but never gone on an ctual date with. The right amount of laughter was there. Conversation. Manners. All in all a good date and worthy of a second one.

Then he drives me home and as we pull up to my place it's that awkward moment...you know the one....do you kiss or not? So we both did the nervous laughter and the fidgety stuff while saying the prerequisite, "I had a good time" blah blah....and then it's that moment. And we just sit there eyeballing each other to make the move for what had to be a full on thirty seconds ( Do you know how long thirty seconds is to do that? Go on and do it right now, stare down someone down for thirty seconds. Weird, isn't it?).

And he went in for the kiss while I went in for the hug. And he got my hair.

And then to backtrack, I went in for the kiss while he pulled away. So I full on missed.

So I muttered something about calling me and then played with the door handle to unlock it before realizing IT WAS ALREADY UNLOCKED and bolting from the car with a confused and somewhat amused guy waiting behind in it. And then shaking my head all the way to the door.

Goodnight kiss, fail.

Time Heals all Wounds

So, I ran into the one ex a few weeks back. Like, literally almost ran into him. And his reaction was to jump, and give a haphazard smile before turning and running in the other direction.

I love when I have that reaction with men.

And the sad thing is, I was the one to say hello despite the fact that almost six months later (not to mention the fact that I am somewhat involved with someone now) seeing him still makes me feel like throwing up. It literally knocks the wind out of me and my stomach does a fair ride flip.

Not fun.

But then last night, I was driving throughout town when at a stoplight, I saw a familiar face pulled up next to mine. The ex that three years ago ripped out my heart and threw it in a blender. The one that left me for a friend/coworker and was (part of) the reason I ended up on strong antidepressants. The one that made it feel physically ill to go to work every day and see them together and prompted me to leave that job to get the one I have now. The one that lied and manipulated and took advantage of my anxiety to paint a picture of paranoia rather that confess his wandering. The one I hated for embarrassing me publicly and couldn't be in the same room with.

And the thing is when I saw him, he smiled and waved. And I smiled and waved back. No anger. No tears. No nothing. Just a nod of recognition before heading on my way.

One day, down the road I'll get there with G. Not any time soon, but one day.

I'm Not Dead Yet (At Least So Far Today)

Yikes, holy unplanned for hiatus, batman! It's not for a lack of wanting to, but just a lack of having the time to. That and a tich of writers block has set in.

Observe....

I can't really review the new Star Trek movie other than saying,

Yummmmmmmmm. Same goes for Gambit in X-Men Origins. Yes, I'm apparently twelve. But these men can turn anyone into a bit of a sci fi nerd. Meowch, Spock!

Oh, and speaking of yummy what's summer without downloading some great tunage. Although I'm sure most of my musical tastes are outdated (you know you're old when you don't care about being musically relevent and don't have a time to search out indie bands to sneer at top 40 music). But right now I'm loving....

Lenka- Trouble is a Friend *

Great singalong for in the car. Which brings me to the next bit of summer news, for the first time since I took my car for a steamroll on the highway I drove to and fro at a distance of over ten minutes. I drove out to the lake to spend time at the bestie's cabin. It's only about 70min away but it still means driving on the highway and considering I'm here to write this post its a successful mission. Lame or not its still a feat that took a lot of self pep talks to conquer. But the risk of imminent death is always worth it when you see that her family just got ....

Puppays!** Two of the cutest puppays in the whole world. There is nothing these two little rascals can do that isn't cute. Trust me. They were even cute when waking me up at 6am to chew on my nose. Annoying, yes. Cute, yes.

And this is their very jealous housemate wearing a cowboy hat to try to pull of being cute too. Nice try, but the puppies got the attention right now by default of newness. But I still love Flint too.

Also speaking of pets, you know it's not just my blog I'm currently neglecting to work on my golf game and tan when I was about to go out yesterday and notices SomeOne *hmmm, tinkerbell*had hopped in my purse along for the ride. It's only subtle when you're not the same size as the purse, however.

Other than that, it's been sunshine and roses in Meghanville. Summer is finally hee and even though the skies are still a bit grey for my liking it's the time to work on the tan, ogle people showing more skin (sunglasses are made for creeping) and get the road trips a going. This is what I've been upto so far on this May long weekend, what have you been doing with yours?

*I don't know how to post actual Youtube videos on my blog. If anyone can tell me how (cause I really am that dumb) feel free to comment or email.

**Even though I look ridiculous in this photo it's the best one of the pups so it's the one you guys get. Who says I'm not nice.

The Best Things in Life Aren't Free

I want it, and I want it all right now.

Stuff.

Fashion stuff, household stuff, stuff I don't even need or would know what to do with. Bring it on. My 101 list said I had to be debt free within 3 years and I have over 29 months left. Laughable. Bring. It. On.*

The thing is, normally I am quite the thrifter. Not by choice, but by survival. Even at twenty eight I am not beyond living paycheque to paycheque. It's become more of a lifestyle than anything. Living by myself equals rent, utilities, student loan payments, car insurance, food, credit and survivalist bills. This leave me with very very little bling to fiddle with, and the day to day necessities like coffee, and the occasional cheesecake or sushi date (any financial advisor that tells me these are not necessities can cram it) tend to eat it up.

I'm usually the one that can't afford stuff. Wait, let me correct that, I'm still the one that can't afford that stuff. Redheads tend to look good in green, and the green I usually wear is envy of friends who can afford frivolous and fancy things.Tech things. Shoes things. Purse things. Concert things. All a sounding board for me to be jealous of you. But suddenly with age, it's like a certain amount of vanity and entitlement has kicked in.

I feel like a failure when at twenty eight there are people my age that own nice cars, houses, have travelled extensively, and can buy nice clothes knowing that they don't need to stress about it. It's not fair to pin your life against anyone else's as we all have different paths, but at a certain point it's hard not to take a look around and see that I don't measure up. I don't regret the choices I have made as going to school in a different town and paying for it with student loans/waitressing jobs made me a stronger person, I just wish it wasn't still biting me in the ass with diamond encrusted teeth.

I don't wanna live in a student's apartment anymore, filled with makeshift tupperware end tables. I want a big bed with 300 thread count sheets and jewellery to go with outfits that match. I want to shop at a thrift store cause I want to not because I have to. I want to be able to get my eyebrows waxed without the consumer guilt kicking in (although really it's not laziness, it's essential. I can't draw a straight line much less pluck hair in a shaping motion). I want a gorgeous balcony with a quaint bistro and BBQ, not winter tires and a hand me down plastic chair set. Right now I could easily name twenty things I WANT off the tops of my head and could realistically justify them all to myself.

Of course as much as I have a hard on for all things material right now and could easily be portrayed as a slightly less popular Sophie Kinsella novel character, I don't want to slide down the slippery slope of debt. I watch shows like 'Til Debt Do Us Part' and want to shake the people in it as it's petty, immature and reckless behavior that has gotten them into those messes in the first place. It doesn't take a psychologist to realize that I am trying to validate worth through "things" to make up for certain life expectations not met at this age. And validation through finance is a dangerous game to play. Spending outside your means is a deliberate choice, plain and simple.

This isn't just a post to bitch and kvetch, even though I'm good at it, and could probably make a whole blog of whining, but to see if anyone else is in the same place. Do your wants sometimes out weight the logic of savings? How do you curb the cravings for Stuff? How does one start to become financially secure while trying to gain as they move into a more adult lifestyle? Any tips on how to come into my own economically without fisting my credit card? Some insight, tips, or just people relating so I know this is Normal would be muchly appreciated.

Same with a million dollars.

*By debt I don't mean student loans. Student loans are like the herpes of debt and shall stay with me for life with occasional flare ups of interest.

Ask Me No Questions and I'll Tell You No Lies

Alright, I have to say those were some interesting, creative and insightful questions so thanks to everyone who threw one my way. I hope I did my best to answer them!

Ben asked, "Your worst personal moment of 'the crazy'? i.e. a time that you look back and go: WTF?!"

Hmmm, it's hard to narrow down just one but I have to say 2 nights that were documented through blog posts represent the reason I don't drink so heavily anymore.

One involved waking up in a bed with my arch nemesis while I was missing clothes/my panties/my cell phone/ my house keys/my money/ my jacket (all lost at various random points throughout town) and of course my dignity.

The second involved accidentally taking home my 22 year old boss from a company I no longer work at.

Oh and when I was twenty I got banned for life from a Denny's after going there mid afternoon to have 'pleasant chat' with what was a very recent ex turned into a screaming match involving throwing things. Yep. I'd say I displayed "The Crazy" very well in that encounter. And yes, I've never gone back to that Dennys since just in case eight years later someone remembers me.

Joyless Prole asked, "Have you ever cheated? "

Plain and simple, yes. I have once in a relationship about six years ago. I do regret it but adamently do not believe "once a cheater always a cheater" as I think there are the people who cheat just to do it or cause they can and the people who find themselves seeking elsewhere cause they aren't getting what they need out of the relationship.

In this instance it was an emotionally abusive relationship where I was made to feel dirty and tarnished and was accused of cheating throughout the duration of the relationship. After months of being degraded as a slut and a cheater I finally caved in a "if he thinks I'm going to do it anyways, why not do it anyways that way he can actually have something to call me a slut about" way. There were also thinly veiled threats about if I ever left him....so if anything I thought that by cheating he would dump me and I wouldn't have to worry about him ever following through on any threats. Cheating to me=dumped=freedom. Instead he just set down more ground rules for me, but by that time the damage was done and it ended. It doesn't make sense and it certainly doesn't make it right but I did it. Now I know the lesson first off not to be in a relationship like that ever again (duh) but also just the basic rule that if you've checked out the relationship before the other person, have the decency to end it. I have not cheated since, nor do I ever intend to.

Maxie asked "Tell a TMI! It doesn't have to be your "big" one that you don't want to tell. Just something hilarious :-)"

I've said someone else's name in bed. I've slept with a guy who's name I didn't know. And I will only take it in the pooper once I'm married and it'll be saved for birthdays and anniversaries.


Angela asked "Have you ever been arrested?

Not officially, but I was slapped on the wrist by police when I was twenty relating to a certain herbal supplement B.C. is known for. Oh to be young and foolish again. Oh and I was charged during my car accident last year for excessive speeding and I certainly deserved that.

What's something you've learned about yourself from blogging?
Through blogging I have realized I'm more hopeful than I let on. During my day to day life I can be quite high strung and a bit of a realist to the point of being cynical. It's nice to see I still have a hopeful side to me when it comes to love, ambition and goals.

What's a career you'd love to do, but it's just not realistic?"
Anything to do with healthcare. Everyone in my family is in the medical field but me and even I have my level 2 first aid (which yes, I have used in emergency situations). Academically I am fascinated by health care and biology, but have a very very weak stomach that would prevent any career in it.

Nivelo asked "What was your proudest moment? Something that you achieved and do you feel you could of done more or less to get there."

Honestly, I have to say getting my degree. It's not that it's particularly hard to get a degree and a lot of people have them, it's just that the road was bumpy through college and I almost gave up many a times. Depression, anxiety,bad relationships, finances and self sabotage all provided large road blocks along the way so when I finally got my degree at 24 it was a very proud moment to be the first person in my family to have a college education. As far as something more I could have done; yeah, not drank away the first two years college/student loan money and gotten a C average. Not the smartest move, but it's all a learning experience.

Random Musings of My Life asked, "One of your biggest regrets from high school?First boy you kissed?First girl you kissed?Most embarrassing moment while drinking too much!"

Biggest regret in highschool- coloured jeans. Otherwise I have no regrets.

First boy I kissed- his name was Kevin and we were in grade two and we kissed during story time and I was the first girl in my class to kiss a boy. It ended with a meeting with both our parents and the teacher and assigned and different seating. Then over the summer Kevin started dating one of my classmates.

First girl kissed- Her name was Jamie, we were eighteen in an overcrowded hottub and we had some tequila which helped with the decision. It was way before kissing girls ever became cool.

Most embarrassing moment is still the story I have is about

"Loving Sodomy"

which is linked and I insist you go to and read (and yes I just linked it in the last post too). Go on and read it, I'll wait....................done yet? Yeah you can see why it's one of my finer moments.

Lad Litter asked, "Hi Meghan! Have you ever let a friend down really badly."

Yes, yes I have. It's a personal matter but I will say I have hurt a friend badly enough for them to end the friendship with me, and rightfully so. I miss them and always will but respect that they moved on with their life. I can say I have changed a lot since then, but sometimes the hardest lessons have the strongest consequences.

Foggy Dew asked, "Aside from the fact we live in different countries, what is it that makes Canadians and Americans different? Seriously, a friend from Toronto gave me her thoughts and I'm curious what other people think. What Canadian attributes would make Americans better? What American attributes would make Canadians better?"

Well I think fundamentally we're all the same and having travelled through the States I can say I've honestly met some of the nicest people there. I'd say the biggest differences I've noticed are that the media in the States tends to report in a way that creates fear through society rather than information (and that's not to say any media is objective). And with fear comes irrational judgement calls as I have seen with American war policies, health issues and global relations. That's a Canadian attribute I'd say could be passed along to the media, is to find the information, question the resource and then present it in a manner that promotes logic, rather than reaction.

Oh,you don't have Ketchup/ Dill Pickle chips in the States and we do.

As far as American attributes we could use, I find Americans tend to be more appreciative of health care and higher education as both are more expensive in the states which we tend to take for granted here. Also whereas I find Canadians tend to be more well travelled internationally, many (myself included) have not travelled our own country extensively whereas Americans are more travelled throughout their own country and appreciate the tourism more which we could use. Also Americans can be incredibly hospitable to tourists whereas we can be snobbish to American tourists ( I say that as someone who worked in a tourism field for years). Of course this is just my opinion and I'm just one person and I'm not speaking on behalf of Canadians or Canadian society.

But at the end of the day we're all just people doing our people thang.

Slyde asked, "How exactly do you manage to keep your hands off of me? We both know you want me.... why do you fight it so hard?"

It is hard and something I struggle with every single day. Constant masturbation and the good ol' right click/save button have made it easier but distance is only so far away.

Jamie asked, Will you marry me?Also, why aren't you going to Vegas when everyone else in blog world is?"

Ummm, yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But note I am facebook married but am alright with the bigamy of being blogaged too if you're okay with the logistics. And can we get married in Vegas? Who is going to Vegas? I'm so out of the loop :( I wanna come!

Paula asked, "Where is the weirdest place you ever had sex?Plus i think you need to tell the sodomy story again - or at least link to it for those who missed it . . . ;)"

Weirded place- on the presidents desk at my old university.

And that's hilarious that you mentioned that because this is the second post in a row I linked the story :)

Mike asked, "If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?"

Physically I'd have a cuter nose. Baseball has not been kind to me. And butt. I have no badunkadunk in my trunk. Emotionally I wouldn't take things so personally. Mentally I'd less high strung and not sweat the small stuff, as well as be less judgemental and critical of people. For someone's who has admittedly learned a lot of lessons through making mistakes I sometimes get frustrated with people who maybe have to experience something themselves in order to see the big picture and am in no place to.

Racquel asked, "Spits or swallows?"

Despite my almost vegetarian diet lacking protein I don't get it from the money shot. I tend to spit. But do find that if you use an altoid in your mouth (it creates a nice tingle for the guy) and you deepthroat right when they're about to finish swallowing's not so bad.