Thursday, November 19, 2009

TMI Thursday: The Time Santa Took Out My Tampon

TMI Thursday

So, on Friday I had the unique pleasure of getting a Pap smear AND a cervical biopsy at once. Yeah, I know, you’d think it was my birthday or something (and I just officially lost all my male readers).

Let me tell you there is nothing comfortable about a pap smear from the bottom bearing paper gown to the poking and the prodding of your vadge like it’s a grade four science experiment. The epic point came when the MALE doctor came towards me with the cutter thing and stated, “This won’t hurt a bit.” And before I could think, I shrieked back, “How do You know? You don’t have a vagina!”

Yeah, a little bit of comedy to go with awkward vaginal probing. Thank you, thank you. Tip your waitress.

But none of this was an embarrassing as the time I had to go and get my tampon taken out in the walk in clinic by Santa Claus.

K, whaaaaa?

A few years back, I decided to do the whole switcheroo to tampons because before that point I’d read too embarrassing stories relating to them in teens magazines. But figured there’s obviously a market for them so started using the cotton plugs to do what they do. It’s a pretty straightforward thing I don’t need to get into.

Except that one time I went to ummm, remove the said plug and there was a bit of a problem. Ya see, the string came out. But the tampooni stayed right nice at home in my ladycave. After checking to see that fingers wouldn’t do the trick and damning my small and childlike hands I realized I’d either have to shove tongs up my vadge to get it out or go to a medical professional.

I chose the medical professional.

So off I went to the walk in clinic on a Saturday to wait for two hours. Two hours so that a doctor could come into the room that looked exactly like Santa Claus. White beard, glasses, flushed red cheeks (of course the fact that I was spread eagle with a stuck tampon may have had something to do with that) and a belly that was probably robust from beer not milk and cookies, but yeah. Santa Claus. With a duck. Removing my tampon and remarking how he’d only heard about this thing from other doctors, but I was his first stuck tampon.

Glad to be your first. Charmed, I’m sure.

Ever since then I have been paranoid about checking that damn string first. Because really, theres only so much vaginal probing a woman can take without dinner first.


Slyde said...

this story made me SOOOO hot...

Amber (Girl with the red hair) said...

Omg. I love this story, totally just choked on my coffee in class.

Definitely one of the best TMI Thursday stories I've read yet!

P said...

Oh my god, that is totally the sort of thing that would happen to me - i'm checking every string too from now on!!!

And you've just reminded me of my own TMI tampon-related story I can use in the future, so thanks!!! :)

Random Musings Of My Life said...

Wow.. We need to be friends, I love that you share like you do, and i have never seen a pap smear written like that..

Hillary said...

ladycave is my new favourite term for a vagina

thank you

LiLu said...

Henceforth, I shall ONLY refer to said cotton plugs as "tampoonis". LOVE.

carissajaded said...

hahah I am also loving the term ladycave! How have I not come across this blog before!

Anyways.. I have had to have medical assistance in removal as well.. not fun. But mine was definitely not by a santa clause!!

Angela said...

#1: I love that you shrieked at your male doctor.

#2: I'm a little freaked out that Santa Claus had never run into this problem before, if he works at a clinic and all. My mom works in an emergency room, and she said it happens often.

Anonymous said...

Fucking hilarious. I choked on my tea while reading that. You are my hero.

I love your sense of humour and how you just throw the most random and amusing shizz out there. Props to you my friend.


Mike said...

You'd think small childlike hands would be what you'd want to get the tampooni out.

For example, my hand. If mine went up there your next quiff would sound like a small, quiet breeze. Just saying.

Andy said...

Hahahaha... I'm SO paranoid about that happening it's not even funny...

Well, the Santa part is.

Meghan said...

Slyde- you're welcome.

Amber- mission accomplished ;)

P- always here to help, darlin.

Random- friends share awkward pap smear stories, me thinks:p

Hillary- you're welcome.

Lilu- it's very be-fitting, no pun intended. Well only slightly intended.

carrisajaded- then you didn't get the full experience :P

Angela- maybe Santa is a pediatrician in his down time?

Lisa- thanks. You're amazing too.

Mike- if you could only see the fucked up facial expressions I make after reading your comments.
Kinda like, "Whaaaaaaaaaaa!?"

Andy- let this be a lesson, it can happen to anybody!

noelia ~ said...

it had never crossed my mind that it was possible for that string to break! 0.o

ps. i love that last label for this entry, hilarious lol